|Blogs > Mackey05 > Sex life in Illinois|
"Guy - Speak" Dictionary
"Guy - Speak" Dictionary
I speak English and Spanish but am rapidly loosing my German and Russian as I make room in my brain for one very important language..."Guy-Speak". Other single women know what I am talking about. Men seem to have their own language and to truly understand them we have to listen then carefully watch what they do afterwards. Here are my findings so far.....
"I love you" - I asbolutely love the things you do in bed that rock my world.
"I miss you"- It has been way too long since the last time we hooked up or I got any head from you.
"I love cuddling" or "I want to cuddle"- I know women dig sensitive men and I know if I play that card and lie in wait for at least a half hour I can at least get to 3rd base.
"Women have told me" or "Other women have said"- I think you'll buy into whatever I am about to say if you believe another woman has endorsed it.
"I'll try.."- I don't have the balls to say "no" or "I'm not going to.." so this is my way of saying it so you don't get angry.
"How many men have you slept with?" - I'm wondering how many penises is mine going to be compared to.
"Is / was his bigger than mine?"- You are making me nervous and I really need an ego boost. Please be gentle and say "no".
"I wish you were here."- Both of my hands are tired and I am getting carpal tunnel and tennis elbow so get here quickly because I am horny and am in too much pain to get myself off.
"You are so much ( choose one word; nicer, hotter, smarter, cooler, funnier... ) than my ex" - I'm still not over her and am comparing everything anyone does to what she did because I am looking for an upgrade. If for a
split second you do or say anything that reminds me of her I'm gonna kick you to the curb.
"That was funny" or "That was supposed to be funny" - I thought it was funny and you didn't laugh. What is wrong with you? Please laugh so I don't feel like a dork!
"That looks great on you"- Maybe it does, but really I am thinking about what it looks like off you when you are wearing me.
"I am totally drunk"- I am willing to do those things I never would do before in bed or am going to say some things I mean but wouldn't normally admit to only because later I can save face my bringing up how many beers I had.
"She is so hot."- I wish you looked like that and I am settling for you because I know I don't have a chance with her.
"So... What do your friends look like and when can I meet them?" - You're okay, and I know you've told your friends what a great guy I am and if they are better looking I'm going to dump you and chase them.
"I'll call you" - Don't hold your breath. You are the last thing on my list of priorities right below amputating my own penis.
"Let's be friends"- I am going to try dating other people for awhile, but if I don't get any action from other women I am expecting you to put out next time I call.
"I'm horny" - I'm a man, you have a vagina let's get busy!
"You are always on my mind / I think about you all the time" - It's not you I am thinking about, I get bored at work and think about the sex we've had and fantasize about what dirty things we are going to do the next time
we are together.
* This was all done in jest I'm laughing my ass off as I write this. Feel free to add things or start a "Chick-tionary" because I know so many women out there say one thing and mean something totally different. LOL!
3/6/2005 8:13 pm
geee. it sounds like you might have hit the nail on the head with them. Does this mean you now speak 5 languages?|
keep up the great post. I enjoy reading them.
3/7/2005 10:59 am
"Chick-tionary" Dictionary to understanding what a woman really means…|
Of course this dictionary is not complete… and for that matter because of the nature of a woman… this will become obsolete as soon as it is published… once a woman discovers that you are starting to understand what she means, then the rules will change… and new definitions will be put into place.
Rules to understand the following definitions…
Rule #1: A woman will ask questions not to find out what you really think, but to see how big of hole you can dig for yourself. It is my belief that they do this to prove that you are unfit… and that they should be solely responsible for ruling your life… if not the world.
Rule #2: A woman is not as emotionally vulnerable as you might think… she knows how she feels, she knows how you feel, she knows what she said, she knows what you meant to say… it doesn’t matter that you didn’t say it… because she knows you were thinking it, and she is fully prepared to deal with the truth no matter how wrong you may be.
Rule #3: A woman is always right… no matter if evidence says otherwise. Right is right… and in this case you as a man are always wrong.
Rule #4: Most questions that a woman will ask you are just a trap to prove to her friends that you are a jerk and it is out of the goodness of her heart that she even puts up with you.
With that being said… let’s take a look at some of the phrases and the meanings behind these phrases that a woman may use…
Honey, does this dress make me look fat? Ok… first and foremost… don’t answer this question. Fake a heart-attack or if you are driving down the road when she asks this question, wreck the car… whatever you do, don’t answer this question.
This is a loaded question… if you say, “NO” then you’re a liar… if you say “YES”… no matter if it’s the truth… you are an insensitive jerk. “Why would you say such a thing to me if you loved me?”
If you can not figure a way out of this question… for instance, she grabs the steering wheel to keep you from hitting the telephone pole at 80 mph… then definitely go with “NO”. It is far better to be known as a liar… then to be known as not caring how she feels… in fact some women may even give you bonus points for caring about her feelings… don’t count on that happening though… it is about as likely as finding a hundred dollar bill in you left shoe, the shoe that you took off the night before.
If you did answer “YES”… you big idiot… you big dummy… I feel sorry for you dude. You’re not going to get any tonight… or the rest of the week for that matter.
If you answered “YES” be prepared for the following questions to be thrown at you sometime during your lifetime.
One week later… Do you love me?” Don’t be fooled… she doesn’t need to ask this question… and in fact it doesn’t matter what you say… the answer is “NO” You might as well go ahead and say it because she already knows the answer.
If you say, “YES”… she knows you’re a liar because, “How could you say you love me and tell me that I look fat?” It doesn’t matter that you never told her that she looked fat… you said that the dressed made her look fat… therefore you think she is fat. What kind of jerk, would tell the woman that he loves, that she is fat... dude you are totally screwed…
Three days later… I don’t want to do anything with you tonight, can we just cuddle? This means that… she has been standing in front of the mirror for the past week and a half, analyzing her body for the faintest bulge and imperfection.
