Friends with benefits, not too good to be true!  

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F
1147 posts
8/9/2005 8:57 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Friends with benefits, not too good to be true!

Song of the Day: Turn Turn Turn-The Byrds

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.-Unknown

I would like to thank everyone for the positive feed back on my previous post about FWB, friends with benefits. I figured maybe three people might read it, and maybe one charity reply.

Here are some ways we approach our friends with benefits relationship. Maybe they are what you are thinking as well. We are not thinking of a swing party, or going to a bar to pick up somebody for a one nighter, we are meaning a longer term, with a goal to stay with for what could be years. How can we make this work? What are some hints? What is the plan? Here is our humble opinion.

Friends First:
Would you drive 40+ minutes or so to see your FWB knowing no sex would happen? Does our FWB make you feel good about yourself? Do you just enjoy their company, even if they are very opposite from you? Feel relaxed, and can be yourself? Can agree to disagree? A new point of view? Laughter, good conversation, and just an escape from “everyday” life will build the memories that “benefits” supplement. You should be able to lean on the FWB, but not the same as a spouse, the jobs are different, but still they should give you healthy support. Blowing off some "bad day steam" is fine, woe is me or drama, no, your FWB will run!

How to express yourself to FWB:
Well you want to let him/her know they are more than a “friend” but saying the L word could open a can of worms. We prefer to say “I Adore You” then you show the person they are more than a friend, and very close to your heart, but you have not opened that sticky spider web of the I Love Yous. Some can handle the “I Love You” because of the diverse meaning love has. Still it can open the can of worms that will jeopardize the relationship. When told I Love You it feels wonderful, but often brings out the worst in people. ILU can change attitudes and expectations. When FWB slips up and says “I Love You” you can carefully guide them back by saying something like “I absolutely adore you too, you mean a lot to me.” Should they seem to be “pushing it” with ILU then reply with something like “ In a different reality, we could be different, but I like this reality, we have it all and we are together!” You have returned your honest affection, but not fallen into the L-Word trap. You can only offer what you have, and expect only what they offer, no more, no less.

Balance Balance Balance:
You will have to “compartmentalize” your time, efforts and emotional energy. Your FWB will make you feel wonderful, sexy, and alive. However you can’t let your real life slide because of FWB, or you risk losing it all. If you are going to see your lover on the weekend, but it is Monday, it would be unwise to loose out on five days of your life for just one day. What if that day gets changed? You lost out on a lot. If your thoughts and desires for FWB are over whelming, send him/her a thinking of you email or voice message real quick, will serve many purposes. Now you can focus on the task at hand. You still must care for your primary family. You must still be there for, flirt, entice, date, and basically have an “affair” with your own spouse. Your children still need care, education and guidance, you should not lose out on the joy they offer, nor should they suffer because of your adult activities. Metaphorically speaking your kids need you to give them a fish, and teach them how to fish, big job parent. Your career, your platonic friends, your clubs/charities, all bring you joy and should not suffer. So enjoy them all in balance and let the joy flow into your life. When it is time to make dinner, cook, when it is story time for kids, read, when it is time for work, work, when it is time for spouse, be a spouse, your favorite show on, watch it, time for your FWB/lover, go for it, yum yum. There is a time to sow, a time to reap, a time for love as the seasons turn turn turn. (Sorry could not resist.) Best to think of your “real life” as the meat and potatoes, and your FWB as the supplements maybe that occasional trip to the buffet and that yummy naughty dessert. Balance it all it works, get out of whack, it falls apart quickly.

Consider the end:
This is the unpleasant part, you never want it to end. However the average life of a fully committed marriage is five years. Your FWB might get transferred, get married, and/or grow in a different direction. If you or they find a fork in the road, take it! Some FWB last 20 years, some last 20 months, others 20 weeks. You will miss them yes, but if you have kept things in balance you will not have this gaping hole in your life. More like a scrapbook of that time in your life. You will be a part of them, and they a part of you, the best gift is to give back to others what this person has given you. You do live your life thinking how you want to be, what you have done, what you have experienced when you are 98 years old and sitting on your rocking chair reflecting your life? Right? Time is flying by fast! This is another chapter in the book of your life, don’t burn the book over a chapter! An FWB who is your equal will also let it end with best wishes and dignity. When you see each other again, you may have evolved into different people, but those memories and what you built together lives on, smile. A mature ending keeps those pleasant, heart racing, warm feelings, and sexy memories intact.

Hopefully this can make you think of some of the direction you might want to go with your friends and playmates. How to keep it fun, but not over whelming, so you all get the most out of your friendship.

Thank you again for stopping by, take care, and take care of those that mean a lot to you.

