I am exquisitely.......empty.......  

Nightguy_1961 55M
3324 posts
5/5/2006 12:50 am

Last Read:
5/10/2006 9:58 pm

I am exquisitely.......empty.......

Just another cold day in Hell...

I'm not sure what to write or even how to write it. I know I've just posted a blog about wondering what's on the other side of the fence, but now I'm wondering if it was worth the time to write it or post it. I just read a bunch of the blogs I normally comment on; I knew it was for the best when I realized my comments were moving from the sarcastic flavor to a more hateful sounding tone, so I just stuck to reading and not commenting.

I don't know even how to begin: I had a day off; that should have been a good thing, instead, it was nothing spectacular...I almost wish I'd gone into work. Running here and there, trying to get things done in one day that I can't get done because of my f*cked up work schedule. By the time I stopped Wednesday afternoon, I was exhausted...and that's when I have to be careful, for when I'm tired is when an attack of depression can slip up on me unexpectedly.

Thursday morning, I felt like my life was teetering on the razor's edge for some reason...and again, I couldn't figure out why. But as the day wore on, it seemed to be one thing after another. First, I log on to my IM and get the shock of my life: an invite to chat...from my first ex-wife, plus offline messages from my kid sister and my daughter-in-law. I just turned off my IM and didn't even attempt to answer anything...but the obvious question is there. How in the hell did my ex get my IM addy? I'm looking suspiciously at my kid sister...God have mercy if that's the case, because I won't. Now, I'm almost hesitant to log onto IM...who'll be on there next...my other ex-wife? Shit...

Then I found out that a close family member has voiced some misgivings about the Lifestyle choices that my lady & I have chosen. Needless to say, my lady is a bit upset over this and I am stunned. I don't know whether to address the situation calmly and rationally...or to just keep my mouth shut and not make waves. If you knew the source and knew it well, you'd be stunned as well, not knowing whether to laugh or yell bloody murder.

I, myself, have a couple of Lifestyle choices to think about...and I don't know which way to go. Either way, I fear it will be a win-lose or a lose-lose situation. I am seriously considering becoming just a scholar on BDSM...and leave the play to others from now on. Writing and answering questions seems to be better suited for me; I'll leave the pursuit for someone more worthy.

Getting back to the blogs: I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but in one blog, I was told I looked like Rasputin. The blogger had my picture up beside a picture of the notorious 'Mad Monk'...and I looked at it and said, "OMG...they're right...I wonder if that's how I come across as...a madman...?" So now, I'm looking at maybe toning down what I write somewhat. That comparison has stuck in my head now for awhile...and I just can't shake it.

I'm not depressed...and I'm not angry. As the infamous Pinhead said in one of the Hellraiser movies when the hero asked him if he believed in anything,
"I have faith in nothing...I am exquisitely...empty!!"

That's how I feel right now...empty...devoid of anything that remotely resembles emotion.

As I said...just another cold day in Hell...

NG61...fading...and maybe disappearing...into the shadows...

©Nightguy_1961 2006


curious082385 31F
4925 posts
5/5/2006 1:10 am

Please don't start to doubt yourself because of what other people say. So someone makes a dumb comparison. Don't let it bother you...those of us who are here know that you aren't a crazy madman. Far from it actually.
As to people remarking on your lifestyle choices, that one is a little harder and here I try to tread carefully. Of course, the opinions of family and friends matters, but at the same time it is YOUR LIFE! Does this lifestyle make the two of you happy? How would you feel if you denied that part of your nature and your relationship?
You can't make everyone else happy all the time and people are always going to be hesitant, unsure and even scared of things that they don't understand. Don't let their lack of understanding and acceptance change how you are or cause you to hold back.
Speaking for myself, I love your writing and value the depth and honesty you share here. And I seriously doubt that I am alone on that.

Forgive me for ranting or if I crossed a line with any of that


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 2:38 am:
curious,

I know...the logical side of me accepts everything you say...but there's that 'other' side of me that either wants to lash out, flip the bird, or just disappear....

Thank you for your thoughts, though...I do appreciate it.

MamChelle 48F  
1443 posts
5/5/2006 2:13 am

i for one am sorry to see this...and i pray that it is a passing mood and that You get it under control soon. *soft smiles and offer of a loving shoulder of the little sister persuasion should You wish to use it*


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 2:39 am:
chelle,

No need for you to apologize...not your fault. And it's not a mood, like anger or sadness.....there's just nothing there...period...like a hole where my soul used to be....

