What goes when you can't stay hard?  

LustyLady2003 60F
26 posts
10/2/2005 2:48 pm

Last Read:
10/12/2009 7:03 pm

What goes when you can't stay hard?

I don't know who will read this, or if any dialogs might ensue, and maybe I'm just venting. Whatever...

Every guy everywhere has to have had an episode where he couldn't stay hard when he wanted to, on demand or in a time-constrained situation. But I want to know what guys think is the normal reaction to this. I have deduced that the reaction is often unspoken embarrassment followed by a quick exit. Then silence. Of course, for a gal, who is already sure that she is the cause of the failure, the rejection faction is huge, even when, intellectually, she may know otherwise. And one never knows what the thought process was: could you have done something differently? is time passing the only cure? How can you learn or change if you don't know cause and effect?

Any thoughts?

rm_Sierra7770 86M
4 posts
10/3/2005 9:10 pm


Just ran accross your blog, and chose it at random....but,
It brought to mind an episode many years ago...
I was in that situation, not time constrained but from emotional strain, with a "first time" lady..
She was very, very smart, much younger than me and just got me to slow down, and reminded me that..."there were more than one way to make love to her."
And it worked!!!!!

Good Luck,
visit my blog

LustyLady2003 60F
14 posts
10/5/2005 11:35 am

Thanks for your input. But I tried that. It was YOU who accepted the possibility and relaxed, and that speaks volumes about you. How did she get you to slow down???

rm_kix411 49M

10/9/2005 6:51 pm

I’m not sure what causes this other then to much alcohol. I guess a few causes could be stress, an over anxious desire to perform, nervousness and the over whelming fear of getting caught when your in a not so private place and the gal your with is not your spouse. If you slow down and play or find a place that has a less chance of getting caught then things should work themselves out. As for it being the girl’s cause or her failure I don’t see that happening. let me know what you think.

Player_4_U 55M

10/14/2005 7:53 pm

There is a huge psychological component in my opinion to the situation you are describing. Whether it is a setting where the man is older than the woman, and he feels pressured to "perform", or the woman is older than the man, and he feels "intimidated" by an older and more sexually experienced partner, or a situation of infidelity where the man is nervous about the consequences. Did you know that 50% of men over the age of 40 have episodes of impotence, and that percentage increases with every year. Men that have had impotence need extra stimulation, need to be in a relaxed setting, and need to not worry about what might happen. I'm sure the woman feels it is her "fault". I don't think that is true at all. If a man is attracted to a lady and has committed to a sexual experience, believe me, he wants to fuck your brains out. Impotence is not the woman's fault, and sometimes I don't think there is an explanation for why it happens. I'm 43 now, and believe me, my cock isn't nearly as hard as when I was 33...but I still love sex and know how to please a lover. You obviously had a incident...but don't take it personal...it happens.

rm_Sledhead70 46M
1 post
1/29/2006 11:24 pm

Well Lusty as for me the one that it happened to me was very very imbarrasing. I know that it was from to much alcohol, but even sober it stayed with me. I had to work it out in my head to be able to perform with this person again. It did take alittle while to get over it in my head even though I knew it was from the alcohol.

passionate14u37 48

2/10/2006 11:35 am

I think that you have know what's going on with your partner to know the cause. The only time this has happened to me is after 2+ climaxes and I just needed a break. That's when I usually just start playing with my lady to make her feel good until I recooperate and am ready to perfom again. It gives me time to make my lover know how sexy she is and what that is doing for me. Hope that helps some...take care!

litemyfire81 35M

2/10/2006 1:37 pm

After reading all the comments posted I would have to say that all all right in their assesments. Being "turned off" by the women whom you are with at the time is rarely a cause for ED. In fact it is quite the opposite. There is such a thing as being overly sexually stimulated. There's a myriad of reasons why ED happens. Pressure toperform is the most common reason. And that is just unwanted stress put upon yourself. The body has no way of discerning the difference between stress and stimulation. For both male and female bodies to react to stimulus at their prime level they have to be in a relaxed state. This is why foreplay is so important to getting a woman ready to have sex. And it is very important for the penis to be able to work properly. I've heard of men who have had an ongoing problem with ED who even after having feelings of being horny as hell still couldn't get it up. The reaction by most men is shame, anyone who has had this problem can attest to. I myself felt that I wasn't man enough when it happened to me. The woman I was with felt she wasn't attractive enough to turn me on. But if this happens to you just remember there are plenty of other ways to make your woman happy. Just use your imagination. And maybe after a while of stimulating your partner your penis might get hard again. Just remember that a man is still a man even if he has trouble getting an erection.

LustyLady2003 60F
14 posts
2/12/2006 7:28 am

Thanks for your input, and a lot of it makes good sense. I agree you have to know what's going on in your partner's head, but "shame" doesn't communicate very well, and may not be amenable to turning attention to the woman to try a different avenue. It still seems that I will be helpless to change the situation if it happens again, and it will all be in the hands of my lover (so to speak).

