Stand your ground, you aint nobodies "Bitch" unless you wanna be! :)  

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F
1147 posts
8/10/2005 8:00 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Stand your ground, you aint nobodies "Bitch" unless you wanna be! :)

Song of the day: Were not gunna take it-Twisted Sister

Manipulation!
Have you ever been told “If you really loved me you would do this for me”

When you talk to a friend, coworker, or potential playmate do you feel like?
It is a contest not communication?
Does the thought of the person bring dread, anxiety?
Is there a constant bombardment of demands by the other person?
Do you find yourself in “no-win” situations with this person?
Negative emotions similar to dealing with a bratty child?

You are probably dealing with a manipulative type. We all have needs, and healthy negotiations of those needs are a part of healthy human interaction. When the scales are constantly skewed is when a problem is evident. When give and take is out of balance, with no hope of ever returning to balance. They want a total shift of your energies and resources to meet their needs.

Here are some basic tactics used by manipulators. These are simplistic in nature, but the more sophisticated the manipulator, the better s/he is at using them. The manipulator will use these techniques in combination in a rapid fire or cascading assault.
The basic ploys are:

1-Power Plays:
Any type of intimidation, threat, insult, goad, dare, forced proving, or with holding of reward. The goal is to force an “ I am right, you are wrong” situation. The more you become a “non-person” the stronger the manipulators position. “If you are serious about this, then you will…”

2-Unsolicited Helper:
Helps a person with out consent or even with out the knowledge of the person. They now feel owed for the help, and expect you to do what they ask. After all they gave up so much and done so much for you, how could you be so selfish as to refuse this little tiny request?

3-Guilt:
Similar to the helper, but differs in that all of the person woes are because of you. Example a friend breaks his leg, and needs you to run some errands for him. You tell him you can do things for him on Tuesday. He balks about Tuesday saying his electricity is going to be shut off because you did not help on Monday. With no power his food will go bad, lights will not be on, he will freeze with no heat, and his cat will die with no cat food and it is all YOUR fault.

4-Forced Dependence:
Your self worth or maybe even your food/resources will be tied to the manipulator. If you do not do what they want, they will make you look weak, stupid, incompetent, or not loved. Think of the coworker who withholds information from you to sabotage your project you are lead on. They want all of your self worth to come from them.

5-Passive Aggressive:
A friend has her car break down, and asks you for a lift to work until it is fixed. You must go out of your way to get her, and it is a bit of a hassle to get up earlier, and readjust your schedule. You agree, then she is never on time, making you late, she offers no money for your time or extra expense, and she keeps saying she does not have the money to get her car fixed after weeks of this. Now all her problems have become yours. She has shifted responsibility to you.

Think of a bratty child. They are always doing what ever they want, when they want, and do not care how much they disrupt everyone’s life. The parent does not like to confront the child. So the child catches on very quickly that the parent’s happiness is based on the child’s happiness. The parent tries to enforce a rule, but the child realizes that his/her “feelings” are as important as the decision. The parents have no true boundaries! With knowing this it will never be in the child’s best interest to be happy with the parents rules.

Notice what all these ploys need in order for them to succeed?
They need your cooperation!

Your shield from these games? Your personal space or boundaries.

“They” will attack your boundaries all the time, you must stand firm, maybe kick back a bit to send a message. This does not mean becoming cruel or playing at their level, it means standing firm to your own person.

You must coolly and calmly state your position, and stick to them. There is often great cost to “sticking to your guns.” There is no reason to offer long explanation. State what you can and will do for them. When they threaten, beg, or demand to know why you will not meet 100% of their needs, state again calmly and firmly what you offer, and that is it. Tell they your offer is on the table, and you cannot debate further. If they persist, say sorry, but it seems my efforts are inadequate, please look elsewhere. Or another similar appropriate statement.

It will set your reputation as a fair fighter, one who does not waver in beliefs. It also bolsters your self-esteem, because you know you are right, and stood up for yourself. “You got through this, you can get through the next manipulative “person.” There is satisfaction in knowing you are a complete person with strong personal boundaries.

With these types you will have to be a “parent type” because these will do child games and continuously test the boundaries. Human nature shows one will take the path of least resistance, if you are not a path of least resistance, then they will learn to leave you alone.

Have a great day!


bigredeatsbush 51M/50F

8/10/2005 8:51 am

Hey - Thanks for teaching me how to get what I want - Just Kidding!


keithcancook 60M
17865 posts
8/10/2005 9:29 am

Great post here PNS. I have witnessed all of these techniques at various times. We must always be aware of #1 and tend to ourselves first. If it takes two to play a game we are tired of, then just don't play!


mcsusieg 49F
56 posts
8/10/2005 9:30 am

I am generally more focused on my behavior than others…and I really appreciate your post and perception…gives me something to watch for in my own interactions. THANKS!!!
Susie


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/10/2005 8:50 pm

Jezebelle- that is an excellent response the why test love response! good deal!

Hey BigRed, yes you could use your knowledge for evil, along with you nuke, secret army, tanks, ships, planes, and stink bombs

Kieth-Thanks fro stopping by alwasy good to have you around. Yes if they play an childish game, dont play!

mcsusieq- Yes I try to make sure I am playing by the rules too. But also look for "types" of people I am dealing with.


Theflinkychick 105F

8/11/2005 3:49 am

So many of those things sound familiar to me! Thanks for spelling it all out. Sometimes you know something, but you don't KNOW you know it but as soon as someone else says the same thing it's like lightning, ahhh that's what I was trying to understand. Thanks...

Not all who wander are lost.


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/11/2005 11:02 am

Hi Flinky
Yes sometiems when you can say it or write it, it suddenly becomes clear. Glad you worked your way out of the bullies grasp!


FunandFrisky79 41M/37F

8/11/2005 6:06 pm

Wow, P&S... were you coaching my ex-husband in the art of manipulation? lol If so, you did a helluva job!

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Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/11/2005 8:50 pm

F&F- I would never teach anyone to be mean. Espically mean to you, you deserve so much better!


FunandFrisky79 41M/37F

8/12/2005 3:15 pm

P&S- I know you wouldn't do that! But, I have to f*ck (with) you! Oh, my.... I'm a baaaaad girl! lol

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Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/12/2005 10:07 pm

Oh that is fine, I deal with bad girls very very well.


FunandFrisky79 41M/37F

8/15/2005 4:59 pm

Oh, I bet you do!!!

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