"Better to have loved and lost..."  

Luv_2_Touch_U 43M
22 posts
1/2/2006 3:51 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

"Better to have loved and lost..."

"..than to never have loved before?" I hate that little trite comment more than anything else right now.

About a week and a half ago, my girlfriend/best friend ended our relationship, and I've been suffering miserably since that day. I think we've all been there at one point or another in our lives. The pain. Confusion. Anger. Pointless hope. The ghosts. The insomnia. I'm sleepy all the time. Food tastes bland. Nothing I see has a color to it - everything looks grey now.

I hurt so much that I wish my memories of her could be erased. Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind?

I miss her.

Whoever came up with that saying listed above could NEVER have been in love. I just want to grab the author and say "YOU TRY IT!"

Luv_2_Touch_U 43M

1/2/2006 7:01 pm

I've had that connection twice in my life now. I agree with you - it is amazing. But so much is at risk when it's established. So much...too much.

I know my wounds will heal over time as they have in the past, and I know I'll meet someone just as amazing as the person I've just lost. And I know I'll make that "connection" once again. But sometimes you just have to ask yourself, "is it worth it?"

(And thanks for that email. It made me smile! hehehe)

SecretKeeperr 48F
56 posts
1/3/2006 11:06 pm


Two friends of mine, just recently lost their spouses to death. One was taken way too young, he was only 39. The other passed, leaving his bride after 50 years of marriage. Both losses happened within a few week span.

In my desire to support, I was also observing, wondering how does anyone recover such a loss? Listening to them share their thoughts, memories, etc, while surrounded by an abundance of loving support, they did not seem as brokenhearted as I would have imagined. I wonder if it was because there was such an outpouring of love and concern for their well being. There was an amazing amount of warmth, nurturing, graciousness, giving of time, effort, resources, gifts of condolences, and even a trust fund for the younger man's children. These women seemed as if they were still cradled in the arms of the legacy their husband's left them. This seemed comforting, as well as confusing to me.

In pondering my own deep desire for such passionate connection, I too feel the scars which reminds one to guard their heart a little more carefully. Is this good, or does it numb one from ever knowing, the true bliss of spiritual, emotional, and incredible physical connection? I don't know the answer to that question yet. I do know that I still desire for the ideal, but for the pain, I wonder.

A reality struck me as I watched both friends cope with their loss -- They were not rejected. The person they adored and loved did not leave them willingly, but at the end of their time on this Earth. The loss for these women is final, and they were nurtured through the grieving process. However, when one is left, rejected, kept in the balance of wondering, never knowing for sure, drifting into magical thinking, "If only....I had done, said, could do it over again, then maybe?" The truth is, this kind of loss is not swift, nor does it bring the supporters to mourn your loss. Thought the heartache is just as real, and perhaps, due to the "rejection" factor, even more devastating. The death of the relationship is slower, and seems to happen over and over again in our mind, and heart, until eventually, over a greater period of time, it is final and we are free to move on.

In your suffering there is a maddening desire to know why. With death, the answer is easier to accept. When left, controlling the desire pick up the phone, to ask why, becomes an overwhelming obsession? To need more information to help you let go. You cry, but there are no supporters to grieve with you -- at least not as much as you need them to. There is no organized event specifically for the purpose of honoring what that person meant in your life. You look around, and nobody notices the future that you so desired has ended.

A question is asked, while you cope trying to understand who you are without this "other", "So, now what? Nothing is going to change, what do you plan to do?" How does one decide when still in the middle of the emotional train wreck?

My friends who lost their lovers to death, still feel loved by their partners, even in their passing. The months ahead will be harder, of course, change is often difficult. They will be surrounded by loving support, positive memories shared by others. A kind of honoring of the love they chose. They won't have to find reasons to stop loving the one they lost. This, to me, is the most profound difference. When a relationship ends that had the promise of future, the most difficult thing to do, is to learn to stop loving them, find reasons they were a mistake, to help us let go, the hope of future we've invested so much of our heart; so the future can bring us hope of loving this way again -- or just maybe, even better.

It is a paradox, at the very least, to comprehend.

Even in shades of gray, there is an eternal sunshine. With each passing day, weeks, and months ahead, you'll notice the colors regain their vibrancy as the spring of new beginnings washes over you, a new hope.

(Princess Lips)

1/3/2006 11:51 pm

I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel


thickjoeski69 55M

6/14/2007 4:23 pm

The words by SecretKeeperr really are amazing and touch on so many beautiful areas of the human thoughs on this subject.
You can have love for someone who doesn't want to be with you . this comes from a prespective of gratitude. No matter where a realationship ends up ends up or continues towards, you will always gain knowledge from it. You are a changed person from being with this person. you have grown and matured from the experience. be grateful that person has come into your life. when you can think of this you will smile as you remember or gaze into this persons eyes.

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