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Ride the wave-edge
Ride the wave-edge
If you want to learn, you have to notice what your orgasm reflex is. Just observe it a few times and pay attention to how it works. Especially, notice that there is a brief moment at the onset of orgasm when you are consciously aware that it is about to occur but it has not yet become inevitable. That's where you will later spend your time.
In the typical orgasm (both male and female) there are 8 to 25 muscular contractions. Women may have more than men; how many you have will vary at times. Get to know how many contractions you usually experience. Rrather than "suppressing" an orgasm, try to let one or two contractions happen and then relax. If you can learn to let one or two waves of orgasmic contractions occur and then relax by breathing slowly, and being attentive, and letting your abdominal muscles go limp, then you can learn to repeat this over and over again. Imagine yourself at the edge of a wave of pleasure, a wave which does not break over and run onto the shore.
It's easier with a partner, because he or she can hold you at the wave-edge, gently changing position and thus slowing you from going into the stage of involuntary pelvic thrusts you have been trying to "suppress."
While you are learning to ride the wave-edge, take turns with your partner. As one of you rides the wave of bliss, the other acts as a "lookout," keeping the wave-rider from falling into the undertow of orgasm. When the wave-rider reaches saturation and relaxes, you trade roles. During the course of one sexual encounter, you may trade roles often, for an hour or more. You may also rest (in a semi-detumescent state), and begin again later if you like. When you and your partner become attuned to one another, you will no longer think about who is riding the wave and who is guiding; the roles will blend and mesh and you will both simply "be" there. That is basically the "secret teaching" of tantra.
Sometimes, while learning these techniques, the lookout partner becomes suffused with a feeling of personal power, knowing that he or she can cause the wave-riding partner to have an orgasm, simply by making a slight gesture at the point when the wave-rider is letting go and relaxing. This experience of power should not be devalued. It is profoundly moving to realize that someone has given his or her sexuality into your control and it is a pleasure of high magnitude to watch the process of your partner's orgasm unfold -- but once you understand your power in the situation, don't force your partner over the edge, for mistrust may develop, and the partner who is continually forced into orgasm may lose the fine proprioceptive senses he or she should be developing. Occasionally, when one partner is sexually needy (for instance, a woman during the ovulation or pre-menstrual portion of her cycle), the gift of release into orgasm may be offered and accepted, but be prepared for the offer to be refused, too. Remember, at all times your goal should be to share equally in the experience, not to second-guess what you think your partner wants.
One recommended minimum length of time to spend exchanging off-and-on waves between partners is twenty minutes. It is believed by many who have practiced and studied this, that although less than forty minutes will be pleasant, it will not produce the sought-after spiritual experience. Remember, this time is shared between the two of you; typically, that does not even mean exactly ten minutes each at the edge-point, for it may take you a few seconds or a minute to get back to that place of wave-riding after you have had your turn being the lookout for your partner. As your experience increases, you may find that you can switch from lookout to wave-rider in less than a handful of seconds; when that happens, you have only to be careful that you do not become over-confident and "forget" to relax when your training tells you it is time to relax.
If, by reason of forgetfulness or over-excitement, either partner is drawn inexorably into orgasm, neither party should be alarmed, angry, or distressed. For one thing, if you have been very close to the edge for a long time and you see your partner slipping over, it's a simple matter to dive in and join the orgasmic experience. Or, if you prefer, you can watch, content in viewing from the vantage point of calm contemplation. It has been my experience that when one partner fails to maintain the wave-riding technique, he or she is forgiven with tender kisses; there is no sense of disappointment or resentment, because both partners know that the supply of pleasure is not meted out stingily and that balance will be restored in due time.