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
5/5/2006 2:27 am


I agree wholeheartedly with curious on what she wrote (including an apology if necessary).

I seriously doubt if the person who made that remark has a clue as to how what they wrote affected you. Apparently they didn't even bother to mention to you that you would be featured at that particular blog.

As someone who knows every dark corner of the empty thing, there's so much going through my mind that I best not share here.

Know you are treasured, cherished here. If you don't, read the comments on your blog. Want me to spell it out for you? I just have. Want me to do it again? Just holler.

Know you have your amazing lady, and friends, and others who won't judge you by what someone else carelessly remarks about you. Anyone who cares looks beyond that. And if they don't care, don't care for them.

I best stop now....


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 2:41 am:
GOTD,

I hear you...but as I told chelle....this is something beyond feeling down...just as every penny adds up to make a dollar, the little things have piled up, draining everything out of me right now.

The trouble is, I don't know if I can refill anytime soon....my wonderful lady notwithstanding.....

Thanks for your kind words, thought...

HBowt2 58F

5/5/2006 3:52 am

Nightguy....I've only just found my way here and it's funny how that happened today of all days...considering what you posted. For years I've been swayed by what other people want of me...expect of me....and I haven't been very happy. People controling what you want to do...where you feel comfortable being is never a good thing...it means you are out of your own control...Yes we do have choices and sometimes making those choices will restrict how we behave...but we need to be sure that we make all our choices in our own best interests.....
if your lifestyle makes you and your lady happy and you feel it is right for you then you don't have a problem.....other people need to deal with their own problems...and if what you do is a problem for them it is still their problem...
good luck and i hope you feel better about things soon...HB2


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 10:41 pm:
HBowt2,

Thanks for your kind words...I think that all of us want unequivocal approval on everything we do...and we're stunned when it doesn't happen.

I agree...it's their problem...let them deal with it...I have enough on my plate, thank you very much...

Thanks for your comments and welcome to my blog....

libgemOH 56M/52F

5/5/2006 4:16 am

L, one day, after becoming what all those people in my life wanted me to be, I had to look myself in the mirror and say "Who the fuck are you?" And the truth of the matter is, I didn't have the first clue. I had become who everyone else wanted me to be and was lost. Please, do not do that to yourself!! I am still, to this day, 5 years later trying to figure out ME and it is a very hard and difficult journey.

You are a rare one. A man of strength who has chosen to be true to you and the ones you love. A man with feelings and compassion and true love in your heart for those around you, myself included. And yes, I feel it through the words you write!!! If others want to misjudge you, that is their problem, please don't make it your problem.

I am a bit of a crazy woman. My being a chameleon for so long has had its price and like I said, I am still journeying back from that chameleon like state. As a result, I have been called wreckless and cold hearted and if I believed them, I would not be the woman who sits here today writing to you. I'm learning to love this woman and others love this woman too. This is Who I AM!!! L, please do not be anyone other than WHO YOU ARE!!! -B


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 10:48 pm:
B,

My second wife tried to do that to me...make me into something that I wasn't. Once she left, I started to make my way back to what I was.

I just have a hard time loving myself....sometimes I fear I never will. But the Journey is far from over *smiles*

Thank you for your comments and the email.....

rm_metalmama69 42F
3878 posts
5/5/2006 4:35 am

i hope that this is just a bad time for You that will pass quickly.

The bottom line is that sometimes people suck!!! They insert their foot first & think about it later. When i first left my hubby, the people in the small town i live in went nuts!!! They had me having more kinky fun then i even knew i was having!!! Sometimes people have nothing better to do with their lives then to cut someone down to make themselves feel better.

Please, just do what feels right for You!!! Just be happy, that's all W/we want for You


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 10:58 pm:
metalmama,

Thank you...I just took it wrong is all...but I think things will work out. I'm quite alright...just had to sit back and regroup is all.

I don't think it was a cut down, but I was afraid that it would be misinterpreted, nothing more....

Thanks....

rm_PeanutJackie 35F
1286 posts
5/5/2006 5:05 am

Very sorry to read that you're having a couple bad days. I hope all turns out well for you *gentle hugs*

"I am beautiful no matter what you say, words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today."


