Owlwatcher 40M
29 posts
9/14/2005 2:31 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


Been a few days since the last post. I thank Janix for the advice and support. Thing is, I know I will and should get over this. I'm just frustrated by my inability to cope consistently throughout the days.

I worked a double shift on Sunday. Went in at 3 during the daylight. I was doing well, felling fine. But as I got tired throughout the night, the depression started to cripple me. I felt like quitting my job, felt no hope of feeling happy again, couldn't figure out how I was going to return to normal and start enjoying life again.

I got a cup of coffee (cappucino, actually) and walked around for a bit. My mood changed suddenly and I felt fine again. The caffeine helped wake me (I never drink coffee, so a good large cup kicks in nicely when I really need it) and my alertness staved off a deeper depression. I think I actually became slap-happy, which was nice. I know the coffee isn't a long-term fix, but the giddiness I felt was invaluable. I have often said, sleep is the fulcrum of life's delicat balance.

So the last few days have been good for the most part. I have softball Wed. to look forward to again, which helps me feel useful, part of a team. I may have to ask my doctor for an ant-depressant to help keep me on an even keel, because I am really annoyed with feeling despair one moment and great curious hopefulness the next. My counselor hasn't recommended any, and I haven't asked. But when I first started seeing him last year, I was on an anti-dep. After its ineffectiveness, I quit taking it, and he didn't recommend a new one. I don't know if he can actually prescribe them or not. So I'll go to my physician who gave me the prescriptions in the first place and see if there is another one better suited to me. I'm not suicidal anymore (not that I ever really believed myself to truly be), but I am irrational more often than is normal. Because my job really does kick ass, but I get so low sometimes I don't even care.

Yesterday and earlier today, I was really motivated to post something meaningful, but I missed out on the mood and got lazy. But maybe tomorrow will be better. I really need to clean my place, too. Been lazy. But nobody sees it anyway, so the motivation hasn't been there.

Well, just wanted to capitalize on a stable mood for once. More later....

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