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a friend loss
a friend loss
about 6 weeks ago i lost a friend dear to me, some might have heard about it, his name was tracey, and he was involved in stealing a cab.
im sad and confussed about this, he had went back to the neiborhood we all hung out at growing up. he had a gun on him, when the police got wind that there was someone letting off a gun in the park, they showed up.
tracey was down in the park shooting off the gun, to get attention i asume? then he had come up from the park and went into the friends house, and when the police showed up, they called him out of the house, holding a gun, and a 40oz of beer.
they told him to put down the gun, witnesses say he went to put down the gun, but they way he went to put it down, i guess it was pointed at the police, so the fired once, and then twice.
it took 2 shots to take him down, they had shot him im the chess, with shotguns, after this he was pronounced dead at the sceen, may people have different views about this.
when i went to his showing i found out the last 8 years of us not really knowing each other anymore, he lost his father, and was in and out of jail, many of the charges were dropped. tracey was the kind of guy who would make you laugh, make you want to be around him!!
i learned that tracey was going to get help that morning, and something went wrong, i guess he decided today was the day? at his showing, they had some letters he had wrote, mostly about life after death.
i learned he had stacks of these kinds of letters and songs, he felt there was no hope left for him, he couldnt find a job, because of his record, and the past 8 years he was hearing voices?
this is a tracey i never knew, he was my buddy, my friend and i never dreamed that i would get a call that he had been killed!!!
my problem, or should i say my guilt is could i have made a difference in his life if we still talked, and not let 8 years go by without talking, i feel he is at peace, i do think that is how he wanted his life to end.
tracey wanted to end his life but he knew it was a sin to do it his self, he leaves behind a brother, a newphew, a mother, aunts , and 2 daughters which none of them knew what he had in plan for that day.
i may be wrong for writing this, because i wasnt there when he got shot, and i wasnt there the past 8 years, but just reading his letters made me know its what he wanted, i just wish i would have known!!!
4/29/2006 11:48 pm
I stumbbled across your story and I wanted to tell you that your feelings are natural...anyone with a straight mind would feel sorrow when hearing about such a loss and a waste of what you desribe as a good but troubled man. With the exception of the guy who wrote back to your poll saying that he knew and did nothing....this is wrong on so many level, I am not sure how he looks himself in the mirror? The difference in your story and his is glaring. Many, perhaps all of us have troubles, everyday, all the time. It is the managing of these that make the difference, and you were right when you mentioned that being with him would have perhaps made a difference. The people around us are the strength we need when we do not have it ourselves, this is a fact. Ever see a homeless person and wonder why or how this happened to them? My answer to myself is that they did not have people who genuinely cared for them....why else would they e out on the street?
Your guilt however is a reaction and in my opinion is being hard on yourself. You said he fired the gun to get attention....so different from the a-hole who knew, you clearly did not. It would seem to me that he DID NOT want to die, and while he was confused, frustrated and even at the end of his rope, this encounter could have been the catalyst to get him the help he needed....it is the cop who, for whatever reason, shot him and killed him.....this is what pisses me off and should be your focus. If they had to shoot fine, but why the need to shoot the torso and knowingly kill another person?