MrMom2day 56M
3 posts
5/17/2006 1:34 pm

I think the key word here is excitement, both physically and mentally. I dare say that 100% of relatively healthy males have no problem arousing themselves to masturbate and eventually satisfying themselves. They are completely in control of their own thoughts and physically know just what to do and when to do it. My guess is that most guys only masturbate once, to satisfy their physical need for a release, then go on with their day. Some may even be "sporting" and desire, just for fun, to do it again later.

Now introduce a woman into the equation, and his thought process can become scrambled. Are they having sex or making love? How many times does he think he is expected to perform? Once, twice, more? Age and physical condition are big factors physically; and mentally, all kinds of thoughts will enter his mind.


The former being more of a "taking" experience (pleasing oneself, but still congnizant of her pleasure), while the latter is more "giving" (with an emphasis on her pleasure). I think, in either case, the "first time around" shouldn't be any problem for any relatively healthy guy. If it is, he is either "fucked out" physically and needs a day or two off, or needs to see a doctor. His mental and physical state is almost like it is when he is masturbating. The second, or subsequent "times around", age, physical condition and recent activity all begin to play a more important role in performance.

When making love and therefore shifting "priorities" from oneself to ones partner, all these factors come into play as well as performance anxieties ... is SHE being pleased? am I doing what SHE wants? His arousal, to an extent, is dependent on hers. Absent any oral feedback (words or noises), or other indicators like a flushed face/chest, etc, performance anxiety starts to creep into his thought process. All guys with half a brain really want to please the woman they are with, otherwise they know their chances of being invited back are greatly diminished.

This may sound trite, but communication is really important, in both directions; but, especially from the woman to the man (from the male perspective). Men are NOT mind readers, not all woman enjoy the same thing. When we are "off base", tell us where the base is ... a little coaching will go a long way. No one has ever sat on the pole at the Indy 500 without many, many laps around the track. Very few have ever shot a hole in one without without hours of swing instruction and hitting 1000s of balls on the practice range.

LustyLady, one last thought just occured to me, is it possible that in the situation you described, the guy prematurally ejaculated and was trying to cover it?

rm_guestofyours 48M

6/1/2006 1:01 pm

It sounds to me that you are looking for a solution that "you" can accomplish..If that is the case, and traditional ways are not working. Try a Pump, have one handy....if he is in your bed you should have some open communication, introduce it as a fantasy of yours to help him get out of his head....but it is something that "you" can do to get him hard.

rm_fnlvn1on1 44M

8/4/2006 9:35 pm

    Quoting LustyLady2003:
    Thanks for your input, and a lot of it makes good sense. I agree you have to know what's going on in your partner's head, but "shame" doesn't communicate very well, and may not be amenable to turning attention to the woman to try a different avenue. It still seems that I will be helpless to change the situation if it happens again, and it will all be in the hands of my lover (so to speak).
High Lusty,

After reading your post and looking back on my own previous experiances, with said problem. I think MrMom2day, is hitting it right on the head, so to speak. Stress in the bedroom, (or where ever you may be enjoying sexual freedom) can cause alot of issues with a mans performance. Be it, lack of self confidence, self centeredness, or even physical fatigue, most men are very embarased about losing an erection, and encouragement from the woman goes a very long way toward overcoming what ever is causing this disfunction. Also if the man is truly into your satisfaction, even if he does experiance a loss of erection, he will still have an internal need to make sure you are satified. If he doesn't, rest assured he was only there to satify himself.

wantinmore83616 48M

10/12/2006 1:01 am

I think it's headed down the right path with all the stress of making sure they perform. As I'm married and thought since my wife wouldn't put out and am rarely able to get any satisfaction on a regular basis that I'd just find someone to "HAVE SEX" with but after about a half a dozen times with various women and being unable to perform I found something in my mind told me even though I wasn't getting any at home that I wouldn't perform to anything besides myself or the wife without being completely relaxed and sexually turned on. I have found that if I totally relax and let everything go with some good activity from a nice lady that everything works well but I have to have some chemestry.

rm_monoymono12 50M
1 post
1/8/2007 5:31 pm


I've never had this problem.
Sounds like it's a pretty common thing though.
Fortunately Viagra and Cialis were invented.

