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X Factor Continued
X Factor Continued
Today I feel like crud and when I got home, as I always do, I popped online to check my e-mail and play online for a little bit. I cringed as I looked at my inbox seeing a message from my ex. I braced myself for the worst possible thinking it would be a raving e-mail calling me every name in the book being a million times more angry because I didn't reply to the last one. It's never happened that way in the past and he has never called me names and even when we've had disagreements we've been fair never slouching down to low blows.
My bracing for a bashing was unfounded.. I felt sad, I felt angry, I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell at God or anyone within earshot. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
He came clean and opened up letting me know that the medications he is on are starting to cause organ damage and failure. He hasn't been feeling well for quite some time and didn't want anyone to know or anyone to see him being weak. As he does with any problem he holds it in first and wants to resolve it on his own because sharing what is going on, opening up, and asking for help make him feel like less of a man. I understand that because I was the same way. I am the guardian, the protector, the one people lean on and run to when times are tough. That is why him and I clicked and got along so well for so long. Showing any sign of weakness is not in our nature. We don't want to have people loose faith in us and believe we cannot fulfill our role so we internalize everything. I learned to let it out after ending up with bleeding ulcers in my early 20's and as the relationship him and I had progressed I got him to open up and it changed so much in his life. Being able to communicate helped him with his family and made his career take off because of one small internal change.
He told me in the e-mail that I hurt him saying what I said and just thinking that I caused him pain is making me tear up as I write this. I hate hurting people no matter what they have done to me, no matter how bad they have treated me or what terrible things they've done to me I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone else. Yes, I jumped to huge comclusions because I have been left with no information for months. I have been shut out and have had to make judgements on what is going on by what I am seeing and have been experiencing because I couldn't get him to talk.
From the e-mail I could tell he wanted to talk so I called him. I could tell he wasn't okay by the tone of his voice when he answered and he perked up when I said, "Hey you, it's me." I apologised and asked how he was and the conversation went from there. I learned that I am the only one who knows and he has not told anyone in his family, not even his own wife. Why me? Why am I the only one to be told of his illness? They are around him way more than I am and should be able to see something is wrong. I knew something is wrong and assumed it was something completely different. If I was there more I'd see it. I would have asked questions and dragged it out of him. What is wrong with her? Why me first? So many questions are swirling in my head, even right now. He kept changing the conversation back to me. Yes, I feel like shit and am getting worse. I struggle to breathe at times and see a specialist next week. Who cares though? He's seriously ill and is dying.
Inside as we talked my head swirled and I was pulled in so many directions. I want to be there for him and I don't want to be there for him. I wanted to hop into my SUV and drive to his work to see him. I wanted to hold him and say it would be okay and I'd be there for anything he needs. Guilt stirred up in me. I wanted to say, "I love you". I was angry too and wanted to ask, "Why are you telling me this? I can't help you, I can't save you... You know I can't be there for you the way I want to be without ruining so much for you."
He brought up being put on a transplant list and like an idiot I said, "If I go I before you I want you to have my liver and anything else you need." He lightened things up by saying, "They haven't figured out what is wrong with you and I don't want your infected organs. You're going to need them more that I do. Liv-er it all in ya!"
I heard someone talking in the background and he said he had to go to a meeting. I wanted to say, "I love you. Talk to you soon." But it came out as, "I miss you." I heard the smile in his voice as he replied, "I miss you too. Talk to you soon."
After we hung up I sat there staring at my wall. What does all of this mean? I'm feeling so many different things right now.
Thinking about what the next few weeks, months, and years may bring if he doesn't get better depresses me. As angry and as hurt as I have been I still care. It upsets me to think of him laying in a hospital bed in pain and dying and having to stay away. I can't visit him. I can't be there to hold his hand, run my fingers through his hair, and talk.. I can't be there like a person would be in a "normal" relationship. All those caring gestures won't be there. The can't be there. I'll be far away wondering what is going on. Is he okay? How is he feeling? Does he feel alone? Is he scared?
This is tearing me apart right now and I am crying as I type this.
