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A Modern Knight (Part One & Two)
A Modern Knight (Part One & Two)
The Birth of a Modern Knight...
“You can be anything that you want to be.” ‒ The biggest load of bullsh** I have ever heard in my life!
We are all born to be something, and no matter what we do it will always end up being that way. I do not personally believe in god, regardless of my personal beliefs… there is without a doubt something of great power above us. Mid-life crisis is a prime example… people eventually wish they had chosen a different path in life. Look at the greatest knights and kings that once ruled or fought and you will find that they were inspired by specific events within their lives. They did not be what they were right off; those things take time to develop. Obviously our path in life will not be revealed to us until we are capable of accepting it. Due to the fact that so many men and women mature at snail speed in modern society, it then results in them virtually never knowing what their purpose in life is. They pass through life dreaming the impossible dream, caring more about themselves then they ever do another. I know that some people are very nice, but history proves time and time again that most people only care about themselves. They won’t lift a finger to help another until it provides them personally with some kind of gain.
Thankfully, I am “not” one of those normal people. However, I made the mistake of wishing for something that I were not ready to handle.
I grew up as the outsider of my family… the youngest child of three. My brother and sister ignored me and my parents didn’t really ignore me… they just flat out walked through me like Casper the ghost. At least with my brother and sister I would sometimes get a reply. This lead to me taking out my anger easily in the school yards. The funny thing is though; I have never in my life started a fight. I was always the foolish knight in shining armor since damn near the day I was born. Standing up for myself when someone picked on me, and barging in to defend someone else if they were being picked on. My parents and teachers didn’t give a fu** though, as far as they were concerned a fight is a fight and thus I got suspended almost 3 days a week from school since about 1st grade on.
As a child I immediately fell in love with medieval times. I still laugh at this, but HBO use to have regular programming when it was first out. I use to watch the movie Conan the Destroyer every day for almost 3 years straight. It came on HBO every morning at 6am and 8am on weekends. I watched it before I went to school, and I watched it again everyday at 6pm when it came on again. (They eventually changed it so it was only on in the mornings). My parents didn’t like it very much, but they were smart enough to realize I was very different. They ignored me, but it almost seemed that they kind of paid attention to me in a different way. They allowed me to be a loner where as with my brother and sister they scolded them and punished them when they did something wrong. I did a lot of things wrong, but my brother and sister flat out defied their wishes and thus they got much harsher punishments then I did.
I wanted to start my martial arts training back when I was really young. With my temper however my parents thought it would be a very bad thing. The therapists I had to see as a child tried to tell them it would actually do me good to train in martial arts; they however did not listen! For that I will never forgive them and you will later understand why… it would appear that a lot of parents have a general idea of who their children will be before even they do. This is causing some major problems in the current world… children are supposed to be nourished and mentored. Instead of parents often helping to guide their children they often seem to just “control” them in whatever way they personally desire.
I also grew up very shy, before I got placed in school we had to take a placement test that was actually just an interview. I was asked some basic questions like, if I knew my birthday and my name and that basic stuff. I answered nothing because I was shy and due to that they assumed I was underdeveloped and thus held me back a grade right from the start of school. The good thing was that I got my first girlfriend in that grade… heh I will never forget her. She got me into so much trouble it wasn’t even funny! There were times that we would be coming back from gym class and she would literally jump on me once we were back in the classroom and start kissing my face. It was nothing bad or anything, just childsplay type stuff. Finally we moved, and I lost her… she was the only friend I have ever really had in my life. Needless to say, being separated from her only made my temper worse. Even as a child, you never separate them from something they love unless you want to face a case of depression that most children do not have to endure. My parents had separated me from my Guinevere, and did not know what the results would be…
Things got worse when I was in 4th grade… my mother hurt her back terribly when she was getting out of the car after work one night. Just one of those freak occurrences when you happen to move a normal way and suddenly your body doesn’t react well to it. It cost her being in bed for almost a year straight, since she was the only one of my parents working it really didn’t serve to well. My father always tried, but he was always better with us kids then my mother so he tended to us mostly. My brother is older then me (by 4 years) so he took the opportunity to pretty much start living at his different friends houses. I think he was probably home about one day a week…
My parents forced us to go to church when I was little. I didn’t believe in god then and as I have said, I most certainly do not now. Despite not believing in god while I was younger… I did make one prayer when I was 9 years old. Had I know that it was going to come true, I don’t know if I still would have made the same prayer. Had I know what it was going to entail… I never would have even considered making the prayer. Luckily the one good thing my father always told me was that we should never pray for ourselves unless it is a passion from the heart.
