A friend in need is a friend indeed  

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F
1147 posts
7/17/2005 1:39 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

A friend in need is a friend indeed

Song of the day: You’ve got a friend-James Taylor

Balance
It seems to be what nature strives for, and something I hope I achieve. A little bit of this and a little bit of that, but not too much of this nor too much of that.

Another thing in life one has to balance is helping others. One of the seven keys to positive living is “being in service of others” but what does that mean and how much service dose one give?

Life/Wellness coaching classes/mentors do say think of helping others as if someone were drowning. If you cant swim, find someone who can, or throw a life ring. Don’t dive into the water half-cocked, and then there are two that need care. If you can swim a little, bring a life ring, swim along side encouraging/reassuring the person, and don’t let them pull you under. If you are a trained lifesaver and a strong swimmer, then by all means do what you know. I am sure you have encountered someone who gave too much, and they ended up hurt or being dragged under because they wanted to do the right thing, but were not in a position to give that much. Perhaps they could not say no, and it was abuse.

Ever encounter those that do charity work, but you think they are running for mayor. You hear about EVERY minute they spend doing charity, how difficult it is, and the sacrifices they suffer to make. They pat themselves on the back, making you think they are the ONLY volunteer at the senior center, the only volunteer coach helping with baseball, or the sole YMCA volunteer. They sound as if they invented the good deed, and those poor souls and the organization would crumble if not for their thankless and thoughtless efforts. You commend the work, but you condemn the spirit in which they do it.

Also there are some who martyr themselves. They may not brag about how helpful they are, but their own family lives might be in chaos. They are helping Joe Neighbor with his alcoholism, but their own spouse is half a step from walking out, the son is skipping school to smoke pot and play Nintendo, the daughter is dating a guy from a street gang, and is also ditching class. However poor Joe’s alcoholism is always the center of attention.

Ever have someone butt in and help you when you did not want it or ask? They helped because they want to be “owed” one, not necessarily to be a friend. They are then hurt that you put your foot down and insist they butt out. They try to double bind you by playing hurt you would not let them help, or now that they helped you, they act entitled to things in your life? Think Jim Carrey as Cable Guy.

It is fine and ok to feel good about helping someone, intrinsic rewards are huge motivators. Though your good feelings should not be at the expense of their dignity, because your help was to protect the other person’s dignity. We all want to be told we made a difference in someone’s life, but to demand it makes your help less valuable, even unwanted. There are times when we need the help, at other times we are in a position to be the helper. Part of wisdom is to do both graciously.

You are not wrong, nor are you selfish to evaluate what you have in your time and resource budget to help others. Should you only have 3 hours every other Friday to volunteer, then that is what you have. Should 10 others volunteers 6 hours a month, then look at what can be done. If you only have $10 bucks to donate to Big Brothers/Sisters, than that is $10 more than they had five seconds ago.

Even your friends should not over run your boundaries. It is ok to say NO. NO is a fantastic word. NO sets your limits. No is your right, no reason to feel taken when you help. After saying no, you say what you can do, you have then empowered the person seeking help by giving them a choice. You have an obligation to yourself and your physical/mental health. Then you have a spouse, kids, parents ect. Helping your community is an obligation, but not at the expense of you, and your primary obligations. When you give too much that you become a liability to your community, then the purpose has been defeated

You can’t rescue the starving if you do not have enough to eat yourself.

Just some stuff to think about.


ExploreMore4Me 59F

7/18/2005 5:15 am

P&S...as I said previously...you sure you don't want to co-facilitate one of my seminars? Great job dear friend! You already know how I feel about this topic! I couldn't have said this anybetter...and I won't even try! Big hugs to a wise master!


EM4M

(The universe works in very, very mysterious wasy...this is way too eerie...the confirmation number I must type in to confirm this post...911 That my friend is called universal synchronicity!)


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

7/18/2005 11:38 am

Hi Ms Katey, thanks for taking the time to stop by, always nice to see you. Yes many do not think NO applies to them.

HEy again EM4M-You are too kind, we do very simular things for a living so we would be kindred spirits
Oh the 911 thing errie eh?


Apolybear 54M

7/18/2005 11:19 pm

Actually, I had a different take on EM4M’s post. I think the Universe is sending out a 911 about P&S…LOL Universal synchronicity indeed… (Joking my friend)

No is a beautiful word.


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

7/19/2005 4:08 pm

I see so BEar is going to call 911 anytime he see us?? haha


Apolybear 54M

7/20/2005 12:17 am

No no S&P, the Universe is trying to warn everyone about YOU...LOL

I so kid P&S...


__Huntress__ 55M/57F

7/20/2005 5:04 pm

So thought-provoking ... with age I have gathered wisdom ... with wisdom I have found the power and ... the ability ... to say "NO" ... I thank you for this ...


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