Later that day....  

Owlwatcher 40M
29 posts
8/31/2005 7:50 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Later that day....

I just got back from my softball game. Roselle Men's 12" league. We won our 1st game of the Fall season 20-7. It felt so good to be back on the field. I missed the summer league with a rotating work schedule which never guaranteed my Wednesdays off. Of course my team won the tournament without me. Bastards.
But I came back with a vengeance. I'm back in the outfield where I'm most useful, and I went 4-4 with 2 HRs. I figured it would take a few games to get my timing back, but maybe a summer full of rest was the perfect way to ensure a productive season.
The 45 minute or so drive home (yes, I go that far just to play softball) gave me lots of time to think about what I can write about. Trouble is, I don't have a wireless card for my brain yet, so many of the ideas escaped me and are floating in air somewhere along IL RT. 59.
I know the subject of my ex-wife will come up. And right on cue, here she is. She used to watch me play every week. This kind of bummed me out on the drive home, but not as bad as it would have in the past. What I was really worried about was one of the guys on my team. He is friends with my ex and me. He and I actually shared an apartment together which she frequented. I thought it would be awkward to play with him again because he is a part of her group of college friends and they had hung out with her over the summer on several occasions. I always accused her of choosing to be with her friends over me, and with him in that group, she had essentially chosen to be with him over me. Not romantically, of course.
But everything was business as usual. The sad thing is, he was a real great friend for a while. If I didn't have so many brothers, he'd have been a groomsman. I don't keep in touch with him outside of softball games. As a matter of fact, I don't keep in touch with any of my college friends. I've found it very easy to disengage for some reason. I don't feel the urge to seek them out. Maybe it's embarassment that I couldn't make a marriage work. Maybe since they are all friends with my ex also, I know they've already gotten her side of the story about why the marriage didn't work. I fear she vilified me and I'll be seen differently, but I don't want to waste my time showing why she was the cause of the breakup. She needs the friends so she can have them, I guess. I've always functioned with just 1 or 2 go-to guys. Now my 3 brothers are all old enough that we can hang out, and I feel they're all I need.
I started this feeling pretty good about myself, and now I've managed to kill my own buzz. I'm betting I'll do that quite often as I get over this stupid divorce and venture out into new waters slowly as I look back and try to figure out why....

janix1970 47M
3 posts
9/13/2005 5:28 am

Look forward buddy. I know you hate to hear that. I say that knowing full well that if I were you, I would be very much broken. A few years ago I went through a break up from a relationship of 9 years. I litterally tried to destroy myself as the light at the end of the tunnel seemed to be out. As it turns out, I am now in a relationship of (1 1/2yrs.) that is so good (for now LO that I litterally thank my ex for having the balls to walk away from our relationship because I wouldn't have what I have now. Of course this tends to play with my head as, if this one goes sour I am double doomed. If I had to go through it again, the only thing I can think would help is remembering that we as individuals are not justified by our partners. Again easy to say from the outside and I also know that the odds of my retaining that outlook in the event of another demise is pretty slim.

janix1970 47M
3 posts
9/13/2005 5:37 am

P.S. The phasing out of your 'want' to be around old friends will come back as you regain your self-esteem. It does seem embarassing, but a true friend will know different and support you. If she has sorta 'moved in' on your old friends, you will probably find that she wont be there too long. Women do that for some reason and I like to believe that my friends are well aware of the validity of her and their friendship. My opinion is that women do this in order to try to make themselves feel better about what has happened. By being around them she is waving a flag, albeit upside down, that's simply trying to say to them "See, I am not such a bad person".

They can be so evil, but they can be so good

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