Acting like a Gentleman (3rd Edition)  

LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
3114 posts
7/27/2005 5:34 pm

Last Read:
1/10/2009 4:08 pm

Acting like a Gentleman (3rd Edition)


I have made several additions to this and still have many more to make as well as a few to subtract. If you feel I should elaborate more on something or slightly alter something then please feel free to let me know.

Acting like a gentlemen

“It has been my observation that the surest way to guarantee a man’s ability to turn on a woman and drive her mad with desire is through good old-fashioned courting.” - Lou Paget

“The man who is ingenious and wise, who is accompanied by a friend, and who knows the intentions of others, as also the proper time and place for doing everything, can win over very easily, even a woman who is very hard to posses.” - Kama Sutra

“Honor is not in the weapon, it’s in the man.” ‒ Highlander Endgame


In today’s times many cultures are mixed, this seems to have resulted in some very good effects and has also resulted in some very negative effects. One of these negative effects has come to the manners in which many men use when in the presence of both other men and woman. It would appear that men have lost sight of why manners are important during their younger and middle years. Not only have they lost sight of these very valuable things but even the ones who do use them often currently only direct them at someone that they are romantically or hoping that they might become romantically involved with. Manners are about respect and not about getting the opportunity to score (have sex) with someone. To put it bluntly, you should treat all people (especially women) with respect at all times and not just when you desire to have sex.

We all obviously get raised with some kind of belief system. As we get older we often find a new belief system to follow or end up learning to strengthen the one that we had been raised to believe in. I personally believe in humanity and do not rely on biblical theories; the bible does have a great deal to do with humanity though interestingly enough. Let’s face it, there are certain ways that you do treat people and there are of course certain ways that you do not treat people. Always treat others as you yourself wish to be treated. When it comes to women, they should in fact be treated even better then you want to be treated yourself. So let me ask you gentlemen… if you were a woman, how would you desire to be treated? How you treat a woman can not only effect her opinion of you; it can in turn end up effecting her opinion of men in general over the course of time. There are some women who are initially bi-sexual and end up becoming totally gay due to the constant mistreatment they receive from men. I know that that probably sounds ridiculous or impossible to many of you men, but I personally know several women that this has happened with. As just a general example you must look at what most women say in regards to men in general and this is, “all men are pigs.” Obviously women have some very good reasons for why they eventually came to think like this.

There are a lot of men who think that they are the ones who court the woman. When in fact it is actually the woman who courts the man! A man can not get anywhere with a woman unless she allows it to happen. You can buy her a drink, but she has the choice to accept it or reject it. You can send her flowers, but she can turn away the delivery if she so chooses. If you lean in to kiss her then she can either lean in as well, thus accepting it or she can lean away and reject it. It really is more her choice then it is a man’s choice. The best way to get a woman to not reject you is by being polite, and by being polite you must have and show proper manners and respect towards her and everyone else. How ones friends and family feel about you will often have a very significant impact on how a specific woman feels about you.

Maintain good table manners: It does not matter if you are within your own home, or out in public, there are certain things that are okay and then there are certain things that are not okay. Sitting at home in private with the family, out in public with the family, perhaps out on a date, at work, or even just hanging out with friends… there are certain ways in which one should behave. I could sit here and say that you should never have your elbows on the table and that you should always place a napkin in your lap. I am however not going to lecture on these particular things because they are a matter of personal taste. I am going to say however that one should not engage in yelling or raising their voice to frequently. Saying, “excuse me” after passing gas is a very big courtesy issue. It is considerably more appropriate to actually leave the table to do these things, but if by accident you do pass gas then you should apologize for it. I know that it is already embarrassing enough to disrupt the meal as is, but it is even more disruptive to not offer an apology after interrupting the meal. Be mindful of your language in general, you are obviously not the only person there and one should make sure that your language would not offend the others. I would not suggest foul language at all even if your party does not mind it, however that is obviously your judgement call and not mine.

Stand when a woman enters or leaves a room: It is always important to acknowledge a woman’s presence when she is around. Coming or going, women deserve your attention at all times. If you are a fellow man that loves women in general then I am sure you know what I mean.

