Something has changed in me......  

Passionatelove70 46F
262 posts
10/20/2005 8:37 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Something has changed in me......

It feels like things are really starting to turn around in my life - for the better! Now my ex isn't moving so I don't have to worry about moving. I just had my annual review at work and it went very well and I got a pay increase
But, most importantly, something has changed in me. I don't know when it started or why. I can only guess at those things. I think that I've been hurt so bad by a few guys within the past year that it was just unbearable. I kept searching and searching for my Mr. Right to come and save me and take care of me (of course I'd take care of him too). But, I'm sick of the search for Mr. Right. I'm sick of hours online each night on dating sites or emails and IM's. I want to have a REAL life (no offense to anyone). I don't want this life of being on the computer night after night.

I finally realized that I am fine with not having a man in my life. I'm actually starting to feel like I don't even want one! I'm starting to enjoy being single and the benefits that come with it. I guess I was too busy feeling lonely and sad to realize that I would even like being single. LOL. But, now I'm starting to expand my being single horizons and do things just because I can! Like turning the music up loud while getting ready for work - not having to worry about disturbing someone else. Or not keeping my house immaculate in case someone might come over. Who cares if I haven't vacuumed for a week or two? Damn it, if I want to paint the kitchen black or something crazy, I'm gonna do it! I was hesitant to make changes to my newer home because I figured I'd only be here for about 2 years before I met someone and got remarried. Well, it's been a year now and the way dating is going, I don't foresee finding Mr. Right anytime in the near future. This is a first for me. I've always had a boyfriend or been dating....men always in my life. But, since my divorce, it seems like I've done most of the initiating of contacts - asking guys out online, etc. Well, you know what, that's not me. I'm shy and a bit old fashioned. I want a guy to ask me out because he find me interesting and attractive. I do wish to actually meet a guy in real life to date rather than online. Guess I'm fed up with online dating - too many let downs and lies.
I do still want to get remarried some day. I don't want to live my whole life alone. It is nicer to have someone to enjoy things with and to have to help through the difficult times. But, I'm just really proud to finally get to the point of not feeling so desperate about finding someone. I am going to take my time with finding Mr. Right - hopefully he will find me! And I'm going to enjoy doing things I never have had time for because I've been online so much - like reading. I've bought tons of books since my divorce and really haven't read any of them and have wanted to. I'm going to fix up my house and concentrate on improving myself mentally and physically and spiritually.

So, if you're wondering what lead to this great change of heart.........Well, I was supposed to have a date with a guy last Saturday night. He basically stood me up. Well, there was some misunderstanding but I thought he was going to call me at like 7:30PM so we could meet but he didn't call until 9:30PM. I had text messaged him at 8:30PM and said it was getting late and we should reschedule. I was so mad. He said he was just going to be having dinner with a potential employer at 6PM then would call me.......well how long does freakin' dinner take??? My gut feeling is that he was on another date. When he called at 9:30PM (after I'd texted him) I didn't even want to talk to him, was too upset. I called a friend and went over to their house. While I was getting ready (hair, makeup) I was listening to music. Bon Jovi's "Always" came on........that set me off and made me cry. Oh how I've longed to find a man to be there for me, always. Darn it, just writing that brings tears to my eyes. Anyway, God bless my friend for being there for me. I didn't want to be alone.
The other day I actually was going to go out and see a new movie in the theater by myself. I never would have had the guts to do that before. Now I think, what the heck! Yes, it's a little odd for a woman to go to a movie alone, especially on a Fri/Sat night, but again, I think it's a sign that I'm okay with myself........I feel like I'm getting over my "male dependence".
The day after that guy stood me up, I IM'd him asking him what happened. He got really defensive and became a complete jerk!!! I always say "there is a reason for everything"! And I thank God I didn't go out with him! He's not worth my time! I think all he wanted was sex even though we met on a different dating site. He was way too immature for me anyway and not nearly sexually experienced. He's 30 and only been with one woman on 5 occasions! He said it was because the women he was with were very religious. LOL - Yeah, right. I bet it's because he's a complete jerk and has no idea how to pleasure a woman or treat her with respect! Well, sorry guys, but I don't mean to seem like I'm male bashing.....but, I'm sure you've gone through a similar time when you were down on women.
I thought that being single, I'd miss the sex, but it seems like I'm getting used to being without it and don't think about it anymore - like my body is adapting to it.
Anyway, I was talking with my ex (we're pretty good friends) the other day and he was talking about not settling for just anyone to date but remaining picky. I was saying to him that nobody is perfect and even is someone isn't that great looking at first, if they have a great personality they become better looking in your eyes. He agreed but said he wants that instant chemistry. I've been thing about what my ex was saying. You know what, I agree......Damn it, I'm an educated, hard working professional, attractive, and have so much to offer some lucky guy --- I'm going to be picky too and not just date someone who seems to be fairly close to what I'm looking for. They have ALL the basic things I want and need in a man! I'm not going to "settle" for just anyone because I am too good for that!

