Ayuh. Yes, it's me.  

NoMoreMask 59M
6 posts
10/23/2005 9:33 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Ayuh. Yes, it's me.

Mr.Goodgiver disintegrated this morning, taking the Planet Pluto with him. Such a fool he had been, he thought. Such a waste. How had he misinterpreted what surely looked like a good omen only eight hours and twenty minutes earlier…

He had been smitten from the moment he first saw her, focusing all of his digital energy on her, keeping her always forefront in his mind when he returned to the real world. She was the inspiration behind all of his posts, and the necessary ingredients for all of his hope. Wooing her, like the school kid geek pursuing the prom queen, he had thought that he was making progress. He could recite in his mind most of his privately communicated thoughts to her, and all of hers to him. He didn’t know why, or how, but for reasons that may never be known to him, he fell in love with her. Never seeing more than a single emerald eye and a wisp of hair, but believing he knew her soul, he abandoned his original quest, then hung around, killing time, waiting, wanting. Waiting while they “took this slow,” as she once suggested… wanting her not to be nervous and frightened. Waiting to figure out what they both “had gotten themselves into“… wanting her to more than just think of him, as she once said she did… wanting her to fall in love with him.

He once tried to walk away from this digital world without her, but she somehow (maybe not knowing it herself) lured him back with her kind words and thoughtful sentiments. Words often written for many eyes, but for his soul only, he believed. He’d post his own words and sentiments just for her, but was glad to see that other eyes had seen them… if for no other reason than to keep him company while he waited for her replies… her little hints that she was still thinking of him.

She suddenly seemed distracted by something; absent from here, and he missed her achingly. He thought of walking away again, and almost did, but saw her words again, in two different back-to-back posts, and his hope held him tightly again. Like a prayer had been answered… like the wait was over… like his destiny had finally arrived. He cried when he read these two… cried like a new parent, not because of the pain of labor and delivery, but over the joy of seeing a new life emerge. He wanted to tell her in no uncertain terms how much he truly loves her, but even though his hope was over-flowing, tiny doubts began to creep out of the shadows of his mind. Nonetheless, he left his signature smiles for her… then spoke to her in his own place, knowing that when she viewed his thoughts, she would know that they were meant only for her, like all his other messages had been. As an after-thought, he sent her a private message, not knowing if she still had his many previous ones to use as a vehicle for one of her private (and cherished) responses.

He printed her posts, then left, racing to work only ten minutes away, his nagging doubts retreating to the back corners where they had begun. He read her thoughts over and over during his shift, but each time, though the messages didn’t change (how could they?), those tiny doubts started maturing and venturing out again. Her words, he reckoned, spoke of sadness in one, and seemed to evolve to a peacefulness in the next… as though she had been reflecting on something that was, and was now looking forward to something that was about to be. He dissected her words, groping for hidden clues… private hints meant only for him.

She talked about thinking that a love like that was possible because “you get to know what is truly in a person’s heart, mind, and soul before you even meet in person.” Had she discovered the truth in his heart, mind, soul? Would they both now have a chance to find out together what matters in their so-called miserable lives? And she thanked someone else… for the insight? that showed her how this kind of love can be. Was she saying goodbye to someone… “You will never know how much this has meant to me… I will always love you for that.”

By the time the dawn’s wakening light began to creep over the eastern horizon, he had become sad again. “Always trust your first impression,” Regis says to his Millionaire Show contestants. Mr.Good’s first impressions had been wrong in the past… were they wrong again? Were these words of hers concealing a private, hopeful hint to him? Or were they hiding what she knew would be the pain of her rejection… In less than a half-hour from that time, he was sure he would know, one way or the other. He was right, he knew, but didn’t want to believe it. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but we are a couple,” the man’s post began… and Mr.Good’s innocence ended… Mr.Good ceased to be.

He deleted the account and everything tied to it… the hopes, the dreams, the thoughts that were written and meant only for her. He went to bed, and cried again. Not out of shame or embarrassment, but out of fear. And not fear for himself… fear for her. He couldn’t join others in wishing her the best… he could only pray that she wouldn’t be hurt again when he (para-phrasing) “lets us know what happened with this encounter” (how anyone can go from being totally aggravated to "giddy" in two hours is a mystery to him) but he knows it will hurt. “Love is digital, if you’re trapped. I know.”

There was no Princess… just a woman like any other. Mr.Goodgiver went to bed crying… T.P.Lentz woke up a few hours later and threw the mask away. This time, there is no search options, no Cupid Settings, no need for a Gold Membership because there is no one else to see. I have her pictures in my head, and protected from those doubts that still want to sneak around in there. I found what I wasn’t looking for the last time out… this time, I’m desperately seeking me. I can’t send her private thoughts this time around… but I can hope that she’ll still see them… that she’ll still want to see them.

And, yes… it’s much better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all.

Mood: Numb, but alive.

NoMoreMask 59M

10/23/2005 12:33 pm

I almost walked away again... and maybe someday I'll know why I didn't. I'm off the radar this time... this is just for us, if you want it to be.

P.S. Finished "Hearts in Atlantis"... found the complete Dark Tower series at Half-Price Books... "Gunslinger" gets started tonight. Ayuh.

NoMoreMask 59M

10/23/2005 7:30 pm

You found me? Please don't be a stranger.

MisterPriapus 57M
6980 posts
10/24/2005 4:37 pm

Powerful piece of writing.

Having been precisely where you are, you have my deepest sympathies, pal...

(btw, hope you find the Dark Tower series as fine a read as I did)


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



Efilnikufecin69 47M

10/24/2005 9:44 pm

Hey Mask, don't take it so hard. We were communicating outside AdultFriendFinder for some time. She always enjoyed getting support words from you, from me, from everyone. She loves to flirt and she is a good soul and would NEVER purposely hurt anyone!

There are so many others out there and I am sure you will find one for yourself if you look hard enough. The name change was a good idea cause the old one was a turnoff for her.

We both wish you luck and hope for no hard feelings.

bulging_boy 49M

10/25/2005 7:17 pm

life can be cruel, and we all lose out on things.

We cannot control others lives and loves.

Timing and other factors play bigger roles than our own desires.

If we truly love, then we must be happy... for their happiness fuels ours.

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