Kneel to kiss a woman’s hand when meeting for the first time: The Hollywood movie Hidalgo comes to mind in regards to this action. During one of the earlier scenes of the movie a woman offers her hand to Frank T. Hopkins (Viggo Mortensen). He does not know what to do with it and therefore he just shakes her hand.

Had he been more observant then he would have realized what it was she was looking for. When a woman offers her hand for a handshake it is often with the thumb up. When a woman is offering her hand to be kissed it is often with the palm and fingers down.

If a woman offers her hand to you in such a way then it would be proper to clasp the tips of her fingers into one of your hands and then kneel down on one knee. You should raise her hand to your lips slowly and gently; anotherwards do not suddenly tug or yank on her hand. Make sure that when you kiss the “back” of her hand that you do so with your lips and don’t try licking or slobbering all over her hand. This is not meant to be an arousing or sexual act in general; it is simply recognition of her beauty.

In most cases a man will not have the opportunity to perform an act such as this. Many people do not shake hands when meeting and even fewer women offer their hand for a man to kiss when they first meet. A man can not simply grab a woman’s hand and kiss it. If a woman desires to make contact or to have her hand kissed then she will offer it to him. While I believe in this act, many women no longer do.

Carry items for her: This appears to be another thing that is no longer very common in modern society. Perhaps women see it as a control issue, kind of like saying that they are not strong enough to carry something. It should give the message that as a man you do not believe a woman should have to carry “to many” items at once. Try to focus this on certain situations such as, helping with groceries, luggage, shopping bags, etc. If you see a woman carrying more then her arms seem to desire to contain then relieve that burden from her. While offering to carry something for a woman when she has a bag or a book in her hand seems nice, you have to remember that it really isn’t making the same impact as it would if she were to have a stack or books or a handful of bags.

Open the door for her: Back in history it was common for men to have women lead the way due to the possibility of attack or ambush. I find this absolutely horrifying that any man would value his life over that of a woman. Things are no longer as brutal as they once were; obviously there is not a fear of attack or ambush in our day to day lives anymore. Opening the doors for a woman is yet another one of those things that some women today take great offense to because it could once again possibly mean that a man is trying to say the woman is weak. I do not do this because I think women are weak, I just do not think a woman should have to be burdened with such minor things. Try and avoid smart comments when doing this for a woman, just hold the door for her and give a little nod if you feel it appropriate. Saying “after you ma’am” is something that could seem sweet or possibly offensive, try to avoid it unless you know that particular woman well. Saying, “ladies first” is probably yet another phrase that could possibly be offensive to a woman that you do not know. I would stick to a nod or nothing at all until you know your audience.

Pull out the chair for her: Women should again not have to be burdened with such petty things. It shows your loyalty and keeps it in her mind that you know she is present. Never allow a woman to begin to think that you are not thinking of her, we all know where such thoughts can lead. No point in wandering down a path that I am sure many of you men have wandered before, as the old saying goes “flattery will get you everywhere.”

Maintain eye contact: It is proper respect to look a person (male or female) in the eyes when you are speaking to them. Most men normally allow their eyes to dart around her body and pay close attention to a woman’s breasts or legs. It is of course human nature to have both that attraction and that reaction. However, a man needs to do his best to pay attention to what a woman is saying to him. More importantly, a woman needs to know that he is in fact paying attention to her. Keeping your eyes in contact with hers will show that you are in fact listening even if you are not necessarily talking a lot.

Watch your alcohol: Many people enjoy a drink now and again, some doctors even say a shot a day is actually good for you. Us men tend to be a little heavier in the drinking department. This needs to be monitored by you because it presents a negative image of you to your partner and any possible future partner(s) that sees you that way. Remember that there is a time and a place for everything, drinking all the time is not going to show you in good manner(s), your actions will slip, your words can slip, and the list goes on about possible issues it can cause. I am not saying to stop drinking, just limit how much. A lot of guys seem to find it nice to go home and pop open a beer before doing anything else! The first thing you should always do is acknowledge your wife or girlfriend and then your children (if you have them). Remember to put them first! While I am not a religious man, I do like what the Holy Bible teaches in regards to alcohol. Alcohol is more then welcome to be used but it should not be used in an abusive manner. A man or woman should stop himself or herself before they reach a point of being totally drunk.

