Something To Offend Everybody.  

LustyTaurus 48M  
12038 posts
2/19/2006 5:01 pm

Last Read:
2/24/2012 5:15 am

Something To Offend Everybody.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Picture----Leaf Blower

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the`biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides


What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.


What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.


What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "AAAAaaaahhhhhh"?

About three inches.

Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

For traction in the mud.


What's the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.


How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.


What is the difference between medium and rare?

Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

They don't have balls to scratch.


A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's licenseand is told he has to take an eye test.
The examiner shows him an eye chart with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."


Inspired in part by saddletrampsk saddletrampskbecause of her wicked sense of humor and being a great friend!

Hope you enjoyed it!!

LustyTaurus


saddletrampsk 54F

2/19/2006 6:08 pm


Awesome jokes sweety..

I am glad I inspire you..you also inspire me with your twisted sense of humour, that's why I keep coming back for more..


rm_PurryKitty2 48M/49F
9753 posts
2/19/2006 6:11 pm

I am laughing but oh my

Purry {=}

Purry


redmustang91 57M  
8559 posts
2/19/2006 6:23 pm

funny stuff.


themisskrissy 56F
2302 posts
2/19/2006 10:07 pm

having seen your handle EVERYWHERE i had to pop in and take a look... hello Lusty!!
i have been out of the loop the past few weeks... i had recent surgery and this post is too funny... it hurts my tummy!!!
i will see you around!!
a BC Taurus...

Virtue Alone Ennobles


rm_sexxielynn 52F
72 posts
2/20/2006 10:06 am


Most of those had me busting a gut, some had me groaning, only one made me go EEEWWWW
Thanks for the laugh


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/20/2006 3:47 pm

Thanks Saddle


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/20/2006 3:48 pm

I know Purry, I actually deleted a couple and thenput them back in...lol...thanks for your visit.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/20/2006 3:54 pm

Redmustang...glad you liked...stop by again.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/20/2006 3:58 pm

    Quoting themisskrissy:
    having seen your handle EVERYWHERE i had to pop in and take a look... hello Lusty!!
    i have been out of the loop the past few weeks... i had recent surgery and this post is too funny... it hurts my tummy!!!
    i will see you around!!
    a BC Taurus...
amisskrissy...you are welcome here anytime. I hope your surgury went well, and I'm glad you liked the post.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/20/2006 3:59 pm

    Quoting rm_sexxielynn:

    Most of those had me busting a gut, some had me groaning, only one made me go EEEWWWW
    Thanks for the laugh
Sexxielynn...you are most welcome, and like I said to Purry, a couple of those almost got deleted, then I figured what the hell...lol

Thank you for your visit and come back soon!


kelly402005 52F

2/21/2006 5:43 am

You know, most of these are funny,,,,
but in all actuality, very true!!!!


Good one! Loved it!


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/21/2006 3:14 pm

    Quoting kelly402005:
    You know, most of these are funny,,,,
    but in all actuality, very true!!!!


    Good one! Loved it!
Thanks Kelly...yep I thought there was at least a little truth in lots of those jokes...if they weren't at least a little true, they wouldn't be funny...lol


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/21/2006 3:15 pm

Hey Sweet...


Kaliedascope61 41M
4084 posts
2/21/2006 9:32 pm

I am so offended!


TzarsAmuseChant 41M
2854 posts
2/22/2006 5:55 am

HILARIOUS! I had heard a few of these, but I added a bunch more to my memory banks. These will come in handy!


ohsodelicious 57F
1922 posts
2/22/2006 6:07 am

Oh! Damn, I about fell out of my seat...that was a blast to read, very humorous...I hope you don't mind if I am a frequent visitor!

Kisses...OhSo{=}


LustGoddess2469 49F  
2453 posts
2/22/2006 8:51 am

Oh, you are SO going to PC jail. LMAO Very funny - thanks for sharing 'em.

Lusty


rm_SultryVirgo 48F
567 posts
2/22/2006 10:22 am

I suspected that you were nuts, this just confirms it. However I have a question if one is not offended by any of these what the hell does it mean? (that would be the zen question of the day!)

Sultry


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/22/2006 6:20 pm

Kalied..LMAO..don't be going creating a position at the sign company now.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/22/2006 6:22 pm

    Quoting TzarsAmuseChant:
    HILARIOUS! I had heard a few of these, but I added a bunch more to my memory banks. These will come in handy!
Citizen...glad you liked it, I enjoyed puttin it together.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/22/2006 6:25 pm

    Quoting ohsodelicious:
    Oh! Damn, I about fell out of my seat...that was a blast to read, very humorous...I hope you don't mind if I am a frequent visitor!

    Kisses...OhSo{=}
ohso...you are welcome here anytime. and glad you liked!


Viggo57 59M

2/26/2006 7:25 am

Great stuff!!! Terrific post!!!

Thanks for the visit the other day!


GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
2/26/2006 8:03 am

ty 4 a much needed laugh ....


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/26/2006 9:27 am

    Quoting Viggo57:
    Great stuff!!! Terrific post!!!

    Thanks for the visit the other day!
Viggo...thanx for stopping by, glad you enjoyed the jokes!!

There are so few of us backwoodsbloggers here in Saskatchewan, I want to encourage you to stick around.


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
2/26/2006 9:29 am

You are very welcome Goddess...


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
3/5/2006 3:51 pm

    Quoting rm_SultryVirgo:
    I suspected that you were nuts, this just confirms it. However I have a question if one is not offended by any of these what the hell does it mean? (that would be the zen question of the day!)

    Sultry
Sultry...don't know how I missed you in here...lol

About your question....SCARYYY if at least one of the above doesn't annoy you a little...lol


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
3/5/2006 3:55 pm

    Quoting LustGoddess2469:
    Oh, you are SO going to PC jail. LMAO Very funny - thanks for sharing 'em.

    Lusty
Lusty...what a great name...lol...you are welcome!!


RevJoseyWales 69M/66F
14393 posts
5/4/2006 3:17 pm

As usual LT, funny as hell. A geat way to start my weekend, especially afeter I got shorted. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."


LustyTaurus replies on 5/4/2006 4:59 pm:
lolol...I thought you might like it...

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