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Survival guide in MAN LAND
Survival guide in MAN LAND
What is Man land?
Ok I admit it, I made it up but I am referring to the men’s Bathroom
If you are lucky, then you may you have encountered "Perfect Situation" This situation is, the presence of one urinal.
The etiquette here is simple: if it's empty, pees, if it’s not, don’t Quite Straight forward!
And BTW: if you Really, Really need to go… don’t ask him to leave you some room.
One Important, note though: If someone is there don’t ask if he is done and don’t peek to see if there is activity.
It may, in fact, be a good idea to leave him some privacy so he can concentrate
So, one urinal was easy, No tough decisions there.
OK, two urinals, well, it's a whole different world. With luck, they will both be empty. In this case, choose the appropriate urinal based on proximity to walls and other forms of shielding and preferably as far away as possible from the stalls.
Chances are though, that with two urinals one of them will be occupied. In this case under no circumstances should you proceed to the urinal. I repeat: DO NOT PROCEED. To proceed is to pee in one urinal adjoining another which is also occupied. This is the cardinal sin of urinal etiquette. Never pee beside someone. Instead, it is best to busy one self just don’t start to do the “peepee dance”; you will only distract the other guy and half to wait longer.
A question which becomes increasingly pressing at this point is the option of the stall. If the need is urgent (and it may well be), the stall may be considered. However, it is of utmost importance to make it appear as if the stall was the destination all along.
One quick point about stalls, If there is only one stall and it is next to the urinals…
Make sure to stay far from the wall where your neighbor shares with you; you don’t want to risk him accidentally peeing on your shoes if he is drunk or vise versa.
Ok we are at three, three stalls… Muhahahahaha
Well then, what about three urinals. Well, this starts to get tricky. If you should come across three empty urinals, then the natural male tendency to attempt to accumulate power and property might lead you to try the middle urinal. But that is a major NONO For to choose the middle urinal is to deny any subsequent patron of the urinals the opportunity to pee in isolation while you are still at your business. To choose the middle of three urinals is to commit an act of pure, unadulterated selfishness, and for it one should be ashamed. Instead, one should immediately proceed the end urinal which is furthest from the door, or alternatively, best smelling. (If your drunk do not stick your nose at each urinal too see which one is “less foul”
However, all three urinals are not always empty. If upon entering the bathroom you discern that the middle urinal alone is occupied, use the “Busy Stall rules in the one urinal” scenario. However, if one of the end urinals is occupied, it will allow you to proceed to the opposite urinal, and pee in relative security with a one urinal buffer.
Further complications arise if two of the urinals are occupied. If they are the two end urinals, then one should proceed with some delay tactics which were described earlier, especially nose scratching and armpit sniffing.
Alternatively, a stall may be employed, being sure to use the deceitful tactics also mentioned earlier. It is possible that two adjacent urinals of the three be occupied. In this case, it is best just to leave. Hold your urge, and retreat. To stay is to share in the shame that must accompany any two individuals who are engaged in such an unseemly situation.
Furthermore, if you are ever engaged in peeing at an end urinal, and someone enters the middle urinal with the intention of peeing, turn your body at a 20 degree angle away from him to indicate you want privacy.
If he is unreceptive to your hint, you might consider peeing on his leg.
Uhhh well then again… maybe that would not be a good idea. … see the quick tips at the end.
Ahhh ok now how about four urinals,
The decisions start to really pile up. Even if all four urinals are empty upon your arrival, there is still a lot of thinking to do. Ideally, you should still choose a nice, clean smelling urinal at either one of the ends. However, certain extenuating circumstances have set precedence for the selection of one of the two inner urinals. The reason that this is acceptable is that the selection of an inner urinal does not decrease the potential One urinal buffer rule (don’t pee next to someone).
What about if someone is already there? Well, much like the other situations, pee if you can without peeing beside anyone, and otherwise lapse into delay tactics or stall deceit strategy. In fact, because of the buffer rules are identical for three and four urinals, etiquette is greatly preserved across the platforms.
Alright I will stay at 5 urinals since the rest is repetitive…
Here are some last minute pointers:
1. At the urinal never look to the sides unless there is a wall there. (don’t want to risk seeing something you want to avoid seeing, right neighbor?)
2. Never look straight ahead, always look a little up or down. If you like to aim at the gum that is floating go ahead. (Woot look at those fellers go.)
3. Never talk to urinal goers, even if you know him… Major breach of etiquette!!
4. If you are drunk or have Bad aim… What ever you do, try not to pee on the other guy!... He may want to make you regret it afterwards.
5. If you are about to get into a fight and are at the urinals (maybe because of your bad aim ) try to put it away first.
6. Don’t sing at the urinals or in that fact in the restroom if you are not alone…
7. Don’t forget… 3 shakes is OK but more is a misdemeanor
8. If you accidentally sneak a peek, don’t comment on it.
9. If you are tooled like Long John Silver. Use a stool, standing a foot away is just showing off.
10. No matter how good it feels you relieve yourself, for god’s sake! Don’t moan. LOL
There it is. That's it. All you need to know. I hope you paid close attention, and will follow these simple rules for the betterment of urinal goers everywhere!
9/24/2005 6:26 am
LMAO ... this is just too gosh darn funny ! I'm hooked ! You got yourself a brand new fan ... and a cute one at that !|
9/24/2005 7:59 am
Woohoo, I got me-self an honest to god fan.... uhhh.|
does this mean I have to watch out for paparazzis?