Of course being a woman she will find some little flaw to obsess about… “My calves are too thick, my ass is to wide, etc, etc…”
It doesn’t matter that in your mind she is the sex goddess….way out of your league… and that you’re just happy she even remembers your name while you have sex.
“Let’s just cuddle?” means… “I know you think I am fat… you jerk, I know I am fat you don’t have to tell me that… I don’t want to make love to anyone who thinks I am fat… plus I don’t want you to look at me while I am like this… I need to start going to the gym again”
So in your infinite wisdom… you do something right… you say, “Honey, that’s fine… I love you and I don’t mind just holding you tonight.”
OK… buddy boy… you have one opportunity to redeem yourself. Whatever you do… don’t have sex with her after she asks you to cuddle. I don’t care how hot she is, how nice her ass feels through the sheer… silk pajamas that she is wearing… I don’t care if she isn’t wearing a bra… or if when you nuzzle her neck just to show her that you do love her…that she turns in your arms and starts to give you one of the most passionate kisses that you have ever had… don’t do it… resist… it’s a trick. If you fall for one night of passion you may never get any… ever again.
If you do believe that all of a sudden this sex goddess has become incredibly horny… boy your dumb… in your life have you ever met a woman that out of nowhere just jumps your bones? NO, I didn’t think so. This is a trap in the purest form.
If you make love to her… it just proves that you really don’t care about her feelings. After all, she plainly asked you to just cuddle with her. If you do make love to her… you are just proving that you really are your typical male… willing to do anything… even if you think she is fat.
Wait a second, this just in… a new report says that you’re screwed either way… If you push her away and do not follow up on her advances… she will then know the truth. The truth being that you really do think she is fat and you have no desire to make love to her at all.
See I told you… “You should have wrecked the car!”
The next morning she says,…I am going to be going to the gym today… means… “I am tired of you thinking I am fat… while I am at the gym if anyone gives me a compliment about how good I look… your history mister.” At the very best… you might be able to redeem yourself if you tell her, “Baby, you don’t need to go to the gym… your already so hot… your body is smokin”
Of course it probably won’t work as she knows that you are insecure in the relationship… and that if she were to get to the point where she was no longer “fat” that she could have any guy that she wanted… so … she yells at you…
YOU no good jerk, why would you want me to be fat? … at this point there is no hope, it doesn’t matter anymore… you might as well tell her about the time that her best friend came on to you and you kissed her. Of course your best course of action is to run out in the street and lay down in front of the first oncoming semi…. It will be less painful.
There is no way to respond to that last statement with out getting your nuts cut off… if you say, “Honey, I don’t want you to be fat” then you are admitting that she is fat… and if you say, “Honey, I don’t want you to go to the gym because I love you for who you are”… well you get the drift…
Anyway… before it is all over and done with it… you will be sleeping on the couch and then two weeks later you will find out that she is dumping you for her personal trainer at the gym.
So go ahead and save yourself the trouble… when she asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” just shoot yourself… it will be a lot less painful! Better yet… go by yourself a dog… he will always be happy to have you come home, he won’t care if you scratch another dog’s ears, and he won’t mind if you lick your own balls…
Of course the moral of this is… MEN… you know your doomed from the very beginning so you might as well get as much sex out of the relationship as you can. After all you can’t help it that, that dress does make her look fat….
3/7/2005 5:47 pm
Your a very funny girl.......|
and quite acurate even if you jest. Lol
4/17/2005 12:27 pm
1. "We need" I want
2. "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house
3. "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ...
4. "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color
5. "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items
6. "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook?
7. "Does this dress look OK?" I need a new wardrobe
8. "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out?
9. "You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about?
10. "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac
11. "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac
12. "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac
13. "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you sex maniac
14. "Won't you be late for work?" Get away from me, you sex maniac
15. "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today
16. "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer?
17. "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower
18. "You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant
19. "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob
20. "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear
21. "I'm not upset!" Of course I'm upset, you moron
22. "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot
23. "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid
24. "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid
25. "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid
26. "No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!
27. "I'm sorry" You'll be sorry
28. "Do you forgive me?" You'll be sorry
29. "Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry
30. "Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry
31. "Well, I had a headache" You'll be sorry
32. "Do what you want" You'll pay for this later, big time
33. "Do what you think best" You'll pay for this later, big time
34. "You know more about it" You'll pay for this later, big time
35."As I recall, it was your idea" You'll pay for this later, big time
36. "Yes, I've calmed down" You'll pay for this later, big time
37. "I realize it was my fault sweetheart" You ain't seen nothing yet!
38. "It's your decision" The correct decision is obvious
39. "Sure... go ahead" Don't you dare, you clown
40. You like this recipe? It's easy to fix
41. "Do you want to eat out?" I forgot to go grocery shopping
42. "What do you want for dinner?" I don't feel like cooking
43. "You seen that new restaurant?" I don't feel like cooking
44. "It's your Mother's recipe" You'd better damn sight eat that
45. "You liked that the last time" You'd better damn sight eat that
46. "Don't want to talk yet" Go away, I'm building up steam
47. "Just need some time to think" Go away, I'm building up steam
48. "We need to talk" I need to complain
49. "Learn to communicate" Just agree with me
50. "I am not yelling!" This is important, you idiot!
51. "Are you listening to me???" [Too late, you're dead]
52."Our anniversary's coming up" When I think of the guys I could've married
53. "The kids were so bad today" Your gene pool needs more chlorine