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Where did the Love go? Part 2.
Where did the Love go? Part 2.
In answer to a reader's question:
"Do you mean that the endless search for a soulmate is pointless, because you can learn to love someone right next door? "
Yes, but not quite, there has to be the initial attraction in the first place. We humans are just like the rest of the animal kingdom, the first attractant is usually visual, closely followed by the other senses of smell, sound, taste and touch (not necessarily in that order but usually begun by visual attraction). Just like in the animal kingdom we have ways of attracting the potential soulmate visually, like peacocks, and then if interested we follow up by wanting to get closer and smell takes over (like dogs sniffing each other).
This is why people spend so much on perfumes and make-up and why pheremones are so important. Once these 2 powerful senses kick in the system begin to flood the brain with the chemicals that stimulate 'interest'. This 'interest' grows into 'lust' (can be within minutes, hours, days or months) and the attraction grows stronger.
Along with the feelings of lust come 'nice feelings' and we begin to relate to that stimuli by telling ourselves (thinking) nice things about the person who caused those 'nice feelings'. This becomes a cycle of the attraction, 'lust', causing nice feelings and the nice feelings become associated with the attraction (he makes me feel so good/special/hot) and this fuels the 'lust'.
The more we're interested, the more we search for 'evidence of a suitable match'. The more things we find 'in common' the more 'nice things' we have to tell ourselves about the other person. The more we tell ourselves nice things, the more we're convinced 'they're the one for me'. This is simply reinforcing initial attraction through positive affirmations about that person.
The longer you do that for, the stronger the real 'love' bond builds between you. So, yes, if you were attracted to your next door neighbour and found you had things in common your subconscious mind would naturally run those positive affirmations flat out all day long until you had convinced yourself you were 'in love' with them.
This also means that if I'm attracted by your profile and you seem to find bits of me interesting, we could build a relationship 4075 miles apart over the internet but it wouldn't be real until we had 'sniffed' each other. If we met, sniffed, touched, tasted and the chemicals flowed, we would be well on the way but if one of us didn't subconsciously (or consciously) do the affirmations, the relationship would not succeed.
The problems arise out of:
1 only one of you doing the affirmations
2 one or both of you stopping doing them
Then we say we 'fell out of love' when we mean the lust withered and we weren't sufficiently connected to continue loving each other. This can be caused by any one or more of a zillion reasons but it's actually because most of us don't realise the power of those affirmations and how necessary they are to 'staying in love'.
This is where vows of commitment in marriages and partnerships come from, they are statements of commitment to the relationship that are intended to be expressed as positive affirmations and remind the 2 parties of why they got together in the first place, intended to keep them together. hence the advice of counsellors, remember your vows.
We have to realise, 'staying in love' takes work! There is nothing magical or mystical about it as some (merchants of love potions and romance for example) would have you believe. Have you ever heard the expression "To speak something into existance"? It comes from those enlightened in the secret of love:
I love you because I say I do (over and over and over for ever).
I hate you because I say I do (over and over and over for ever).
Warning: This is also where one sided obsession and stalking have their roots!
Now, obviously you can love someone (like my first wife) who is not your 'soulmate' (a mystical term meaning someone with whom you are totally compatible with) but if you want a soulmate to fall in love with you will have to search a lot harder and more carefully to find that someone you are completely comfortable with and happy to share their 'everything'. So, choose carefully what you wish for because you just might get it.
Dr Guru Dev Greg