(I wish more people did this… they believe that by asking for forgiveness that it will fix all of our sins. I have met Christian women that think they can violate their beliefs by engaging in pre-martial sex and then say they are sorry and are forgiven. Obviously if you do something that you know is wrong before you do it then you can not be forgiven. Sometimes we really do actually make bad mistakes, but those mistakes are spur of the moment choices and not actually planned on. If these women go to a bar and get drunk and fucked then as long as it only happens once then it could possibly be forgiven. If they then turn around and do it again knowing it will result in the same then not only are you committing a sin by that action… but you are committing a sin again for having lied to god about being truly sorry (asking for forgiveness) after the first time. So many people either hide behind their friends or their god or take literally no responsibility for their actions. It is sad isn’t it? I am thankful because just like anyone else I made some horrible choices. What is the difference between me and most other people you ask? I was only 13, and I did not make any excuses despite how young I was. I sacrificed my future in order to save the lives of others).
The only thing I ever asked god for was to be as different as possible. Even at that age I didn’t care about money or friends, I just wanted to be as unique as a person could possibly be. The first thing I ever noticed in life is that all people act very similar. I figured it was just my imagination… but a lot of doctors and scientists have proven over the past 15 years that it is not my imagination. People in today’s society all click together, they follow each other instead of following their heart. I have never desired such imperfection… men are worse at this then most women. They assume that having a heart is a bad thing, but the truth is that it makes you stronger and not weaker.
I had begun my martial arts studies around this age. As I said… my parents refused to allow me to study in a class. As a result I began studying on my own… I used the money I got for my b-day and Christmas to go down to the local book store and order Samurai and basic Kung Fu books as well as European history books focused on knights and chivalry. (This is also where I got my first sexual education. Samurai were trained in the art of war as well as the art of love. Kama Sutra is mentioned in many martial arts books!) As I said in a previous article, adultery is wrong in a lot of ways other then religion. Amongst warriors and knights like myself, adultery is the second greatest form of dishonor that one can face. By law anyone who dishonors someone like us in such a manner (male or female) we are then required to “reclaim our/that honor.” Back then and even today, the only way to reclaim that lost honor is in a duel to the finish. This sounds unfair, however it is not because we are bound by those codes as well. We are required to surrender our life if we ever harm an innocent person or cheat on our girlfriends or wife. Aside from loosing in physical combat, adultery ranks a nearly identical second.
I was in 5th grade at this time and it was only three days later that the prayer got answered… thankfully I was right about assuming my maturity was already more advanced then most of the others. The vents that followed over the next 4 years where probably the greatest trials I will and have ever faced in my life…
The Birth of a Modern Knight (Part Two)
My aunt passed away (not by accident) and it tore my mother up. They were best friends and really were my mother’s only friend at the time. After having to go through what she did with her back and now her best friend being taken from her it sent her off the deep end. (Still an ongoing problem 15 years later, I will explain that later though in part 4 or 5).
Because my parents where the closest to them they were picked to be the ones to help deal with the trial and as well as cleaning up the house. Us kids where kicked around from home to home in the mean time. My brother stayed with his friends and so did my sister, because I had no friends I was sent to stay with a family from my church. The father of that family was a big martial artist, which I was not aware of until I was at their home because it was not something that they boast about. After seeing his office (were he held all of his training and conditioning gear) I realized that he was someone who could teach me a thing or two. I have to say that I immediately took a liking to them, not really because of the martial arts practices, but because they did not advertise it. (I am open about the fact I train, but I don’t go into details about the specific training’s. My training and ability is not a trophy, it is a way of life, and they were a wonderful example to follow). Aside from helping with my martial arts he was also a semi-professional bass fisherman and took me out on the lakes with him. (As I got older we partnered up and competed in some state tournaments).