Watch the language: I do not like these words in person or even just casually mentioning them here, but words like these… pussy, cunt, bitch, slut, whore, dike, and the list goes on (you have the idea). These words are not okay to be using, some women might like hearing them when in certain moods, but the majority of them will not and until you know that you should not even think them let alone say them! Never use them around anyone not even other guys! Doing so could make you accidentally slip some time when you are around a woman. There is a time and a place for everything, this however is one that really does not normally have a time or place.

Hygiene: Many of us try to say that appearances do not matter, the actual truth of the matter is though that they matter a great deal. As guys we tend to slack on a lot of things that women do not and hygiene is most certainly one of them! Here is a simple list of some things to consider…

Facial Hair: Depending on where you live you may tend to want a winter beard or goatee. Make sure you keep this trimmed up! You may want to buy a set of shavers or clippers and every couple of weeks cut a little off it to keep the edges softer. Using shampoo or conditioner is a nice thing as well because it keeps it soft. There is nothing worse then prickling someone when you are close to him or her in a passionate way, you also do not want to tickle them. A woman suddenly laughing when you are kissing her might toss a crossed signal now wouldn’t it? If you want to stay clean cut then I would recommend keeping it that way all the time. Not doing so will get your face rough like sandpaper in-between days and that is far worse then a prickly beard or goatee.

Clothing: You need to make sure that your clothes are always clean! I know some guys who do not wash their clothes very often and others who do not change their underwear on a daily basis. This does not look good and it most certainly does not smell good. You also want to make sure you have clothing for different occasions, you may not like going to dressy places but it never hurts to have at least one set of nice clothes for a special event or date. If you are with a woman who knows you hate dressing up… she will be very impressed if she suddenly sees you dressed up! That is a clear signal that you obviously mean business!

The bedroom: Keep your bedroom clean at all times, especially if you are a guy who dates often. No woman wants to sleep on dirty sheets especially if they are dirty from another woman! Imagine how much of a turn-off it would be for a woman to see stains from another women or stains from you while you finished with another woman. Not all women are going to expect that you are a virgin, or a modest person in general, but at least let them have the opportunity for that dream!

Your home: Keep your place clean whether it is an apartment, or a house. Make sure the floors are clean and the dishes are clean. I know some guys who hate doing the dishes so much that they will eat from a can… I find this very disturbing! Dirty dishes and dirty floors cause odors, and odors are something that you do not want! Lighting a scented candle or incense once and awhile won’t kill you, actually it will help even if you happen to be a really clean person. Not only does the way you physically look set an example to a woman of who you are, but your home is also something that sets an example of what kind of a man you really are.

Request, don’t demand: It is not respectful to demand anything of anyone. We are all entitled to the right of making our own choices in life. It is perfectly fine to ask another for something when it is needed. When doing so, a man should mind his manners though. By requesting something politely opposed to demanding it, the person is going to be more than likely willing to oblige. If you are rude and aggressive, they will most likely return it back at you or just walk away altogether.

Be faithful to your partners, your friends, your family, and yourself: In today’s society sex is seen as a recreational sport. People tend to sleep with numerous partners and do so even when they are in a relationship with another person. Often times today you will only find religious people as the most faithful within society. The reason these religious people are faithful is because they believe in god and thus follow the words of the bible (the words and teachings of god). We must look at the definition of cheating in order to discuss this in detail.

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines cheating in the following ways. 1) To deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud. 2) To influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice. 3) To elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting. 4) To be sexually unfaithful. Being unfaithful is described as 1) not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty and 2) not faithful to marriage vows.

