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The Mail Just Keeps Getting Weirder
The Mail Just Keeps Getting Weirder
I found these in my inbox today:
Date: Oct 30, 2005 12:04 PM EST
Subject: Hi from India!
I hope you're gonna be visiting India sometime,
and anytime you feel like you need some company, please hit me up.
hot kisses on your sweet, wet pussy
Ew! Ew! EW! He sent me a picture too. Of his penis. Taken while masturbating to Internet porn! How do I know this? His computer screen was in the pic too!
But it gets better. He replied to my autoreply...
Date: Oct 30, 2005 12:15 PM EST
Subject: reply to Autoreply
since you mentioned 900 numbers, do you think you can give me some nice phone sex numbers, or at least how to get 'em.
there's no phone sex in taliban india!
please help me
Yeah, let me call you in India and have bad phone sex with you. Right. I have nothing better to do with my money.
Need I mention this guy is a virgin? He says in his profile, which truly is a must read, "C'mon, i'm beginning to feel guilty that i'm not pleasing the females of this world with my Godgiven, nice, cute cock.. what if no girl gets to feel this cock of mine ever..?"
Yes, this man is God's gift to women. Either that, or his profile is a complete joke, to see what kind of reactions he gets. But why spend the money on a gold ball if you're just playing a joke?
Then there was this one. I half feel guilty about posting it here. He was trying to be witty, I'm sure. But he's over my age range and in Toronto. Toronto? Did Canada break off the continent last night, placing Toronto off the East Coast of the United States? If so, why didn't anyone tell me?
Date: Oct 29, 2005 1:56 PM EST
Subject: from Master Stroke
Dear Miss Ann Thrope,
We have not met, but I believe that I knew your father and mother, Miss Communication and Mister Point.
I found your profile quite fascinating, although it took some time to read it all, because I had to look up so many words. I read it all without bruising my lips, however, which is considerable progress for me.
Actually, I’m a bit surprised that Miss Ann Thrope would be looking for any contacts at all. I was more surprised that there were 14 “rules” for the so-called ideal person. As I recall, 10 were enough for God, although perhaps Moses just ran out of stone tablets. On the other hand, maybe Pagan Priestesses just have more rules.
I am attaching a photo which was taken about 40 years ago, at which time I still had hair and teeth. I am sending this one because I like it a lot better than any current ones. Of course, 40 years ago, we didn’t have color photography, so if you have the time and the inclination, you can color the eyes crystal blue, the skin fair and the hair silver (not grey, not white, silver). By way of explanation, it is fairly common for people with my ancestry to have that coloring: my many-times-great grandfather was a Viking.
I won't bore you with the rest of the mail. But he went through the list of rules on my profile, point by point and how he fits the bill. OK dude, you're in Toronto. Did you bother to look to see where NJ is on a map before you wrote? Or have you already written to every woman in a 400 mile radius and now it's time to broaden the search to 500? The pic he enclosed? Let's just say if that's 40 years old, I'm scared.
OK, was this answer an attempt at wit? He impressed me as a half-wit. Let's just say I found his email to be beyond lame and the bit about Moses makes me think this is someone who believes in God, according to Jack Chick.
Finally, this was in my inbox. It seems ok, right? Nothing here offensive...
Date: Oct 30, 2005 1:56 PM EST
Hello,I think your rules are right on the money,good job.If you read my profile you will see I am looking for one woman.I like what you wrote and would like to know you better.Rick
OK, except for the fact he doesn't believe in putting spaces inbetween punctuation, which is actually a movement in this country, he doesn't sound bad. OK pic too. But then I read his profile. It was like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde:
Profile for rick8054
I'm your typical down-to-earth man, always treating people with respect and honesty. Hey there! I'm a horny dude. Spare me the philosophy and fuck me silly, already! I'm the type who's prepared to fuck you senseless before we exchange phone numbers. Or names. Sexually, I'm just like Denny's-open for business all night long. I like to take a good looking lady and severely fuck her all night long. Experience-wise, I know what I'm doing, but I'll always take a few pointers. I prefer to not think about tomorrow while I'm fucking you today. For me a perfect Friday night is one that doesn't end until the next day. I've reached the point where things are good, but lacking that vital spark. Time to change that. I look forward to screwing your brains out. I'm not changing my life, I just want to improve it to the tune of one woman. Feel free to drop me a line if you think you match what I've written in my Ideal Person.