My parents began fighting a lot as my mother got more depressed. They nearly separated several times but decided to stay together because of us kids. (At the time I thought this was a good idea, but as I will explain in part 4 or 5, it was not a good idea at all).
The other kids at school were relentless about making fun of me and my family for what happened to my aunt. This led to be starting to let my temper flare because I was unable to think clearly. After nearly 100 consecutive suspensions the school had a meeting and decided I was a troubled child and thus decided to send me away to a evaluation center where they would decide what kind of support and teaching I needed. They did not address the fact that the children where making fun of me and my family, instead they put all the blame on me. I agree that it was not okay for me to allow my temper to slide, but they should have been punished as well.
(Back in fourth grade one student that literally knocked me around on a daily basis was also not reprimanded. The school sent me home early one day with a note for my parents. The note read, “we can not guarantee the safety of your son therefore we are now releasing him from school everyday at 2:30pm instead of 2:40pm so that he can get a head start home and not be bullied anymore.” Even today people still face this kind of thing, people wonder home some of these school issues keep happening, well they keep happening because the criminals have more rights then the innocent. Eventually those innocent people fight back and thus we end up hearing about it on the news. My parents where seriously pissed off about the fact that the school wouldn’t actually stop this kid, but seeing as they were not very wealthy… they could not afford a lawyer).
None of the people at the evaluation center were actual doctors, but they were trained to keep an eye on us and then report our behavior patterns to their supervisors. Most of the people here were total jerks but I didn’t have a choice to get along with them or not. The school at this facility was very small, about 6 students per class. I did get lucky in the fact that they had just finished a study right before I got there. The study they started when I was there was on classical music and famous inventors. It is here that I learned about classical music and fell in love with it. (I still love it today and probably would not if it was not for getting sent to this place). Often times we only see the bad in the bad things that happen to us, I however find this as a good thing and thus I do not hold ill feelings towards the fact I was not even suppose to be in that place to begin with. I had to stay here for 90 days and it made things fall apart at home.
I returned home to find my parents had allowed one of my sister’s friends to move in while I was gone. This meant that I no longer had a bedroom of my own to sleep in and thus had to sleep on the couch. I didn’t really mind aside from the fact that my family stayed up till nearly 2/3 o’clock in the morning and thus I was not able to get very much sleep at all. Having been away allowed me the chance to regain some focus, my grades temporarily went from F’s to A’s. Because of the fact I could not sleep, it then reduced my grades back down to F’s within just two months time. As soon as my grades started to slip a lot of the kids saw me as an outcast again and thus the picking started up again.
“From here was an eventful sixth grade, and in seventh grade a finally found a group of friends… or what I thought were my friends. I learned some lessons the hard way from them and it left a scar on me that I will never be able to fully forget, luckily I did learn a great deal though. That story is for another time though as I do not want to dig through those memories at the moment”.
5/26/2005 5:18 pm
My real passions did not show up till later... for very good reasons.|
Posting a part three and maybe a part four will be very hard because AdultFriendFinder will most likely deny them.
I do think that your statement is well suited
5/26/2005 9:53 am
This is a lot of work. I commend you for it. I also commend you are the passion that you carry. I hope you never lose it. It would appears that you already are familiar with the adversity you might encounter...that's where most people lay their passions down.|
...your opening quote isn't so wrong as you might think. What youn really want, never goes away, and so if someone ignore it, passes it by, then as you have noted, later in life, they are miserable, or at the least, unsociable. Maybe it should say..."You can be anything that you want to be, or you can be miserable".
5/26/2005 7:15 am
I am working on part three, and since this was posted so long ago... no one would probably remember where I was going to be starting off now.|
I should have the next and hopefully last installment up tomorrow night
A lot of ground to cover though...