Reposting: a twist, a turn on a dark night...  

PDXbb 44M
2 posts
10/26/2005 9:24 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Reposting: a twist, a turn on a dark night...


This is a copy of a post from my Rubble blog. For the life of me, I do not know why I am posting it here, but it is me, it is tonight, and I am an exhibitionist, even on ugly emotional fluff such as this...

And it is me, and it is tonight. It is why I posted the links below. Alone, we fade...

In a small way, these little blogs can preserve us, can shield us from the dying of the light...

Repost:

The Real Blog

Recently, I've been caught up in so many little on-line deals that I have almost forgotten that Rubble is my main blog. This is where I am supposed to go to write about life and the universe and everything. Blogs are so ubiquitous these days that it is easy to get distracted by the back alleys of daily internet surfing and to forget where home is, but I miss my home, my invisible, uncountable readership and all.

And if I ever did have a readership, I hope you had enough self-respect to flee my blog by now. Then again, someone must still be watching the Adam Carrola show on Comedy Central, so maybe someone is still checking my links after weeks of silence anyway.

SO ........................

What is what and where is it?

The year mark passed recently on my new life and this has been an introspective time full of quiet contemplation... Uh, something like that. Do not get me wrong, I regret nothing. But it has been a rough ride here recently. Went on something of a date, asked her out again, have yet to hear back... I went on a date a year ago, I did not feel ready then. Tanked. This time, now, I feel ready, but I probably should have stayed home the night I went out, I went out anyway.

I could understand if she does not want to see someone who had the personality of a vegetable again.

But it has been nice. If nothing comes out of that night, it is still good to feel like I am back on my feet again. To have something outside of homework and childrearing to look forward to. I am a Student and a Father, but I am also a Man. I am also a Writer. I am also a musician and a movie buff and a theater junky. I lost all of that for a while, and it would be wrong to blame it all on the marriage, though that definitely sealed my lifeless state for the longest time.

I forgot about music, theater and movies. I needed to forget about other things during that time, wild nights and uncomfortable mornings, but I didn't need to lose myself.

I did it anyway. It was easier.

Blah.

Today I have done little that I was obligated to do today. I did not write the paper I was supposed to write. I played school bus for my first grader and that was about that. I tried to get back in touch with my oldest, dearest friend and may have screwed that friendship up. Sent an emotionally heavy e-mail at a time where she cannot possibly want to deal with such things... I only found this out after the e-mail was sent. One that was apologizing for being a crappy friend and thanking her for sticking with me anyway...

But, it is good. It made me feel alive. I live in my cave and I do my homework and I get good grades and I raise my children to the best of my ability and I go to sleep late, too tired to think, and I get up early, too tired to think, and I do what I need to do to build this life that I am building. But what about music, dancing, talking, exploring, fucking, laughing, crying, hiking, driving, camping; nature, art, light and love and life?

It takes a while to build these things, one seemingly disconnected step at a time, but I will find them. I will, I must...

Strange as it may seem, it can be intimidating just to start, to take the first step, even to think about taking that first step. But I am, I will...

I must.

And now, I have updated my primary blog. The entry may be boring, but the action is good, for me.

And now, I should go to bed. And now, the cold stillness of a late October night creeps in, not like a voiced whisper, but like an empty space, a silent void. I am better than this voice-no-voice. I know better than to let its words tug on the puppet strings of my life, to let the cold Fall wind breathe ice upon my bones, but while I can deny it, I cannot avoid it. It is everywhere, it is the air, the season, it is my empty life... Turning the coffee pot back on though it late for caffeine, it diminishes. I think about driving down to the cornerstore for a six pack and then typing even more crazy words into this readerless blog, I think about heading over to the neighborhood bar and continuing my exploration into the lifeless, passionless, sexless nature of suburban eschatology...

I update a post. I write words with a careless ease because I believe that no one will read them...

Leaves blow from the trees unseen in the night outside my window. I can feel the cold air of a new Winter approaching, bleeding through the windowglass next to me, and I write these words because I cannot imagine wanting to do anything else right now.

I will not fade. I will not burn out.

But tonight challenges these words.

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