HAPPY ANNIVERSARY???  

LustyTaurus 48M  
12038 posts
4/28/2006 6:34 pm

Last Read:
1/7/2011 7:38 pm

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY???

About ten years ago, I was near the end of my first marriage. We were heavily involved in a church and we had both been raised in conservative families.

We were seeing a marriage counselor and we were both well intentioned... but miserable. We hardly talked and our sex life was almost non-existent, but the church and our family both taught us that divorce was not an option.

I went to bed one night with my wife (this would be the last night that would happen) and curled up to spoon her with my hand on her breast like I had done nearly every night for 8 years from the time we were 19 yrs old.

This time, she pulled my hand off her breast and threw my arm off her completely and said..."I don't want you anymore"

I'm not sure exactly what snapped in my brain...but in that instant I did not want to live anymore...I was completely overwhelmed by an indescribable sense of guilt, failure and depression. So I left the house and headed for the nearest place I knew I could die...the railway bridge over the river about 20 blocks from where I lived.

I didn't die that night and in fact I do not know what exactly happened after I reached the middle of that bridge. My next memory is in the bus station of a city ten hours away, where I understood where I was and why, but not how I got there.

As it turns out there were relatives there whom I did end up getting in touch with and their first call was to my parents. My wife had called my family, as I had left a note about my desire not to live with the shame and guilt I felt. Slowly over the next weeks I started the process of facing my personal demons, my family and church friends and the rebuilding. The one factor that motivated the recovery was a little 2 year old boy, my first and only child.

I take significant personal time on the anniversary of that day every year to reflect on where I’ve come from, and to deepen the understanding that I now have. Of course I still get angry or sad or depressed or have my feelings hurt...but they are my feelings and I will feel them, and understand them, and deal with them, and move on.

My value as a person and having a life worth living will never again be based on the values and opinions of other people.

I hope you, my blogging family, have found this interesting, and if you’re going through a bad spell maybe this will help.

Take good care and thanks for listening.


LUSTYTAURUS


RevJoseyWales 69M/66F
14393 posts
4/28/2006 7:35 pm

Damn Bro. Heavy shit for a Friday nite. That's what friends do. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."


LustyTaurus replies on 4/28/2006 9:29 pm:
Well, if you think about it, my last post was heavy shit for a thursday morning..LOL

rm_gerson42 52M
2419 posts
4/28/2006 7:35 pm

I have a feeling that a few men in addition to myself will identify at least partly with your story. Sometimes, being a man isn't all it's cracked up to be. There are sometimes tremendous outside pressures with no relief valve to be found. Thanks Lusty.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/28/2006 9:30 pm:
That is exactly what I found at the time...it may be somewhat better now in some places, but I suspect still not great.

RevJoseyWales 69M/66F
14393 posts
4/28/2006 9:48 pm

yeah, but I lost last nite, so didn't see it till Fri nite. You know, the day after the night before thing.

Hey you wanna claim the troll before somebody plays "whack a mole" with him? He IS from BC. I USED to want to visit there. Is he typical? Are you SURE Canadians don't fuck their uncles? OMFG, I just figured it out. You know how they always accuse our hillbillies of fucking sheep? Your trash fucks MOOSE!!! Sounds like you're feeling better. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."


LustyTaurus replies on 4/28/2006 9:56 pm:
actually...I feel great, and this post was nothing more than a history lesson on LT...and maybe let some folks know who need it that they are not alone.

As far as dingle-nuts from BC...no he is in no way typical...but it seems that if you want to find a whack-job like him a good place to start would be Vancouver...probably lower East side..LOLOL

Cowboy_Deluxe 38M

4/28/2006 9:55 pm

Hey we only get life once, I hope ya make it worth once. No more bridges for you.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:23 am:
No worries Cowboy...the next time I walk to middle of a bridge in the middle of the night...I'll have a lovely lady with me to fuck while we're there...LOL

rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
4/28/2006 10:42 pm

I can identify, even though I am not in a bad place in my life. I do understand the guilt, and shame. but that you know from being a regular to my blog. I have always known I was not the only person with those feelings, but it does seem more men do have those feelings. I think it is b/c our feelings of failure, for we are supposed to be strong at all times, never knowing what our weaknesses are. Thank you for sharing this, it makes you seem more human, and now I feel we are brothers in arms.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:25 am:
I know you've gone through some stuff cru...yep, Brothers in Arms

RevJoseyWales 69M/66F
14393 posts
4/28/2006 11:13 pm

It's cool, we were just concerned. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:25 am:
Thanks, its real good to have friends that care

rm_yukonpaul 51M
1120 posts
4/29/2006 1:58 am

Thank you for sharing.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:25 am:
Hey Yukon...you're welcome

happyladychat 47F
3740 posts
4/29/2006 2:36 am

No worries, my heart goes out for 10-years-ago LustyTaurus. I'm glad he survived to tell us his story. THANKS!

*HUG*

Make it your challenge.... turn me ON!!


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:27 am:
I'm glad too..it would be tough to type this blog with ten years of rigamortis...LMAO

catseyes23 61F

4/29/2006 2:37 am

I have been heartbroken and I'm sure that many people in this world have and still are were you once were.

