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A Year In Review
A Year In Review
I met him at a swinger's club. I hadn't been going there for long, but I'd stayed away from dating the year after my divorce and was sick of staying in the house. I don't have many friends and none of them are single so going out was difficult. I was curious about swinging so I went down one night. I've been told that was quite the ballsy thing to do being a single woman. Yeah, well, that's me.
It was my second or 3rd time there and this man walked up to me and introduced himself. It was nothing more than a 2 minute conversation and that was the end of it. He later found me on a swinging site and emailed me there. We messaged back and forth for about a week and then one night he came over. We talked for a long time and then we played. We were together from then on.
Between the two of us having kids it was tough getting together, but we made it work. Between mixing visitation schedules we were together. I'll never forget playing in the backyard at night last summer - the freedom of being naked outside....
My kids are well-adjusted after the divorce and were ready for me to date. His were not, well, one of them anyway. I don't minimize the hard times those kids went through, but I believe that you can't let them hang on to the past forever or they'll never find their way out.
He was pretty closed up emotionally, but sexually he was incredible. We were great that way. Besides the sex, though, I loved being in the dark with him because that's where he felt safest and would talk about the 'real' stuff.
Things were so easy for us. We were so compatible and meshed so DAMN well! He was the one to say "I love you" first. I still believe that he did/does love me in his own way, but there is more to love than just words. Oh, he took me out to dinner and he bought me trinkets here and there. He was, all in all, very good to me. He was just too tied to his past and he couldn't figure out how to move on let alone teach his children how to do it.
I met the oldest, 15, and we got along well for the most part. She was accepting of our relationship and the ice was melting. We could have had a nice relationship. His youngest, though, is so emotionally messed up that she prefers he spend the rest of his life alone. Because of this I had to hide from her. At first I could understand it, but a year later I could not.
What ended up to be the final straw was when the youngest paid the oldest to finish addressing thank you notes for gifts she'd received 2 months earlier. I compromised my own beliefs because I rationalized that the youngest had done the most important part - said thank you and an address wasn't that important. My note arrived and it had been written by the oldest, not the one that had received the gift. This hurt and offended me, but what hurt even worse was his response to it. He just stopped talking to me and I haven't spoken to him since. I didn't pitch a bitch about it, but I did express that it hurt me and that his girls should apologize. BOOM! After a whole year of a wonderful relationshp it ended on just that.
You'll say that I should be thankful that I found out now instead of later, but honestly that doesn't help me feel one bit better. I had NO inkling that he was incapable of standing up to his children and making them do the right thing. I can't have that influence around my own kids because that isn't how I'm raising them. Doing the right thing is oftentimes doing the hard thing. I'm finding that out right now. I love him SO much for all the right reasons, but this is a part of me that I cannot compromise. He basically told his children that they could offend me and that it was perfectly ok. That isn't what I believe.
He's a good man, all in all. He's so smart with a terrific wit and sense of humor. He can be so silly when he lets that wall down. He's a fantastic lover and really did treat me well for the most part. It was so amazingly comfortable with him, like we'd been together forever. So many things clicked so easily and our views, I thought, were so similar on child-rearing. It ended up that he was more talk than action on that. Either he thought it was too hard or he was too afraid to do the right thing when it mattered most. Probably both.
He's known from early on that my dream is to be married. I don't consider my first one a marriage at all - I think of it more like a legal roommates contract. It wasn't a marriage as marriage should be. I've wanted that since I was a young girl. He knew that, and I knew that the position he was in with his kids would prevent him from doing anything 'soon'. But dammit, I thought we were at least moving in the right direction - building on something strong and good - but then WHAM! The first 'real' bump in the road with his kids and it's over. No goodbye, no nothing.
I scared him. I'm an extremely perceptive/intuitive person and be it blessing or curse I manage to get behind the walls that people put up - get behind the mask. I don't do it intentionally. Most of the time I wish I didn't know or couldn't feel what I do. I wish I could be like everyone else that goes through life blissfully ignorant, but I'm not wired that way. I got behind the wall and I touched on things that terrify him without even knowing I was doing it. I was just being me - loving him. I genuinely, and for all the right reasons, love him.
I believe that in this life every person is a teacher and that every person is a student. There aren't many that understand the concept. I learned so much from him, and there was so much I could have taught him about the real kind of love, but he didn't want to learn because he's afraid of it. I don't think he's ever had that kind of love before and he was more willing to stay trapped in the comfortable place he knows than take the risk of learning about something so incredibly amazing.
So here I am, alone, again. It is absolutely the worst feeling in the world to sincerely know that something was just so good, and then POOF
My parting wish is that he will eventually conquer that demon of fear and find the true joys in life.