Troywants2know 46M
1 post
6/10/2007 10:26 am

Just a quick note on your question. I believe that the problem lies with the man solely. On first time meetings or events that don't preclude a long term sentence of communication a man has only so much time to make an impression on a woman. And that carries alot of pressure. Women have the need to be desired and men have the need to be appreciated... basically in the full sense of the world. In quick encounters, some men just finich to quickly!!! Then they are embarassed and totally turn the problem into one that makes them feel inadequate, hence unappreciated. It is definitelly not the womans, fault, nor the guys for that matter. Guys internalize most things and this just complicates the issue and prolongs the ability to perform again. It is a terrible thing because this incident hurts both the sexes, it makes a woman feel undesirable and the man unable to feel appreciated. Communication and reassurance on both parts is the only way I know how to get around this.

rm_kautious_guy 57M
1 post
1/12/2008 8:20 am

Communication, communication, communication ... remember, men are more visual, women more tactile ... men are so used to pleasing themselves, that if the scenario isnt visually/mentally stimulating, it will seldomly match the experience as can be created in the mind. Most men also dont have the slightest idea what a woman needs to take her to the next level, whether it be that gentlest of caressing in just that special way, or whispered words at a special moment ... not to mention how to be 'touched' to make the meeting memorable. Dont be afraid to guide each other, with the gentle, sincere encouragement ... take the time to make the setting, appearance a comfortable one for each other ... at the same time, take the time, make the effort to know your partner ... inside and out. Keep expectations to a minimum until you are sure you have met someone that is willing to take them to the next level. Encourage, admire, and most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate ... BTW, great question, and as a man, I thank you for asking ... it goes to show that you are certainly a special gal, and it is appreciated.

rm_cwbynhipy 48M
1 post
3/27/2008 9:29 pm

STRESS !!!! Trying to keep the one we are with satisfied or trying to out perform ourselves. Trying too hard can make oneself a failer. Work has nothing too do with it either. (sarcasm). Can you believe that? Sometimes we just get overwhelmed in life and want nothing more than just a release and we can't perform like we can at other times. Obstacles in life have a lot to do with it.

2hammerdown 55M  
2 posts
7/27/2008 10:33 pm

A guy having to pound on his prick to offset his wifes neglect is likely to become desensitized. Toss in stress and fatigue, and you have a mixture for failure. I presume most men, at least those who stand on their own, would communicate to the woman she has little to do with the limp situation at hand.
As men are visually responsive, attraction is a must. A woman, especially a very seductive, erotic princess with a soft voice, warm hands and classy lingerie can put the spell of calm on the man and change the present moment to pre-empted foreplay.
My focus is always on the woman and her pleasure first. We all know that if we please her, we will ultimately be pleased as well. The distraction a man experiences as he makes a woman cum, can often be enough to offset those evil gremlins chaining his prick to the floor.
Never loose sight of pleasing her. If all else fails, mutually masturbate, and then get with it....

4UMellow 72M  
1 post
10/18/2008 10:29 am

Oh Hell, it has happened and sometimes for no known reason. For a woman like you, there is no cause to feel responsible. However, there is chemestry, and sometimes the "turn on" is not there.
There is always Viagra.

FlierMoireProof 31M
37 posts
12/16/2008 10:43 pm

hi maam how are you there are certain things that could make that happen only one that i can think of is stress if i would of known there were older ladies that likes younger men i would of got on here while i was in hailey yesterday

VarixUnionReach 60M  
55 posts
7/8/2009 10:01 am

it usually happens on the first visit with a lady. usuall because i'm nervous. if a ladt keeps working with me i work through it

LustyLady2003 60F
14 posts
10/12/2009 7:03 pm

Haven't been on here for a while, but I was re-reading the comments and I appreciate the different ideas about "cause and effect." The guys think it's their problem and the gals thinks it's them. Typical, eh? I certainly agree that if the attraction is there, then a limp dick is just another challenge and opportunity. It also seems like those who responded on this blog would be less likely to simply call everything off and disappear. Thanks for the input!


11/7/2009 8:03 am

Thats an easy one.What the man needs to do is go down on you and start pleasing you after you say stop because you cant stand the orgasums anymore you wont beleave who has stood up to join the party.its my nature to see the lady getting off witch makes me want to let her get off on my now gorge cock!So if your looking for a pro and think you can hang on long enough let me know Im close and you wont be sorry!

2 posts
11/15/2009 10:04 am

It must be something going on inside the guy's head. Alot of stray thoughts can have that effect. It is too bad that it makes you feel the way you do. Do not take it personally.

Handydude1967 49M

6/2/2010 5:38 pm

I have noticed that because of the nature of this site, the meetings it tends to encourage are a bit more high pressure than your average dating situation. The expectation to perform well with someone whom you are not yet comfortable with can create a problem with arousal, while with a select few it creates even more excitement.

Perhaps the problem is that adrenaline junkies are few and far between...

lets721 36M

10/12/2011 3:19 pm

i can always get hard i dont always stay that way but i just need restimulated and then i can do that over and over. i like to use a dildo on her and then it comes back. i also like to cum before penetration then with a little work i can go muchmuch longer. i may not stay hard at first but once im ready again it can go on for ever or almost

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