3/9/2005 9:07 pm
Mackey... there are so many things going through my mind right now, but most importantly I just want you to know that if I could... if things were different... I'd be right there for you.|
Since I can't though... I just want you to know that I am thinking about you, and want the best for you in everything...
I have so many thoughts and questions about what you wrote... I even have my own opinion, imagine that... but in the end my opinion is only my opinion, and it will be your decision to do what you think is best...
If there is one thing that I have learned so far it is this... "I have to protect myself, I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others"... at times this seems selfish... but in reality it is not... it is good healty living.
The "protector" in me, says... to jump in here and give you all sorts of advice... to offer solutions... to tell you that this man is manipulating you... but I can't do that... I understand how much you care about this man. I understand how you can be tore in two different directions at the same time... knowing that what you want may not be what is best for you... but at the same time, feeling that need or longing to be with that person to the very core of your soul. How do you fight that?
Mackey, you have some very tough choices to yet make ... this man is not out of your life physically or emotionally (by physically, I mean emails... and telephone conversations)
Only you can decide what is best for yourself in the end... no matter what decision you make... try to use your mind and not your emotions, I know that, that is not going to be easy... but your a smart girl... I believe in you.
If I could I would come over and just be there with you for awhile...
Hugs and a listening ear
3/9/2005 9:32 pm
Oh Mackey |
You have brought me to tears reading your post and what you are going through,, first and foremost I HOPE your health is ok and nothing serious.Second,there is nothing anyone can say to change your heart and it is ok to be feeling what you are, we sometimes have to go through pain and heartache to learn, it is all part of living. And think of it this way, you may not beable to be with him physically , but in his heart and thoughts you are there,Chin up and hold on to the good memories. TAKE CARE
3/10/2005 12:02 am
Sounds like you've entered into some strange territory here...don't know what to tell you except that you have to be careful, I mean that I would think eventually his wife and family are gonna find out about his illness and they are going to have to give him support, and you should be very discreet if you do contact him in any way...this could be a very delicate situation here. I know this is just good, common sense, but in emotional times like this, that's when things can really get out of hand...again, be careful.|
3/14/2005 11:57 am
Mackey... have you ever seen the movie, "The Terminal" with Tom Hanks...|
The lady that Tom Hank's character falls in love with... sorta reminds me of you in this situation... how long have you been waiting on your ex-fiance?
I feel like such an idiot pointing this out... especially when I feel hypocritical in doing so.
I couldn't even began to tell you how to move on... to let love die... to not care... but the logical part of my mind says that it would be best for you!
In a couple of months it may even be best for me... I think that when my time comes though, I will know it... I hope it is the same for you... and in fact I have heard you say as much in previous posts!
Stay strong girl... respect yourself... and as you wrote to me...
I don't care if it hurts I'm tired of lies and all these games
I've reached a point in life no longer can I be this way
Don't come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears
I'm moving on yes I'm grooving on
well I'm finally free"
I guess my biggest question/concern is whether or not you can see how unhealthy this relationship is for you?
I hope you can see some sort of caring and concern in this post... and not take it as an attack or as if I am trying to fix you... not trying to do that!
Take care... hugs
3/18/2005 8:32 pm
I know all to well about the heart thing... and not being able to make it stop feeling... |
I honestly believe that's why people consider suicide... they don't want to feel the way they do... but yet can't make the feelings stop.
I am glad that you seem to have a healthy perspective on all of this... just because you feel something doesn't mean that we have to live our life based upon our feelings... talk about a hard thing to actually do though.
You do deserve better than what you have been given so far. I don't know why you say you can't see having a full-time guy as a romantic partner... really I don't understand that at all... is that because of how hectic your life is or because you think it's too late? I sure hope it's because it's because of how hectic your life is... because it's never too late. Heck, the other day in our local newspaper there was an article about two eighty-year old people who met at a nursing home, fell in love, and were getting married. I wish I would have saved the article...
From what I have come to know about you... any man would be lucky to have you even interested in them...
Hope your date goes well this weekend...