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A friend of mine took me to a coffee shop to meet someone. It was awkward,
A. Because I felt thrust into a dating situation whether I was ready or not. (Not)
B. Because it was to meet the (twin) sister of his best friend, whom I also know.
C. Because she had apparently pushed the issue of wanting to meet me.
D. Because I'm 6 years older than her.
E. Because I felt I had to be ON tonight, regardless of my mood, to accomodate the situation.
She was kinda cute, but I didn't feel a spark. The conversation never flowed because my friend was trying to hook up with the girl's friend, scattering the topics around.
I know I'm better off when I see something I want and then go for it, because I don't feel any obligation. I may feel overwhelming fear of rejection, but that anticipation is much better than the feeling of trying to force conversation to stave off awkwardness.
Apparently when I went to the bathroom, she commented on my lack of eye contact. I acknowledged this with my friend because I know I didn't do that very often. It's just the way I am. I feel like a Muslim girl sometimes. I don't consciously avoid it, but I am aware of it.
So the point is, the meeting was forced, I had no control over it, she'd gotten a sneak peek at a picture of me beforehand, but I went in blind. She seemed nice, but the situation was all wrong. The first impression I got was that of obligation on both our parts, so I don't know that this will go anywhere. Which is fine by me. I feel I've been thinking very clearly for several weeks now, and I've been settling into my lifestyle. I get terribly bored on my days off, but dating right now hasn't even entered my mind. I like that. I like not being encumbered by a ground-level, nicety exchanging, personality probing, early dating relationship. I crave the deepness of an intense relationship, spelunking the caverns of one's fears, inhibitions and desires. But fast-forward doesn't exist in real life, and eventually I'll have to start all over again.
I think it would be better if something started on my own terms. I appreciate the effort on my friends' behalf, but I probably won't benefit from it this time. But I will learn what I want from seeing first what I don't.
Maybe this was good after all.
10/21/2005 7:15 pm
Blind dates are ackward as I have been on one myself. Sometimes the forced or contrived feel worse when you know that something spontaneous and natural feels so much better....I wish you much better luck next time.|