Saw and a sub  

Love2Much30 41M
3 posts
9/17/2005 8:13 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Saw and a sub

So, here I am, eating a sub from Quizno's while my roommate and our friend watch "Saw" on DVD. Ugh. Talk about unfortunate juxtaposition.

Anyway, this is my blog, blah blah, I'm interesting, I'm hip, ooh I'm sexy, etc. I've had a long week at work and I'm exhausted, so thank God for the weekend.

I can't wait to see my daughter tomorrow. She is 14 months old and as cute as a button. I'm so thankful for her presence in my life. I love being a father.

Other things to be thankful for:-
- elliptical trainers
- gyms in general (Latin for "place to get naked in" or something)
- books
- titanium (very hard to machine, you know)
- music (Talib Kweli, especially)
- a sense of purpose

It's hard to write an interesting journal entry when people are being chopped up.

There are so many ways in which I could improve myself, it's hard to know where to start. At least I've a taste now for self-improvement.

Danielle, a dear friend of mine, tells me I'm perfect. (She's nuts, of course, but I adore her.) She loves how much I love my daughter, she thinks I'm a wonderful human being, and she admires my dedication to my job.

Perhaps I take myself too seriously, that's all. I've spent the past few years turning my life around. Now I have a great job, a wonderful girlfriend, super friends, a fabulous daughter (by a previous marriage) etc.

So, why am I unhappy? I'm not sure I AM unhappy. I'm quite full of myself, frankly. I should be more humble, more thankful, less self-congratulatory.

It's tricky. I mustn't be too pious, nor too self-laudatory, yet at the same time I mustn't try too hard to walk through the middle. Ugh. Being self-aware sucks sometimes. It's as if I'm surrounded by stupid people, yet sometimes I'm the most stupid of all.

I'm eight thousand miles from home. I miss England. I miss my parents. Then again, I love California. The weather is wonderful. So are the people, although I am of course dying to become an English teacher so I can correct everyone's spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

(Let's not even get started on serial commas or you'll think I'm a complete nutcase.)

Seriously, I know how to cut loose. Ask my friends. I can do the whole "eat, drink and be merry" thing, the whole "stay up all night watching bad movies with people you love" thing and so on. I'm aware of how much fun I am. I just don't like that side of myself a lot. I'm thirty. I have responsibilities. I'm not eighteen anymore. I can't get away with staying up all night. Too many people rely on me, at work and at home.

Am I complaining? I hope that's not how it sounds. I love my life. I just feel the need to justify my new self's nature to my old self, I guess. I am proud and happy with the man I am today. I just wish I didn't have such a complicated past.

Then again, one's past is what can make one interesting...

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