To put it simply, cheating is an act of cowardice. An act of cowardice is defined as a lack of courage or resolution. People who cheat do not have the courage to sit down with their partners and try to find new ways to improve their relationship. They do not have the courage to actually look someone in the eyes when they speak to them. The end result being that they not only run from relationships, but they probably run from anyone that poses a potential threat or even just a mild challenge. Men who act this way are undeniable cowards and should not ever be even jokingly referred to as a man and most certainly not a knight. Nor should a woman who acts in such a manner be even jokingly referred to as a woman.

The easiest way to deal with both of these situations is to live by two simple rules. If you are in a relationship and doing something that you do not feel that you can do in front of your partner then you are doing something that is cheating. As well as you should treat others how you yourself desire to be treated. A question that you should ask yourself is how would you feel if you were the one being cheated on? These rules may sound harsh but if you believe them and truly live by them then you will never become a cheat.

There are some people who are what many would refer to as “swingers.” Swingers are often couples that have an open sexual relationship and thus will engage in sexual activities with other men, women, or couples. If the swinging couples agree upon this then I do not see anything wrong with it. Remember that this means you should both know what the other person is doing. If you engage in activities without the knowledge and consent of your partner then you are once again cheating.

Friends should be handled in an identical manner as someone you are romantically or sexually involved with. While you are not in a committed sexual relationship, you are still in fact in a relationship. A man should never lie to one of his friends. They should never talk about their friends behind their backs. They should treat their friend(s) in the same manner in which they themselves desire to be treated. Failure to comply with these very simple rules means that you are not a trustworthy friend.

Family is to be treated in the same guidelines as the above mentioned. Friends should not be considered expendable or replaceable, however in a realistic sense; friends are in fact replaceable but not expendable. Family is not like this; family is not replaceable at all. Your family should come first in your life if you are single and second in your life when you are married. Realistically family is still always first even when married because you are just slightly diverting your attention to your new family as well as still maintaining your birth family.

If a man can not be faithful to himself, then he will never be able to be truly dedicated and faithful to another. If there is one important lesson in life that many of us learn the hard way, it is that we need to stay true to our hearts. By not following our dreams and desires it will more often then not result in a serious mid-life crisis. It is important to treat others with respect and you should treat yourself with that same level of respect. A lot of men see their bodies as a playground that can be used in any way that they see fit. I will remind you that we only have one chance (body) in life and once it is gone, we no longer exist.

Listen: When someone is speaking to you then turn to them and make eye contact. Do not just nod along or say “okay” a few times, as this is very annoying. If you really do not want to talk right then, then make sure to politely tell them that. You should also make sure that you make a mental note though and find them later to have the conversation that they were trying to have with you.

Not only is listening to another when they are speaking a matter of respect, but how you return the conversation is also going to show your level of respect and maturity. Never use your fists as a resolution to a problem. If you are in a heated conversation and need time to breathe then express that to the person in which you are speaking to. If they are as well mannered as you they will then give you some space so that you may cool down.

Communication is the foundation for everything! It is essential that you discuss your feelings with anyone you are close to. People can not possibly know how you feel if you do not specifically tell them how you feel. Be mindful not to hurt the person in which you are dealing with, and do not allow them to hurt you. With time and practice, you will learn that virtually any problem can be solved if you are able to talk about it together.

No means NO: If someone asks you not to do something or to stop doing something after you have started then you need to be respectful and follow their wishes. As people we often get carried away in the moment and thus allow ourselves to do things that we would not normally actually want to do. Because of this it is very possible that we may begin something and then suddenly realize it is not right and then want to remove ourselves from that situation.

While this can apply to many different things in life, it has a much bigger result in regards to relationships between men and women. A lot of men hound women to perform various acts (sexual and even non-sexual). More often then not a woman is not going to feel comfortable with what is being asked of her. With persistent and smooth talking men, often times the woman will do, as the man desires despite her ill feelings about it. At some point in time she is going to wake up (maybe during or maybe afterwards) and want the activities to stop. I know a lot of men who complain about this and I have to wonder why it is they are complaining? The truth is that in this kind of situation, the women did not even want to start and due to the man being a smooth talker, he then convinced her to do that in which she had no real desire to do. Considering she originally told the man no then that man and men in general have no right to get upset when she gets up and walks away or just asks the man to leave.

