To Thine Self Be True  

MissAnnThrope 56F
11679 posts
1/19/2006 2:34 am

Last Read:
8/18/2007 10:39 am

To Thine Self Be True

I was reading __Blaze's post, What do men and women want from A F F? Do you really know?. She makes some very good points. However, while she says people on the site aren't even aware of what they want, I tend to disagree.

It isn't so much that people don't know what they want, it's the fact people aren't honest about what they want, or they go about it completely the wrong way. It's about honesty.

Yes, some people are honest about what they want. Some people have wants that change from day to day. Others are completely confused. However, they all do one thing... They feed people lines, based on what they want to hear.

Now, this especially goes for the men. If you're trying bag a woman who says she wants a relationship, don't play her into bed. All you're going to do is create yet another wounded bird on the site. Be honest and take no for an answer, if she's not looking for what you want. All you're going to do is hurt her and get a bunch of her friends pissed off at you.

Ladies, don't put down you want free and easy if you're looking for a relationship. Because when you get free and easy the rest of us have to listen to you bitch about how in love you are with someone who let you know the score from the start. Don't agree to an open relationship thinking it's going to evolve into a closed relationship as soon as you're in love. You being in love doesn't mean he's in love too. You're only going to hurt yourselves. He's not going to fall in love with you because you give him sex whenever he wants. That makes you his personal cumbucket. Love is mental, not physical.

Conversely, gentlemen, don't convince women you want a closed relationship when you're still writing to every woman you can on here. You will be found out eventually. And if you belong to a community on here, fucking the wrong woman or even writing to the wrong woman will cause you to be found out. Then all her friends find out, etc.

Now, while Blaze states women lie to themselves about what they really want, that they really want a mate, I have found the opposite to be true. I have had first dates with many men off this site who are so enamored in emails, IMs, the phone. Then when they meet me, they expect the fairy tale, to fall in love with me at first sight. Then when they're not in love at first sight, they're disappointed. Men want the fairy tale more than women. Men want that chick flick ending. They expect to meet someone and "know" they're going to fall deeply in love.

Another reason I hate the all women deep down want to find a husband attitude is, it carries over. Men start to believe all women want that. There's been a massive influx lately, of men who think women are second class citizens and who would be better off looking for a Master/slave arrangement over on Alt than looking for sex on here, who write to us. They hate strong women with a passion. I can't tell you how much mail I've gotten telling me I'm never going to find a husband with my attitude and not knowing my place as a woman. News flash people... I'm 45 years old and I've never been married. If I planned on it, don't you think I'd already have one failed marriage under my belt already? Ask anyone who has been in my apartment... I have a hard enough time picking up after myself. And they think I want to do that for someone else?

Now, I also think it's awful that the people from the chat rooms talk about any woman who has more than one sexual partner from this site. As Blaze says, "Make no mistake about it ladies, if you fuck more than one AFFer your true colors WILL be talked about." WTF? I think it sucks that catty bitches will spend their time talking behind your back if you're not looking for true love. We're supposed to let the morals of a few dictate the morals of everyone?

I also think the supposed "girlfriend code" sucks. I once watched someone tell an ex-lover on the site, he can never date from the room again, as all those women are her friends and the girlfriend code comes into play. This is a woman I consider a passing acquaintance at best. So not a friend. No, when you say that to men, you're telling them, "I don't want you anymore, but I'll be damned if I let another woman have you." Then again, my sister married her best friend's ex-boyfriend of nine years a few years after they had broken up. The ex-girlfriend? She was maid of honor at the wedding, she gave them her blessings. But they're not psychotic.

Telling someone they can't date women you say hi to once in a while is a method of controlling beyond the grave. You met him in the room. You hooked up in that room. If you can't handle seeing him in that room talking to other women, that is your problem. Do the lady-like thing and leave the room until he's gone, if it's so damned painful. There are many other rooms on this site. I understand we all have egos, we want to think someone will never love again when we dump them. Unless we get laid first. Then who cares. It is pure ego. Nothing but ego.

The trouble is, way too many people want the fairy tale and aren't willing to admit it. So they spend their time talking behind the backs of those who are free, who do have the mentality those of us who grew up in the free love era have, they want to control the people they want, it's pure bullshit.

