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Standardized Guide to the Bases
Standardized Guide to the Bases
~I got this interesting reference system in my inbox the other day...thought Id share it with you all.
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher.
9/26/2005 4:30 pm
Although, I think a VD would be an injury. Could possibly take you out for the whole season.
12/14/2005 5:25 am
12/30/2005 10:11 pm
that's pretty good, i was thinking though...|
what's a bench clearing brawl...?
i suppose it would be a gang bang!
1/16/2006 7:56 am
Love it all. Though I would call a grand slam a four person sex fest.|
Thanx for the laugh.
3/25/2006 6:43 pm
Since I saw you used the baseball sex analogy, do you know any other analogies?|
For me the bases are the same as they are to you, but I heard from people like Bill Maher that bases got all screwed up with the younger generations (seems like I'm part of an older generation already). So I won't be surprised when they throw them at me they turn out to mean different things.
3/29/2006 10:52 pm
analogies for what though? i mean.. sex is the most interesting one! wonder if there are other sports related sex stuff.. do ya know any?|
4/2/2006 12:57 pm
Analogies between sex and whatever... I mean starting with sex organs there is an analogy to animals... a pussy and a cock... there is another sport analogy to sex that you posted using football instead of baseball, that is the kind of other analogies I was talking about|
4/2/2006 9:39 pm
lol.. omgosh.. my brain was short circuited there... i have an excuse tho! was cramming like crazy for final exams! now im done school! YAY!|