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Sexual Issues in the modern World (Part three)
Sexual Issues in the modern World (Part three)
Sex in Today’s World
In today’s society many people seem to want to sleep around and party. They party either by means of going out to bars and such, or they house orgies and general group bangs. People are totally unaware of what these activities risk; it is a horrible role model for the youth of this world. A couple of weeks ago I saw a segment on 60 minutes (I think) about swingers. The couple they interviewed clearly said that they were not comfortable with their children knowing about their lifestyle. I must say, it is truly sad when someone does something that they feel too nervous to reveal, especially to their own children. If the life-style were so wonderful then you would “think” they would want to share it and maybe hope the people they share it with (young or old) would try it as well. It is for this stupidity that I am clarifying some sexual issues regarding virginity and first time sexual encounters in general…
For starters I am going to say that most modern sex therapists do not glorify female virgins anymore, however they do not insult them either. The primary reason is because men are naturally more aggressive both sexually and non-sexually. Back in the 1950’s the Kinsey institute shocked the world by proving nearly all people masturbated or engaged in some type of pre-marital sex. They also revealed that nearly 23% of women and 55% of men cheated on their partners. Recent results today have (on several occasions) shown that women commit adultery “considerably more often” then men. To second it, in general most people laugh or insult virgins, for this reason Dr. Ruth has given this advice; “If virginity is the biggest problem then I suggest a little white lie. Tell your friends that you are no longer a virgin as this will eventually shut them up.”
Because of the fact that men are more “naturally” aggressive… Dr. Ruth has this to say in regards to virginity… “In this day and age of rampant diseases, I try and believe women would be smart and jump at the opportunity of having a virgin as a husband.” It is not that men are better then women, again it is just that men are normally more aggressive about such things. Therefore when a male remains a virgin it is normally glorified and honored by adults but still bashed by sexually active people.
Many sexually active people steer away from virgins because they fear they will be bad in the bedroom. This is very much true, but we all learn in time, therefore any man or women who rejects another for being a virgin reveals the fact that all they want is a good hard fuck (one-night stand).
“A virgin has the advantage of a clean slate. A virgin usually has no extra baggage caused by bad experiences. And a virgin has not developed a set of sexual habits yet. For the inexperienced, everything is possible.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
The more people you have sex with the more likely you are to compare each sexual experience to a previous one. You subconsciously seek an equal to a previously wonderful experience and then often begin to not enjoy sex as much.
“Try as hard as you can to not give into the urge to compare partners. No two people are alike, so sex with each new person will be different. You have to help each new partner become the best lover he or she can possibly be.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
Many people think that sex is ok anytime you are actually in a relationship. As I have stated numerous times… this can result in some serious baggage and thus possibly cause serious hardships and stress for all future relationships both sexually and none sexually.
“Another stumbling block to having sex with a new partner can be the negative baggage that you may bring with you. If you are coming out of a rotten relationship, especially one in which you were abused in some way, then you will be gun-shy; that reaction is only normal.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
Being gun-shy can result in less sexual pleasure or it can result in being over anxious and then pre-maturely ejaculate the first few times you have sex.
I have always mentioned that people seem to forgive and forget far to often. I believe that you should forgive but “never” forget. If you forget then what is to stop whatever it is that happened from happening again?
“Hopefully, during your past relationships, you at least discovered how your body responds, and that piece of information is very important. Don’t be shy about telling (teaching) your partner what pleases you.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
I have noticed that many people who have sex with random people are very clueless about what really pleases them. They spend so much time fucking random people that they never take the time to learn what truly pushes them over the edge. Masturbation is good for self-exploration but most people again tend to seek sex instead because it involves being with another person. This is also funny because a lot of sexually experienced people again shy away from virgins. As I quoted above though, virgins are the best at being taught without fear of baggage. They do what they know, and if you happen to be all they actually know then that will result in them only focusing on what it is that you specifically want.
Well that is enough of a lecture for now… I have proven my point with direct quotes from one of the most highly respected and admired sex therapists in the world. Her credentials mean more then anything else possibly could. Now on to the advice for you virgins that are out there…
“When experiencing sexual union for the first time, the passion of the male is intense and his time short, but in subsequent unions on the same night, it becomes the reverse. With the female it is the contrary, for during the first time her passion is weak and her time long, but on subsequent occasions on the same night, her passion is intense and her time short.” ‒ The Kama Sutra
“Your first time may not be your greatest experience from purely a sexual point of view. Most women do not have an orgasm their first time. And for very many men, the first time is over so quickly that they are not even sure that it really happened at all.
Why wait? You certainly do not want to become one with a promiscuous person or a prostitute!
Just cause you may not have a great orgasm during your first sexual session does not mean you can not still have a wonderful time.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
Women: The two greatest challenges that you are going to face when having sex for the first time is… 1) Your hymen being broken, and 2) the possibility of vaginismus.
Your hymen is a thin layer of skin that covers the opening of the vagina. A lot of women today do not still have a intact hymen because some people are born without it, some doctors intentionally break it during exams, and various recreations can cause stress to that area and thus break it. If it is still in tact then you will most likely experience some discomfort when it happens and maybe some pain. That pain or discomfort may leave rather quickly or it may last for the entire time the man is penetrating you.