I am looking for no games.You know what i am looking for,maybe we will like eachother and grow closer.Let us start with sex first.
um... Right. I actually did write back to this one, telling him not to throw away the patch kit for his blow-up doll just yet, because it's obvious all he wants is a fuck doll who will be at his beck and call and to hell with the woman if she wants to see him.
Did he really think I wouldn't read his profile? Did he really think I would just look at the picture and write back saying, "Not bad, let's fuck!"? Are the new members on this site that clueless?
The mail just keeps getting weirder.
So ladies, any of you want to visit India? We have a 24 year old virgin there who's going to die if he doesn't get laid soon. I'd go, but two things hold me back... I'd be too tempted to tie him to a funeral pyre while still alive and set him afloat down the Ganges. Also, the weather in India isn't my kind of weather. But one of you must be a heat worshipper, right?
10/31/2005 1:52 pm
Too funny! Cannot understand why a self respecting girl would not want to throw down her panties for these three special dudes! They cannot either apparently! Three more reasons I am glad I am a straight male so I don't have to deal with these guys. Maybe the women who are into other women know something....|
11/1/2005 7:01 am
Hmmmm, I can tell now that I have not been putting enough thought into my emails to women. I try to be polite and put a little intelligent thought into my introduction. Time to change strategies.|
When are you coming to Arkansas Miss Ann ??
I am not dead yet
11/3/2005 12:13 pm
red, I'm just a selfish bitch, I guess. But I just can't bring myself to toss off my panties and do these three guys. Yes, it is all about me. BTW, rick wrote back, telling me I have the wrong impression of him and his profile! Yeah, right.|
bardic, I'm so glad you asked! I would be glad to visit Arkansas! But this is my standard offer for travel: I require the person I'm visiting buy me first class round-trip plane tickets on a good airline. I also require being put up, at your expense, a five-star hotel and free reign with room service. Then there is the limo I will require to get me around. Then of course, the various and sundry expenses have to be taken care of. All those little weird touristy spots have to be visited. And of course, after all of this, I am under no obligation to have sex with you. My body, my choice of sex partners. So, when are the tickets arriving?
11/3/2005 6:50 pm
Damn... all the fun us guys are missing. The ladies get all the weird letters.|
11/3/2005 8:31 pm
Please join us Ladies...|
11/4/2005 11:23 am
WOW. LMAO!! What is going on in their heads? I mean the big head on their necks. You ought to copy these over to Rdy2try's blog of inane email. |
By the way, there was some action on the Advice Line concerning our favorite fake profiles from the past. Send me an email and I will tell you about it if you are interested.
Take it EZ.
11/4/2005 8:58 pm
"C'mon, i'm beginning to feel guilty that i'm not pleasing the females of this world with my Godgiven, nice, cute cock"|
I have a nice, cute cock too. Nice bend to the left, Clinton-style! and a cute two inch scar on my nutsack.
Nice, cute cock... WTF? Is his retardedness god-given as well? Or did that come from Shiva?
11/11/2005 2:01 am
Cleavis, you can always do a female profile and see what you get... Get a wig, leave the goatee and claim to work in a carnival sideshow as the bearded lady. I bet you get responses.|
redlips, I'm so confused on whatever that is.
header, I have copied some over to rdy's blog. And of course it's back. I'm going to have to go take a look. You should already have the email.
Voodoo, two inch scar? Got out of the way before her husband managed to castrate you completely, did you?