"My value as a person and having a life worth living will never again be based on the values and opinions of other people."


I have learned through life's eperiences that if you respect yourself for what you are as a person, then it does not matter what others think. In fact, I don't give a damn. It is after all, your life to live. Not theirs.

Thanks for sharing, Lusty.


Cats...


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:28 am:
hey Cats, I like to share tidbits once in a while...especially when I believe it may help soem other folks

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
4/29/2006 5:07 am

Great post Lusty! And look how far you've come since then. I think sometimes marriage is hard....and we say things to one another that we shouldn't. But the guilt we feel when we feel like we are "not enough" or not "good enough" is tremendous. I, for one, am very glad you did not end your life that night on the bridge. And I am sure that you posting this story will help many others...even if they never comment to that fact. Have a great weekend.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:29 am:
Thanks Angel...hope you have a wondeful weekend also

smoothnjuicy4u 50F

4/29/2006 8:45 am

Thanks for sharing.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:32 am:
My pleasure smooth..

meerkittykat 42F

4/29/2006 8:49 am

Lusty--
I think we've all been there to a certain degree. Mine came a little over three years ago-January 3rd, 2003--as I was driving through a rainy Los Angeles day. I had other plans, but thankfully now, found myself safe and in New York 3 days later.

I, for one, and glad you're still with us. Everyone brings a unique color to the world, and I'd notice if yours wasn't here in blogland.

Cheers....meer


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:33 am:
Thanks meer ( you see that? MEER)...thanks for sharing also...

rm_DarknStar 54F
2823 posts
4/29/2006 9:47 am

THX for sharing!

Have a good weekend!


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 10:34 am:
Hey Dark...have a great weekend also and you're welcome.

Whispersoftly5 52F
15176 posts
4/29/2006 11:13 am

Incredible post. Thank you for sharing.

Whisper... {=}


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 1:58 pm:
Thanks Whisper, and you're welcome

meerkittykat 42F

4/29/2006 11:19 am

Yes, ty Lusty...you know how demanding we girls get o...lol


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 1:58 pm:
hahaha...

saddletrampsk 54F

4/29/2006 12:06 pm

Lusty
I have been where you have..found myself miles from home crying so hard I was vomiting until I could feel no emotions anymore..once you hit the bottom..the only way to go is up..I think those kind of experiences make you strong and now no one can hurt my feelings unless I give them permission..Once you live for yourself and your values you loose alot of stress in your life..Maybe its all about self-love(not masturbation either..lol)..loving yourself unconditionally makes you a stronger person..Cheers Bud and back to the garden I go


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 1:59 pm:
Thanks Saddle...happy gardening!

themisskrissy 56F
2302 posts
4/29/2006 12:14 pm

i don't remember the date i was done living.. i had it all figured out tho.. 1997 anyhow
a phone call from tony (my blogs of late talk about tony and his car accident) changed my direction that day.. he needed me.. and that was probably the ONLY thing that could have pulled me back at that point of my life..
thank you for sharing that with us lusty..

big hugs, busty


Virtue Alone Ennobles


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 2:00 pm:
You're welcome krissy, and I'm glad you stuck around.

catseyes23 61F

4/29/2006 12:32 pm

    Quoting catseyes23:
    I have been heartbroken and I'm sure that many people in this world have and still are were you once were.

    "My value as a person and having a life worth living will never again be based on the values and opinions of other people."

    I have learned through life's eperiences that if you respect yourself for what you are as a person, then it does not matter what others think. In fact, I don't give a damn. It is after all, your life to live. Not theirs.

    Thanks for sharing, Lusty.

    Cats...
I have beeen there in many ways, Lusty. If it pleases you read this from my blog; [post 328350]

Cats...


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 2:01 pm:
Thanks Cats...I read your post there and thanks for sharing that.

imLadyBambi 58M/50F

4/29/2006 1:39 pm

I hope you know that as alway's, Mr.Bambi and I are alway's here and if you need someone to talk to we're here.

Lady Bambi


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 4:35 pm:
yeah I know I could do that Bambi...dido for you too OK?

multitasksextoy 58M  
3511 posts
4/29/2006 2:59 pm

Had those same feelings,but learned that if I can't love myself how can I expect anyone else too.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 4:36 pm:
It can be a tough lesson to learn rawhide

MWWwantsmore 51F

4/29/2006 7:00 pm

So is it easier being told that or living with them not knowing and suffering? Some people stay in marriages because they dont want to hurt the other by telling them they are not happy. But sometimes that makes things worse!


LustyTaurus replies on 4/29/2006 7:29 pm:
As it relates to this post it was best that it ended...and I certainly don't have any ill will towards my ex-wife, in fact we are friends now. The issue was us both trying to live up to other's expectations and not disappoint them. As far as the hear and now, I would agree with you but when do you draw the line? When you are %80 happy? %70?...maybe when your "Ben Franklin Test" has more cons than pros on it I guess.