Vaginismus is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles that prevents penetration or causes intercourse to be painful. Being nervous normally causes this and effects mostly only virgins or women who have had bad sexual/emotional experiences such as being physically or sexually abused in some way. In some cases that I have read they have found that a woman can subconsciously tighten up to the point that her vagina can not be penetrated at all. In other cases they found that if she is tight and still penetrated it could actually do more physical damage then actually being sexually abused/assaulted. This is dangerous though because you are obviously not being abused and yet can experience something worse then actual abuse.
“If she is a young girl, he should first put his hands on her breasts, which she will probably cover with her own hands, and under her armpits and on her neck.” ‒ The Kama Sutra
The key to having a fun and enjoyable first time for you women is relaxation. Above you will notice that the 4,000 year old quote is talking about a man pleasing her externally before internally. It is making direct reference to what many of us know as “erogenous zones” and the fact that they need to be toyed with before progressing far sexually. Many men do not take the time to do this and rush straight for your vagina, make sure you stop them from doing this as it can ruin the entire experience. Even if a man does not love you he should still care about you, if he cares about you then he should already know these things. Never give yourself to a unloving or uncaring man, that is exactly what they want and often times exactly what they get because they will tell you anything you want them to in order to feel your tight vagina. A lot of college guys literally make it a sport and competition to see who can have sex and or play the most virgins.
“Man and women, being of the same nature, feel the same kind of pleasure, and therefore a man must first sexually arouse a woman by ardent love play, and then vigorously commence his sex act, so that she reaches the climax earlier or simultaneously with him.” ‒ The Kama Sutra
Here you can see again the mention of erogenous zones and the fact men should be taking their time with a woman and not just rushing to her vagina. I am once again amazed because the man who wrote this was centuries ahead of his time and is apparently even still centuries ahead of out time. This ancient writing is apparently something that more men need to read and study, as it will teach them how to actually please and treat a woman in general. I mention this because you may worry about his sensitivity to your needs. I would buy him a copy or two of some sex manuals and have him study them so he knows how to please you in all senses and not just with his penis.
Men: The greatest problem you will face is pre-mature ejaculation or early ejaculation in general. Being a virgin myself I can not describe what a vagina feels like, but many sex therapists and people in general claim the heat difference is what causes the early ejaculation. Not only will you be anxious about finally getting your penis wet, but also you will be anxious at just being close to a woman in general.
There are numerous techniques taught to help stop pre-mature ejaculation. I am however; not going to mention them as in this kind of instance the early ejaculation is not considered the same as what would be a regular early ejaculation.
“A man will face many hidden traps during his first time having sex; for the vast majority of men, even if they do have problems, they will overcome them eventually.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
Whatever you do, do not fuck for your first time. If you know you are going to be having sex that day for the first time then take the time to masturbate before the encounter. This will lower the chance for pre-mature ejaculation because our bodies normally take longer to ejaculate with each time. If a woman is skilled then she will probably manually or orally make you ejaculate before you slide your penis inside of her because as I said, it will reduce the problem at hand.
Once you are inside of her, focus on her body and not her vagina. I am sure you and even myself would have the urge to want to hammer away at her because of the new pleasure and excitement. The less you focus on that sensation though the better! A experienced woman would probably take control and use female dominant positions so that she can control the penetration and remove this stress from you until you have gotten use to the new sensation (or so you would think).
Take the time to study some sex manuals! This really applies to older virgins; you need to know at least a little bit about what you are doing. I have heard some horror stories about male virgins literally just laying in bed and not doing anything at all!
You can never get your first time back! I have met hundreds of women online and in real life that they literally regret whom it was that they lost their virginity with. Often times they do not regret it until they have finally met someone in which they care about. When young they think they are in love, but once they finally experience actual “real” love they wish they could undo the past. Once you do something, you can not take it back! This is not a computer where you can just click a button and remove a mistake!
Make sure that when the subject of your virginity comes up you are open and honest. You do not have to be public about it, but never lie to someone with whom you are hoping to be close with. Some people remain virgins for religious reasons, some just moral reasons, and so on and so on.
I myself have remained a virgin strictly because of the risk of pregnancy. It is bad enough that I may get a woman pregnant, but seeing as I do not believe in abortion I do not want to take the risk of a woman getting pregnant and then doing something about it that I do not believe in. Just because I am mature enough to handle a child does not mean that she might be the same. Until I meet a woman who is actually mature enough to discuss and handle these possible issues then I will not even consider having any kind of sexual activity with them. A lot of people think that just because they are mature means they can have sex, well you may be mature… that however, does not mean that the person with whom you are having sex with is also a mature person. “Any fool can fuck or have sex, but only a truly secure man or woman can really make love.”