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:00 pm:
PeanutJackie,

It comes and goes, but I think that we're getting past them...the next week will tell...

Thanks for your kind thoughts....

wickedeasy 66F  
25377 posts
5/5/2006 5:16 am

want me to list all of the great people that were considered mad men?
want me to tell you you arent't?

well yanno Night - i won't because right now you won't hear that

but when you crawl up out of the abyss, call me. no matter what time day or night.

i'll be waiting on you, we all will

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:03 pm:
wicked,

You know, you can be a real pain in the ass when you want to be*grins*...and I love you for it.

I know that I can always depend on you to hold out your hand...along with several others...I just needed to vent, nothing more.

Thanks, darlin'

papyrina 50F
21133 posts
5/5/2006 7:58 am

Its the time of year,the moon ect,too many are feeling down at the moment,fighting with our demons and then other morons add other demons ontop of it,but we all do bounce back.I got asked if there was a virus in blog land my two members who just read the blogs as we all seem so down or ill.
yep before that stupid gossip about me,yep it hurt, still does but i will fight it and win,same with depression i'm battling it at the moment and i'm not even PMT lol and i will win,i'm stronger,yep we can wallow in our problems its sometimes easier but we should always remember the little blessing that we have in our lives.
The love and respect from your lady,the gift of love you return back to her,keep that foundation and work on the other stuff slowly.

Hugs and get back in the light were you belong.


I'm a

and
i'm here to stay


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:13 pm:
papy,

I've noticed the same thing; that a lot of bloggers seemed a little bummed out...I just needed to vent...it's been a long week..for not just me, but for my lady as well...and the crap just built up.

I'll come into the light...if you'll leave the convent...deal?*smiles*

Thanks, as always, dear lady.....

rm_Kissmystuff 61F
1435 posts
5/5/2006 10:41 am

Dear Sir...

Admiration for you is what prompted me to feature you in my posting. I deeply regret that you were offended by the comparison to Rasputin. When you consider..where this man came from..born a peasant in Siberia..and the heights to which he ascended..the story can only be called amazing. This was a man of such charisma..such magnetism that he came to influence the royal family of Russia. The Tsar and Tsarina considered him a personal friend..as well as a prophet..and healer..a holy man. That was my thought..when I made that comparison.

You must also remember that the history books are written by the winners in any conflict. They can present the "facts" to suit their purposes. In my readings about him..it became clear..that there were those jealous of his influence in the Russian royal court. This jealousy was harbored by clerics of the church as well. Was he mad? That's questionable. Can this not be said of some of our own..by those who wish to explain behavior they don't understand or approve of?

It hurts to know..I caused you any pain. Please accept my apology.

Kiss

Kiss


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:21 pm:
Kiss,

I understand and I appreciate your explanation. My biggest concern was that someone who wasn't knowledgeble about who Rasputin was would make the wrong assumption...nothing more.

I've never considered myself to be charismatic or to have any type of magnetism. I just tend to be 'the power behind the throne'; the one who whispers in the King's ear...you know the type.

I wasn't hurt...just caught off guard is all. I still make the offer, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask...whether here or by email...

I admire your knowledge of history...it would be a pleasure to sit down and discuss our views about the subject...

Thank you and no need to apologize...no harm, no foul.....

rm_CuummDrop 48F
2591 posts
5/5/2006 2:12 pm

Dear Sir...

Do You know, i've talked to BaBs about a very important matter?... Dear Sir, i've asked Ms. BaBs, if She could speak to You about being my Mentor... A protective wing so to speak, i see You as an angel of light, not some madman.. And quite honestly Sir, that just ticks me off that someone would say that, not knowing the HEART and SOUL behind His posts.

As far as the family members are concerned, it took me a long time to be open and honest with family members.. it was easy here for the most part it was.. But family members are a whole different ball game. Now, all of my family know, my Sister has known, but Aunts and Uncles know now.. Its what makes me happy, it is who i am.. Now here Kinks are readily accepted, or supposed to be. There was a Man that come into chat or used too, He was openily ridiculed for His kinks. Since then i rarely, rarely go into the Southern Chat Room, because of this, they were supposed to be my friends... i opened my arms to Him since then, and have been Mentoring Him since... This weekend He is going to 1763 for His first time, and He is Sooooooo excited...