SxyCrazyCool 38F

4/29/2006 8:32 pm

Once I met a man who claimed his daughter was the only reason he was still alive and looking into my eyes that day..
Tears were flowing down my face when I was talking to him. How sad it is when a person gives up all hope in life and lets the value of his life depend on that of another..

I hope by now you have gained the strength and self-value to cherish and love your life just only because of yourself and the love you have for you.. Because you are worthy of your own life with or without the love of another..

~*xXx*~
~♥sXy♥~


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 7:25 am:
that is exactly where I've come to SxyCrazzy...thankyou and those are wise words

tillerbabe 55F

4/29/2006 9:37 pm

Thanks for sharing with us! Glad you're here! (just not two of you!!!) LOL! Really tho' I am glad that you "made it through" and discovered in the darkness that we all must live "within" for gratification and not expect it from "without"!


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 7:27 am:
Thanks Tiller......I've been doing a lot of reading on BIODUPLICATION since I read that post of yours...who knows?...LOL

SacredStarDance

4/29/2006 11:32 pm

Thank you for sharing...
It takes a hunk of man admit when your lost.. cause you all don't ask for directions.. but damn, when you do ask.. all of a sudden new roads, new bridges that connect to soooo many cool places with one scenic veiw.

You have just built new roads and bridges for many with this blog.. feel good.. real good .

I'm glad your blogging

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 7:29 am:
Thanks for your kind words MRSMUFF...I hope that at least one person who needed to reads this post...that may be all it takes to get them on a positive road.

kelly402005 52F

4/29/2006 11:34 pm

Man....... "life is what is dealt, we do accordingly".......
"Every action ....... etc." " We do what we have to"..... To deal with, "This Life", the best way we know how....... Period.

Take care,
kel

Vent........ i do


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 7:30 am:
lol...thanks Kel...I do a lot of ventingg in this place....

GoddessOfTheDawn 105F
11238 posts
4/30/2006 12:14 am


tyvm for sharing this ....

~nodz~ in agreement wiv tillz


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 7:31 am:
You are welcome Goddess...

pleasureyourclit 66M
836 posts
4/30/2006 7:58 am

There is life after the big D but it does take time.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 12:53 pm:
It sure does...thanks for the visit and your thoughts

ArgosPlumyKooky 45F
3902 posts
4/30/2006 8:06 am

oh yes i can relate to that


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 12:54 pm:

BeMyBadBoy514 30F
18 posts
4/30/2006 10:40 am

It will be the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt on May 30th. I am so glad that I'm not the only one who is open about it. You post gave me lost of hope that one day I too will have spent 10 years without doing... such things.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 12:55 pm:
Just take it one day at a time hun...and don't let anyone elses values determine who you are or the value that you have.

HOTNBOTHERED0414 46F

4/30/2006 12:07 pm

I feel ya darlin. This being my second marriage, I totally understand. A nervous break down and a hosptial(not a nut hospital) stay later, and I am the beaming person you now see, thanks to my EX.


LustyTaurus replies on 4/30/2006 12:56 pm:
All my Ex's taught me something HNB...and they aren't all bad people either

HBowt2 58F

5/1/2006 3:52 pm

i'm glad you didn't do it and are here with us lusty.....


LustyTaurus replies on 5/1/2006 7:56 pm:
Me too also HB!!...thanks so much.

looknfrsexchat 46M/F

5/8/2006 12:44 am

Lusty
I just wanted to say this is the first night that i have ever read a blog.I was surprised to read something that seemed to describe how i have been feeling recently.I have been living my life for others for all of my life so far and felt the same hopelessness that you described so i totally get it. THanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It has helped me validate mine a little more. I was even more suprised to hear it from a man.(sorry past experiences have left me a little jaded)Dont ever stop loving yourself and know that we are all here for a poupose. Thanks again for sharing a little bit of your heart. Laura
And by the way you have beautiful eyes.


LustyTaurus replies on 5/8/2006 4:37 am:
thankyou and you're welcome.

redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

5/13/2006 2:59 am

*hugs*

everyone needs someone to be able to call...or count on... for support

TTFN


LustyTaurus replies on 5/13/2006 12:42 pm:
it is usually available...but sometimes it isn't easy to reach out..thanks redlips.

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
5/13/2006 7:28 pm

Wow, you've got some serious balls this week with all these soul bearing posts. Good for you.

I bet you anything about 90% of the people on these blogs have suffered from depression at one point or another, medicated or not. Your honest account of your "rock bottom" was a sobering example of of what men really go through. I can't imagine what that must have been like, but I'm glad you managed to come out the other side of it...

Obviously a stronger person.

A


LustyTaurus replies on 5/13/2006 10:23 pm:
Thank you...the reality is none of it matters anymore...I'm just hoping it will help someone else, give some hope that there is light in the future if their present isn't so good.

rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
9/10/2007 9:30 am

it is a bottom like no other....

sending you love, always, my Taurian friend...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


LustyTaurus replies on 10/6/2007 11:43 pm:
thank you Goddess...I'll never be tired of your special support...

redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

9/11/2007 8:01 am

that which doesn't kill us...

TTFN


LustyTaurus replies on 10/6/2007 11:44 pm:
Yes indeed...

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