If you are a man that does not want to be in this kind of situation then do not allow yourself to be in it. Before you attempt something you should discuss it with the person or people that are involved. Since you are actually a legal adult I would suggest that you actually act like one. If you are a real man and truly love those around you then you would never want to do anything that might make them uneasy. Talk to them and make sure that they give their opinion and then you give yours. In the end, both sides should be respected and no pressure or smooth talking should be used. What is better… a woman truly giving herself to you, or her giving herself to you only because she has no other choice?

Control of emotions: There is such a thing as being a wimp and there is also such a thing as being too manly. Crying is a perfect example, many guys think it is wimpy if they end up crying at any point in time. Guys, it is not about crying instead, it is about knowing when and why to cry. Showing that you have emotion does not make you less of a man; it makes you more of a man. Most certainly do not walk around with tears in your eyes all the time. However, shedding a tear while watching a romantic movie or anything like that is not always a bad thing. Most women know guys try and be all tough and macho and know that sometimes it is all just a stupid act. While women love a man to be there for them, they also sometimes like being there for you as it makes them feel a new kind of “being needed”.

As I mentioned with the alcohol bit, you need to make sure you are being fair with your partner. A lot of guys tune people out when sporting events are on or even just when friends are around. Never ignore someone especially someone you care about! If you do not want to be interrupted then perhaps you should see if she would like to have one of her friends over or perhaps leave for the afternoon and do some shopping or whatever she likes to do). The basic point being that you both matter equally, make sure you do not make your partner think that you don’t care about their needs and desires. If you do this then you won’t need to have as good of listening skills because obviously she is going to be happier and therefore not bugging you or nagging at you about these kinds of things.

rm_quixotic97 47F
1 post
11/26/2005 11:39 am

If you only hear from people who agree with you then you are not engaged in conversation, merely mutual admiration. I feel compelled to disagree. I, women in general, are not pretty things to be put on a shelf or a pedastal. Investigate further the source of many courtesies men gave to women and many more will show you similar degradation to let them go first to be killed. Knowledge of history is valuable, but do not romantacise the past. Let me open my own door, I have earned the right. I am an equal, a partner, a participant, a soldier...not a little lamb or a shrinking violet. Don't look at me so I think you are listening, listen...know when your partner needs a reassuring touch and when to stand down.


rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
9/5/2005 10:13 am

oh yes indeed many do live in a fantasy world online Loyalty. But those same folks generally don't have a very realistic "real" life either. At least that's been my experience since I entered this online world nearly 3 years ago. The folks who are most real online are also the ones who have an interesting real life offline. I'm not sure how long you've been exploring this ether world, but these are just things I've found during my explorations here.

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
9/2/2005 12:20 pm

I am glad that you were able to meet someone online Song...

There are however a lot of fake people that exist in this world...

Many people online live in a fantasy world and do not actually be their true selves...


rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
8/29/2005 9:06 am

It is difficult for an online friendship to feel "real" Loyalty, but believe me when I say this, it can happen. It has to me many times. I met my very best girlfriend right here on A.F.F. and we talked for quite a long while before we actually met. Our friendship grows stronger all the time and we see each other as often as is feasible for us both. When there is a connection that strong, it can develop across the wires and ether as easily, or perhaps more easily, as it can in person. It's often easier to speak very honestly here than in "real life" simply because there is time to think and listen without the distraction of the physical. Think about that. *S*

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
8/28/2005 12:53 pm

Indeed you are probably right...

I do have a few friends here but seeing as though I never see them it is often times hard to consider them a friend.


rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
8/27/2005 8:18 pm

on the contrary Loyalty...you may not realize it, but you have a friend here and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way!!! *S*

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
8/27/2005 3:54 pm

Thank you Songbird...

I wouldn't say my family or friends are lucky to have me because I don't really have either


rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
8/26/2005 10:55 am

ok sunrise and Loyalty...my faith in your generation is once again renewed. Now if the two of you could just pass on your wisdom to some of your contemporaries, perhaps all is not lost for this crazy world! You are both amazing young people with a beautiful outlook about yourselves and your world. I'm so glad I stumbled upon this blog...you have each brightened my life! Your family and friends are very lucky to have you!