But Sir, know this... YOU are REAL... Your lady is REAL... That's the difference between most of these "onliner's"... They don't give (some) a rats ass Who the freak they hurt, because with their mindless minds they go spouting off at the fingers, not thinking of the damage that they can cause a person.. And You know me Sir, i do not hold my tongue!

Now, Sir, i need You...

wendy

Now won't last forever, so use it wisely~c


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:34 pm:
wendy,

I know that you've spoken with BAB...and She & I have talked about it, albeit briefly. No disrespect, but I think that this is not the forum to talk about this, but maybe in private...okay? *smiles*

I don't think it was done maliciously, so no need to get upset...I'm not.

We will talk about this later, okay?

Thank you, my dear.....

jadedbabe78 105F

5/5/2006 11:16 pm

....hugs.

Fuck 'em, some people just suck and have no tact.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/5/2006 11:42 pm:
Jadey,

Thanks for the hug...I do appreciate it....

Such language...tsk, tsk, tsk *grins*

Thanks for listening.....btw, I like the picture

rm_daveman45nz 56M
42 posts
5/6/2006 3:25 am

"I have faith in nothing...I am exquisitely...empty!!"

Shit, you mean this feeling isn't normal? I always wondered why others were able to do so much more than me.
I agree with Frnds, to make decisions in this state can be dangerous.

Although this is the first time on your blog, I have always found your comments on others to be considered & thoughtfull. The pic is great. Wish I was that handsome.

Dave


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/6/2006 3:37 am:
dave,

Welcome...I appreciate your comments...and you're right about the picture...I don't Pinhead has looked better *grins*

btw....what kind of wine are you drinking? Just curious....

rm_fireswan 49F
69 posts
5/6/2006 10:13 pm

Hi there , just saw the Pinhead (such a sexy guy) pic first to be honest , I m a big Hellraiser fan (the first four anyway) I wanted "your suffering will be legendary even in hell" written into my wedding vows(grin) but my husband thought the priest probably wouldn't oblige
Didn't realise I would be reading such a heartbreaking post .. (sends you and yours a hug)
How we are viewed in live is all a matter of perception .. for example with regards to the Pinhead pic .. I look and think wow he's gorgeous other people would think him just a monster and a freak (and view me the same way no doubt !)
Right now babe it seems that you are looking for the negative from people because you're feeling so negative about yourself , don't do it ! Look at your woman who you hold so precious .. if you weren't wonderful in her eyes would she be with you ? Trust me, hers is the only opinion that matters , esp when you're feeling vulnerable
Take care
Fireswan x


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/6/2006 11:49 pm:
fireswan,

Thank you and welcome...

I figured that I was developing a negative attitude, so that's why I didn't comment on a lot of the blogs I normally comment on because I could see my comments were starting to get a negative tone to them.

I know what I have in my life and I do appreciate what I have...but there are times when things pile up...and this was one of those times....

Thanks

rm_daveman45nz 56M
42 posts
5/7/2006 4:01 am

btw....what kind of wine are you drinking? Just curious....

NG

I wonder if you read these old posts? Well anyway:
Its Moet French Champers
Nothing but the best 4 you my man.

Dave


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/7/2006 9:47 pm:
Sounds good....I enjoy a good red wine....merlots especially.

NG61

Whispersoftly5 52F
15176 posts
5/9/2006 1:46 pm

Wow, what a post and what a time you're having. Sweetie (hope you don't mind that term of endearment), I sure hope that you do not let others impose their beliefs upon you or your sweet Lady. We have one life given to us (at least in my view) and we should be able to live it the way that feels most comfortable and right for us. Keep true to yourself and your Lady. You both are wonderful people and I hope you don't let the negative from others influence your happiness.

(((HUGS))) Whisper...


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/9/2006 5:23 pm:
Don't worry...they can try, but they won't succeed in screwing with me....my universe, my rules *smiles*

ohcurious14 59M
1683 posts
5/10/2006 8:12 am

I know this is late NG but you are well within your rights to feel the way you do. You had a trust violated!!!!


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/10/2006 10:00 pm:
It is quite alright...the situation is well in hand....it would appear that some people want to play....well, time to change the rules of the game....stay tuned.....

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