|Blogs > Lonelywoman56 > Searching for Reality|
What the hell am I doing sitting at this fucking computer, I can't get motivated. I'm not depressed or sad. I think I'm just plain lazy today. For someone who leads a stress free life, last week was tiring. This must be the repercussion. But this is dangerous for me, not keeping busy, it can lead to self destructive behavior.The wheels start to turn, ghosts start to wake up, poking at my soul, triing to chip through my armor, thats funny, didn't I send you all away in that big balloon a couple of years ago?
Or is it that I haven't gotten wild and crazy for a really long time. I would like to go somewhere, happf; a nightclub or something, happyf;loud Smokey, and just dance my fucking guts happyf; out in a mob or mass of people, like that place in the basement at Vail, happyf; it has different rooms and the beers are a buck. My son took me there last summer, it was great. He had cool friends and it was small and crowded and I was able to disappear happyf; happyf; into the crowd and just dance. happyf; It was the free-est I have felt in years and years.happyf;
Around here is a college town, or local bars that I know the people from the schools and stuff. Where can a 49 year old woman go, blend in and just dance in Wilkes Barre, loud, dark Smokey, crowded just lose myself in the music and rhythm. Oh I know where, no where.Just little ole me and my living room, all alone forever.
I've got some energy boiling in me, so like I said What am I doing at this fucking, yes I said Fucking, Fucking, fucking Fucking, (That was a little bit,LITTLE bit of unresolved anger at the last ex who wouldn't "let " me curse) Lets see now, I was lazy, I dumped on all of you again, now I'm energized, I guess I'll go outside and enjoy my farm. Some really good sex would be OK too. Yeah.....Like I said I guess I'll go outside and enjoy my farm.