The bottom line is, if you're on this site, you have no right to judge others based on how many sex partners they have or don't have. The only reason to judge a person is on how they treat you and other people.

rm_muffin162 56M
763 posts
1/19/2006 6:09 am

I know what i want from it,a bit of light entertainment.

Efilnikufecin69 47M

1/19/2006 7:51 am

Very well stated MissAnn! I wish you would have had this posted when I started.

caressmewell 53F

1/19/2006 8:10 am

Great post Ann. Thank you.

__Blaze 46F

1/19/2006 12:23 pm

I thought you might find this interesting, particularly the chapter on promiscuity:


Apparently while most women seek ONE mate they often engage in sexual activity with more than one extra curricular fling-ding.

Does that mean we're both right? LoL

__Blaze 46F

1/19/2006 12:24 pm

D'Oh! Apparently the url thingywacker doesn't work

StreaktheFreak 38F

1/19/2006 12:28 pm


womanoirish 54F

1/19/2006 12:33 pm

"Men want the fairy tale more than women. Men want that chick flick ending." This has been my experience of some men from this site, too.

Very well stated post. I agree with your last statement. Words are only meaningful if there are matching actions to back them up.

NickRules999 39M
9464 posts
1/19/2006 1:47 pm

Excellent post! If only I'd known this during "the Sherrie Situation." Oh well. We live, we learn.


Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?

rm_mu_tiger_ 60M
61 posts
1/19/2006 7:20 pm

What I want on this site is not to be lumped in with "all men" because someone has developed a perception based upon the actions of one man or a few men. I suspect the ladies on this site do not want to be lumped in with "all women" either. Every person is an individual and should treat with kindness and respect.

nightstalker172 36M
1258 posts
1/19/2006 11:46 pm

are you sure you didnt mean love MAKES you mental ...feels that way for me..sigh...cuse the L word I say Curse Love and INSANE are the same thing I say...THE SAME!!!!!

Good post I hope more people learn from it.

elysianpleasure 47M

1/20/2006 3:48 am

Very good entry... we should accept everyone at face value and be up front on who and what we are. I personally love the diversity... even if everyone is not a match for me personally.

I honestly find it is an evolutionary process knowing why we are here. I started in one place when I joined this site... and I am slowly finding what I really want is something else.

rm_corezon 53F
3376 posts
1/20/2006 9:03 am

This is a great post. I've found out in real life the same sort of stuff goes on...most people are terrifically irrational and hypocritical when it comes to sex, love, and dating and that is what so often throws a monkey wrench into real intimacy, which requires a certain amount of honesty and openness instead of the need to hide your real emotions and actions in order to maintain a relationship with someone.

If you can't be honest and open to begin with when will you start?

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
1/20/2006 2:27 pm

muffin, is that what you kids are calling it these days?

Efil, how long have you been here?

Thank you, caress.

Blaze, this site doesn't allow external links anywhere but the share the photo chat room. But yeah, we wouldn't have so many married women looking for variety or a new mate before losing the old one if that wasn't true.

Streak, yeah.

woman, the rumor is, a person knows if they want to sleep with someone within 5 minutes of meeting them. But yeah, what is with all these guys who want to know if they want to marry you within 5 minutes of meeting you? I so don't get that mentality and it's what I've been running into a lot lately. And thank you.

Nick, the "Sherri Situation"? I think once again, I'm missing something. I'm going to have to go way back in your blog, eh?

tiger, this is very true. We're all here for our own reasons. Yet Blaze and I can both tell you, we've encountered many people who get all pissy when you're not looking for exactly what they're looking for.

nightstalker, as you know very well, it can make you mental. But all you can really do is swallow your pride and move on, hopefully as a wiser and stronger person.

elysian, accepting people at face value is what causes a lot of trouble around here. Simply because there are so many with ulterior motives and who aren't upfront. Those are the people I'm addressing here. Sadly, most of the people who need to get real will never read this post.

lifeisablast333 54M

1/20/2006 11:36 pm

Oh hell, please let us not start judging people on how many sex partners they have had. After all sex is the number one indoor sport.
And I just freakin love wild redneck monkey sex with new people, and so does my super sexy wife, The Sex Goddess.....hell every one needs a hobbie, and I just do not see myself collecting stamps, Yawn!!!
The Horny Redneck A.K.A. The Redneck

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11240 posts
1/21/2006 11:11 am

great post MissAnn ....