In regards to you wondering why so many people sleep around… it is because of the thrill factor. They are adrenaline and action junkies… do you not believe me? Well here is another quote…
“As much sexual experience as you may have, a certain tension always arises when you have sex with a new partner for the first time. Some people get practically addicted to that tension, which is the reason that they keep jumping from bed to bed.” ‒ Dr. Ruth
You can have sex with as many people as you desire, just make sure you are doing it for known reasons. I personally do not care if I marry a virgin or not. She could have sex with 1,000 different men for all I care; all I care is that she has actually been learning from her sexual experiences. If I know she has had sex with a lot of guys and yet does not have the same kind of knowledge that I do then I would not only not sleep with her, but I would literally not even associate with her. How many people you have sex with is not the dangerous part, it is why you are having sex with so many people that can be dangerous. If it is out of the thrill then that clearly tells me it is very possible that they have allowed certain situations that protection was not used or that kind of thing in general.
Anyway… I hope this is helpful to some people and hopefully some people are intellectual enough to understand where I am coming from and what I am making as a point.
4/8/2005 5:01 am
I have respect for a lot of swingers honestly. They are much more open and honest then a lot of single young people are. Yes there are risks, but to be honest I would love having a wife that could handle be and another guy having sex with her. I doubt I will find such a woman though, it is not something I want to do often... maybe 3/4 times a year just to get some nice added excitement. I trust that kind of activity more then I do random sexual encounters with singles. Married people have more to worry about because they normally have a family to look after and thus are not as likely to take such a stupid risk as most young people. |
My direction is more towards younger immature people. I have posted a couple of articles that actually praised swinging very much and I put out a few ideas that it could result in new forms of female orgasms that doctors have not researched yet.
4/7/2005 8:15 pm
Thank you for taking the time to post thoughtful blogs. By the way, I am an INFP (sometime INTP ‒ I’m borderline on the T/F). My wife and I are among the people you mention who like to party. Not excessively, but most weekends we engage in some sort of erotic play. Just to provide a bit of context: We don’t drink a lot ‒ just socially on weekends (I’ve never had a hangover, for example). We don’t do drugs any more (sampled lots of stuff a couple of decades ago, but never enough to get addicted). But we are swingers, and we are open to polyamory.|
>People are totally unaware of what these activities risk…
I get the impression you don’t know much about swinging. Obviously there are some risks, and obviously some people are careless, but overall the risks from reasonably safe-sex swinging are minimal, and are not out of line with the dangers of most other forms of recreation (far, far, safer than, say, hang gliding or downhill skiing).
> it is a horrible role model for the youth of this world.
Why? Monogamous people don’t often have children in the room when they are having sex, so for the most part their sex lives don’t have much direct impact on children. The same can be said for swingers. The fact that mom and dad have lots of close friends and enjoy an active social life shouldn’t provide a bad role model. And if a child does learn about non-monogamous lifestyles, why should this be especially bad? After view 1000 violent deaths per month on TV and video games, their tender young minds would be corrupted to discover that adults enjoy a variety of erotic pleasures?
Now of course you can find examples of selfish people in any community, but from my experiences with swingers (I personally know hundreds of swingers) the vast majority of swingers are deeply concerned with pleasing others. A great deal of the joy of sex is bringing pleasure to another person. I think most of the social reaction against swinging stems from the spiritually poisonous traditions that equate sex with sin, dirt, shame, embarrassment, and evil. Many people assume (without any real clue as to how they came upon this assumption) that sex is really about greedy, obsessive pleasure. Maybe for some people this is true, but for most swingers this is utter nonsense. Most swingers have little motivation to be greedy or obsessive. For them sex is no longer some sort of shameful forbidden fruit. Rather, it is a more wholly integrated part of their social lives.
On a purely personal note, I love women. My best friends tend to be women. I see no reason why arbitrary social standards should determine the level of intimacy I can have with my female friends. Each relationship is unique, and nothing is gained (but much can be lost) by placing abstract standards on what form each relationship should take. Far better to let each relationship find its own natural level of intimacy. This might or might not involve various levels of erotic play, but this is for me and my friends / lovers / playmates to figure out for ourselves as we see fit ‒ not for society (or preachers of assorted social philosophies) to prescribe for us on the basis of misguided beliefs and cultural traditions that were, for the most part, developed over millenniums of misogynous, oppressive human history.
> The couple they interviewed clearly said that they were not comfortable with their children knowing about their lifestyle.
Most of this hesitancy comes from living in an erotically oppressive culture that does its best to heap shame and social stigma upon anyone who strays from the socially-sanctioned standards of heterosexual monogamy. It is society that is emotionally immature and spiritually corrupt ‒ not swingers, but when you are a member of an oppressed class, it is difficult to find and maintain the strength necessary to stand up and swim against the current. As a society we pay lip-service to the notions of individual liberty and diverse spiritual paths, but in reality our social goal is utter conformity. People living in alternative lifestyles experience this reality full force. There is simply nothing wrong with loving more than one person. Non-monogamy is a perfectly fine and wonderful path for many people, but standing up and following this path under the glare of a disapproving public is difficult to say the least.
4/7/2005 8:28 am
Sorry I wrote this a little faster then I should have. I noticed I forgot some other aspects and advice for beginers. Ohh well.... I will have to note them and address them later. This seems to be a large issue today, I am sure it will come up a lot.|