FunandFrisky79 41M/37F

8/9/2005 12:55 pm

Wow, P&S! Thanks for the great advice! I'll have to remember all of this when we start looking for our FWB!


bigredeatsbush 51M/50F

8/9/2005 3:50 pm

Always the thinker - Thank-you for feeding my "human becoming" model. "Love" takes so many different forms and the word is used in so many different ways. I agree that it is incredibly important not to confuse them! My past experiences indicate that this is not an easy thing to do; temperance and practice are required. Fortunately, me and wifey have had lots of time together, it is not likely for either of us to easily replace the other. We have known for sometime now we are "soulmates". As a man, I occasionally forget this, she is wise enough to forgive me. OK, bring on the DESSERT!

bigredeatsbush 51M/50F

8/9/2005 4:33 pm

Oh, and congrats, seems the new method for scoring blogs has you as the 3rd best couples blog in all of AdultFriendFinder! I'm so proud to be a local fan!!

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/9/2005 8:30 pm

Jezebelle- You have it all under control, you have the life most would envy.

F&F-Thanks again, will you be my friend? hahaha

BigRed-No it is easy to fall head over heels with infatuation, then whe nthe true light shines you find you filled in the other personality with your own desires. Thanks for being a reader, the new system has us third? Interesting, soon peopel will go on strik I bet hahaha.

FunandFrisky79 41M/37F

8/9/2005 10:43 pm

P&S- Of course I will! I thought we already were friends? And, I'm still waiting to reap all the benefits...


bigredeatsbush 51M/50F

8/10/2005 7:00 am

I agree - That's where the temperance and practice comes in

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/10/2005 8:05 am

Hi F&F I could not type saying will you be my friend in a silly stalker voice, grin oh my benefits with you! I would not want to scare you, you might want a blind fold

patsam69 51M/51F

8/10/2005 6:35 pm

Damn...i WISH we could find that!

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/10/2005 8:54 pm

Well Sam
we know this guy pretty well, we use a style more like you are in favor of. We have been chattign with him for over 10 weeks. WIfe chats with him as well, we are all comfortable that way.
Thanks fro stopping by always a pleasure to chat with you

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/10/2005 8:55 pm

I am sure you will find what ever you seek. We do prefer to know our FWB rather well.

thanks fro stopping by you are always a pleasure to chat with

mcsusieg 49F
56 posts
8/11/2005 10:38 am

So I keep popping into read and reread this post ‒ thanks so much for sharing your experiences… really is wonderful for those of us out here ‒ and the FwB you describe for you marriage, is not so different than what I seek as a single woman!

Thanks again!.Susie

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/11/2005 11:04 am


Thank you for coming back. I am sure you will find all you seek. You are definatly not ugly wink

rm_vixenflir 58M
295 posts
8/12/2005 7:56 am

Great post as usual! I have a FWB that is a relationship that may be coming to the end due to a job move I may be making to another state. You're right about the ending. For me its been a great and unexpected chapter in my life and I hope she will look at it the same.

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/12/2005 8:45 am

hey Vixenflir- Funny how in life one thing ends so another can begin. SO things are sad to see end, some are not godo to see start, but as muc has the good must end, so must the bad!

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/15/2005 12:40 pm

Yes I love that pic! be nice to come hoem to that! yes yes yes

mi_mwpm 51M

8/16/2005 7:38 pm

And where was this advice when a couple of us needed it?

Better late than never.

BenefitsFriend69 57M/60F

8/17/2005 10:35 am

I'm a bit late to this blog (and late to dinner as usual lol), but let me add my thanks, and ask about balance versus attachment. When we experience something (or someone), and that is experience is favorable, pleasurable, yummy!, we have a memory of that experience. That memory leads to desire, and the desire leads to actions that generate the experience again. Desire, action, memory, desire...

Now, as you say Philosophy, if we don't balance the icing with the cake, we get sick, so we must temper our expectations and strike a balance between the desire and the action. Or, perhaps let the memory fade so the desire tempers, and we're not as stuck in the cylce. If we become "addicted" to the experience of our FWB, and become attached, and go out of balance, and head down the slippery slope, how do we see that coming? We can be so blinded by desire.. Any signs that you've had that point to it?

Thanks again for an awesome post.


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/17/2005 11:21 am


Well when you cannot function "normally" and are always needing a FWB fix, then you are addicted. You see it comign when what you liked to do before no longer matter, and only FWB matters.

But again an addiction is not healthy, a drig addicted lives for his her next fix, but is not really living. So when FWB gets this overwhelming a time out is a good idea.

I hope this answers soem of your thoughts.

Bellefourchelove 62M

8/21/2005 10:50 am

FWBs can lend lots of spice to life and nobody can really have too many friends.

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