41yearoldstud 52M

1/21/2006 6:26 pm

I agree with you're original premise that people generally can't spell out what they want. I think a lot of people fear rejection. It's evident foremost in the number of disfunstional relationships and most obvious, the record number of Divorces! I'd rather take a chance and say what I want, than waste everyones time. Like I did for 3 years with my former Fiance, whom I broke up with last October.

I am not looking for a relationship, I just had one - it sucked!
I want great sex and to pleasure the living wits out of women!
That's all, because I have a lot more on my mind than sex and being lonely. Life is awesome, and there's so much to do, and see and so on ...

If you can't say what's on your mind, how do you even know who YOU ARE?

smartmama 58F

1/22/2006 8:48 am

So much in this post.

I think I go through different phases and right now I seem to be shell shocked and tired from meeting too many people and feeling less than lighthearted about the whole thang. You know, being told by some old dude that if I keep, and I paraphrase, "Spreading my legs for every shmoe that passes by, I'll never find what I'm looking for." Which just tells me that the old sexist double standard is alive and well in the corridors of AdultFriendFinder. Fatigue. So I swear off and decide I'll keep my dignity in tact, and then of course, I get lonely. When I first got divorced, six years ago, I put an ad in an offshoot of the Boston Globe personals, online, it was called Erotic Blvd. I posted something like, looking for younger man for straight fucking. I met someone right away and had the best sex of my life, was with him for three years,but not interested in having him as a lifetime partner. Now it seems like some golden period. My mother says I need to lose weight. I am sinking into the self loathing that tells me she's right. I am guilty of being confused. I am angry at the assholes. I am too old for this.

8328 posts
1/23/2006 3:53 am


I agree with the thesis of your statement, being that honesty is the best policy. I think alot of people go in to this "experience" with the wrong idea. If you can't be honest and open about yourself on here then how can you expect to really meet anyone and have any type of substantial relationship (whatever it may be). Taking no for an answer is the thing that probably deters most people from being who they truly are on here. Because of how "real" I am, I'm sure I haven't got the responses that alot of the "generic" profiles have, but I'd rather have people genuinely interested and not just chasing a false hope. I would think that would be the intention of most people on here, but that does not seem to be the case.


"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
1/25/2006 1:05 am

lifeisablast, it happens around here all the time. The drama never ends. And it's normally out of petty jealousy and a bunch of people who might be adults chronologically, but cannot be grown-ups about sex.

Thank you, Goddess.

smartmama, I know exactly what you mean. The ones that send you mail like that are upset that they don't have an ice cube's chance in Hell of getting in your pants, so they're going to try to punish you for not being your type. It goes back to people not being able to be adults about sex. I have to tell you, the early days of this site feel like golden years now.

While there was a lot of dross, it was a lot easier to weed through. The trouble is, there are way too many macho assholes invading these days. Who think women are nothing but holes. And as far as weight goes, I came to grips with mine years ago. Who wants some guy who's so hung up on thin? Fine, you lose weight, find one, then do something like have a baby and gain it all back or your thyroid blows out and you're stuck with a man who would rather die than touch you? I would rather stick to the chubby chasers, as long as they're not feeders too.

Division, I HATE those generic profiles. I especially hate the ones that are generated with the stock lines you can pick and choose when you open a new account now. If I see one more profile with, "I only feel really free when I'm driving in my car" and "I'm not looking to change my life, just make it more interesting," I'm going to scream! I put work into my profile and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be bothered with someone who can't read it and respond to it intelligently. Or someone who is too lazy to write their own.

Sassy, excellent points! You know, I always thought I'd be one of those weird cat ladies. But you know what? I'm to the point where I don't even want to be bothered taking care of a cat. I want to just be able to do my own thing at this point in my life. I'm far from the most secure person in the world, but I'm not nearly as needy or insecure as most women I've met. I don't get the mentality of how a woman can't be whole unless she falls in love, gets married and has children. What sort of anti-diluvian thinking is that, anyway?

redmustang91 57M  
8666 posts
1/27/2006 11:36 am

It is hard for people to be honest when most are confused, most of the time! Clarity is a wonderful thing, but situations change and the possibilities mututate depending on how you interact with your partner!
When I was younger I had more of the insane love fantasy, now I am looking for the fun adventure fantasy! I like Erica Jong's point in "Fear of Flying" about the zipless fuck! It is a mental construct but real life comes with zippers, which sometimes jam or get flesh caught in them.

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