To summarize - I'm content with being alone for the first time in a very long time. I will still be keeping my eye open for my Mr. Right but not going to be nearly as active in finding him. This is a turning point in my life and a great chance for self-improvement and reflection.
Take care everyone!


rm_venture12002 62M
67 posts
10/20/2005 11:38 pm

I dropped my membership because theres no woman my age range in my area so I can't see you're profile.However from you're photo you are beautiful and look pretty young.Also it sounds like you're getting you're head together.It will happen when you're not expecting.I'm 50 so I've ben married and had many relationships.I finally learned it's not worth it to just be with someone.You have to stand back and look.If they make you're life better more than they make it worse then give them a chance.I think you'll do great sugar,so don't let the jerks get you down.


rm_nutsahoy 41M
13 posts
10/21/2005 12:39 am

I hope the realization that you don't need a man to feel good stays with you. It's a good one.


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
10/21/2005 1:09 am

The turning point thing sounds good

A time of reflection can be a wonderful thing just remember to stay close to your friends for support ... sometimes a bit of introspection can bring up serious issues

I’ll steal a little from one of my earliest posts:

Introspection allows us to leave the known to discover and explore the unknown within ourselves. It fosters the inner rugged individual who can brave isolation to seek out new paths. It helps us discover our uniqueness, our perspectives, and our callings.

Introspection can force us to face difficult questions about our existence, such as, if I am no longer able to live the way I have been living, how do I then live? Through hard inner work, we discover the answers to this problem and can emerge as a more complete person.

The traveler, the knight, the cowboy, the prince or princess are all solitary figures seeking a treasure, a goal, their holy grail that will lend meaning or fulfillment to their life and remove its sense of disjointedness. Throughout history we have constantly embraced stories of individuals who have left the comfort of the world they knew and have emerged changed from their isolation from the world they knew before, such as: Arjuna who questions his role in life in the Bhagavad-Gita, Siddhartha Gautama before his enlightenment as the Buddha, Jesus’ forays into the wilderness, Homer's Odysseus, Joyce's Ulysses, Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, Carroll's Alice In Wonderland, Brad Pitt in Seven Years in Tibet, Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, and Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.

I believe the better half we are all searching for is ourselves and a partner just augments the happiness we must first find in ourselves.

Best wishes for you as you experience this period of your life when you may be able to feel more of your true self. Knowing more of who you are and what you are looking for will hopefully make finding Mr. Right easier.

In my opinion you need to find Mrs. Right (you) first and learn to love her.

Take care

Always,
Luke


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


mnfun952 102M

10/21/2005 8:03 pm

Well said Luke...

and to add to what he's written - I admire your strength and the realization that you don't need anyone to be happy is an awesome thing. YES, having a partner in your life brings happiness..>BUT< not having a partner in your life does not mean unhappiness. I love that you're seeing the pleasure that can come from being single. You don't need men and I know you'll still manage to have a great time -with men, with women....

Luke is wise.... listen to what he has to say and find your SELF.

Take care baby,

MnFun


smackyman 46M
3845 posts
10/23/2005 11:06 pm

Enjoy your new found freedom - glad to hear that you don't have to deal with moving. It must be a big load off of your shoulders...


mnmustangman69 41M

10/24/2005 1:46 pm

Hey there passionatelove. You are absolutely right. You don't NEED anyone else in your life to be "happy". And I've found when you are "Looking" for that special someone, it rarely every happens. The best things happen when you least expect them, and aren't looking for them. If I were you, I'd use this site as an outlet for sex and companionship when YOU want it, with no expectations. If you happen to come accross mr. right, so be it, but chances are, you won't find him on this site. You'll end up finding him at the store, or at the movies. He'll probably spill something on you or something goofy, making you smile, and so it begins. Keep you head up sweetie, and just have some fun while you're young and sexy. If the right person comes along, you'll know it, but don't look for it. I think you'll do just fine!


fillallmy 51F

10/26/2005 5:19 am

Hi Passionate U go Girlfriend and if heck u want someone to go to the movies with ask a friend to go along to start with I do that all the time I am looking for MR Right too and found him a few times over but let my there will be always something greener on the other side attitude ruin it ..


rocketyursocket7 51M
25 posts
10/26/2005 10:46 am

Hey Passion, hope you're are doing well. Care to add me to your network? Hope you're having a beautiful Autumn in Kato!


_iwantitall 65M
4 posts
11/3/2005 12:43 pm

Passionate,
Seems like your getting things together.
You dont need Mr. Right...i married his sister..Ms Right..i just didnt know her first name was Always!!!...lol..(just kidding)

Keep Smiling!!!


trillium20055 55M

12/10/2005 8:44 am

All I can say is WOW! Incredible story. I feel your pain, and would love to "just" go to that movie with you and keep you (and me) company. Recently separated, and divorce pending sucks.


Become a member to create a blog