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
8/23/2005 10:40 am

Thank you songbird...

It is not dead, but getting pretty close to it...


rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
8/22/2005 6:26 am

For one so young, you certainly have a very "old" outlook, and I mean this in a very good way. It warms my heart to know that chivalry is indeed NOT dead for at least one of your generation!! Bless you dear and keep up the good works!!!

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
8/18/2005 6:14 am

I do not think they want to grow and mature...

Why work on maturing when women will sleep with a jerk (immature man)?


MsLoveRose 33F  
2432 posts
7/29/2005 11:08 am

well its not so much as harsh...its just an original way of thinking....ask anyone under the age of 25 about proper courtship...and i am sure they have no clue at at!!!! from the simple hand kiss to the looking in the eye....we wont even talk about getting up and acknowledging a woman's presence...geez....

*sigh***
makes me think they will never see...but then i see a guy like you....and know that there is hope! Someone understands...that means its room for more to grow!

live more, laugh often, love much


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
7/29/2005 5:35 am

Those are all the reasons I wrote this and am putting it in my book sunrise...

I just did not want to be to harsh with it


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
7/29/2005 5:33 am

I love the highlander movies for that very same reason. I live in the modern world but still stick to the anceint ways without faltering at all. It is possible but it is not easy, most people want everything handed to them in life though and that means they do not want to work for anything at all.


MsLoveRose 33F  
2432 posts
7/28/2005 8:38 pm

i forgot about the other things...no means no...you know ...*sigh* thats the thing i dont understand...why is it so hard to get the idea of no and it not be the end of the world....im not a mean person and im certainly not "better" than anyone else. i just know that my heart desires a gentleman....

Listen....oh i have real issues with that....most time i open my mouth i have something to say...or why would i be talking??? and if you are not listening....then why am i wasting my time even trying to explain to you whatever i am trying to say???!!!! *takes deep breath** thats a real ticker for me....if i dont have anything to say...guess what??? im going to be quiet.

not to pick apart your blog entry...just had to vent a little bit!

live more, laugh often, love much


MsLoveRose 33F  
2432 posts
7/28/2005 8:29 pm

you know to start you quoted highlander...(i think the anime will be awesome) that is a good series in general simply because he didnt lose his old world style throughout the series...

when i read this and nodd i want to have an automatic link to your blog...at least post like these so guys would get a clue...you know thats a thought...i would try the auto reply...and tell them to visit here!!! geez that way they could get a clue!!! all the guys....the ones who think they know...it would be understood...those who have no clue...will get one....and for those who dont take heed...now thats a different story...*sigh!!!

i read this and i think...first the stand when a woman enters or exit the room....that is clearly a lost art...kissing the hand,bowing, kneeling...whichever...another lost art....these small things make up the heavy romance...am i wrong if i expect none the less...? sometimes so many people cry about what they want and dont want and have all this passion...but have no clue as to what it is...and you cant describe it...then you know nothing...off to the dungeon with you!!!! unfair? maybe but thats why im not in power....LOL it would be a requirement for guys to be gentlemen!!!!

*sigh**

live more, laugh often, love much


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
7/28/2005 10:40 am

Men could read it but that does not mean they would care enough to actually think about what is being said.


redlipsprincess
(Princess Lips)
51F

7/28/2005 7:31 am

bravo,
all men should have to read this...

TTFN


LoyaltyandHonor 35M/31F
1241 posts
7/28/2005 4:27 am

I think the idea of a man holding a woman's hand has been lost. It is one of the things I liked about being younger. Now that I am an adult, such innocent things are not desired by many because everyone wants sex more then they do passion or romance.


TehTigerLily 31F

7/27/2005 11:54 pm

Im seeing somebody right now, and if when he drops me off at night, hell take my hand in his, and kiss the back of it, and rub his tumb across my palm. I have to say that it is the most romantic thing any guy has ever done, and it makes me smile.


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