First Entry  

Layodet 36M
8 posts
12/23/2005 6:31 pm

Last Read:
4/16/2006 3:09 pm

First Entry


First entry, but I will just jump in like I have been keeping this for awhile...

It's been two days now, but I still feel odd about it. I had sex with my next door neighbor again, first time with her in over a year. I had gone several months outside of a relationship and was feeling randy beyond measure. But, like the other times, I felt awkward about it. I think if it were just oral sex or something else, I might not be so bad. I tie way too much emotion to sex with women it seems, as I have a hard time doing it without any emotional connection. It just feels all wrong. Two weeks ago my good buddy from work, a heavier bisexual girl, gave me oral sex. For some reason, that didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I love watching her do it, she is so marvelous at it that I envy her almost artistic skill. I think perhaps, I should consider having sex with women only when I truly care about them.

Which leaves me with my other sexual explorations. The girl from work, couples, and other men. Couples I almost consider out of the question. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to actually be able to pull it off, but my social anxiety would work against me and I doubt I would be able to even get an erection, which would be very embarassing in front of two individuals. The girl from work, well, she is always fun. But not the most attractive girl. Her personality, sexually, is an absolute ten plus. She is essentially a lesbian, but my unusual mind set and my sexually explorative nature attracts her and she loves pleasing me. After that, there is men. Six years and counting since the last time I was with a man sexually I have probably chatted with hundreds of men, but most of them fall into two catagories that don't interest me in the least. One, considerably older (10 years plus), usually not very attractive, and usually not very masculine. The other younger, but full on gay and not masculine at all. But then most of them claim to be masculine which leads me to wonder what do I see masculine? Well I think masculinity is subtle, never obvious. It isn't in clothing or hobbies, it's in little behaviors and overall demeannor. I like guys because they don't seem to take life as seriously as women. A guy can throw his hands in the air and say "Ah, fuck it!" far more often. The ones I am attracted to are laid back, video game playing, clowning on friends, happy go lucky kind of guys. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being straight and 10 being totally gay...i am probably a 2.8 and I would be willing to bet most guys fall into that area. But I don't have the hang ups about touching another guy most men do.

In reality, I am actually not emotionally attracted to men at all. I get enough of that emotion shit from women, and I love them for that. From men, I want something that is laid back and emotion free. I mean guys, lets face it, when the girl is frustrating you or women in general have put you in a bad state, the guys and a few beers is the perfect "ah fuck it" solution. And, as a message to those "people" out there, no this isn't a stage on the way to being totally gay. I am not unsure of myself and I have no quams about being gay if that was the choice I wanted. The world isn't black or white, and I am not straight or gay nor will I ever be.

A big part of the problem is that I live in a conservative overweight hell hole. Indiana is horrifying when it comes to looking for like minded guys. Most of the guys in this state who are looking for other guys are 35+. This age gap is because of the conservative upbringing of most of these men, blocking their ability to be open minded and exploring at a younger age. So they wait until midlife before they start to realize who they are and begin exploring. Most in Indy are so supressed about their desires it makes having them and seeking to fill them a somewhat lonely task. Then there is the overweight problem here. Third fattest state in the country and probably moving up the list. Not entirely their fault, outdoor wise there really isn't much to do here. But still, I keep myself in the shape I want to be in from a life of athleticism. I honestly am much more attracted to that sort of thing. Ok, sure that sounds shallow, but only to those who don't fall into my preference catagory. And this is my life you know, the pool is in my yard I can swim at the shallow end if I want to.

So I talk to middle aged guys who would "love to suck my cock", and then block them because it is hardly worth the effort. If I wanted my cock sucked I would just ask my buddy at work to do it. Your going to have to dig a little deeper. So I will continue masturbating and watching amateur porn and hope the 6 years doesn't roll over into 7.

I will probably avoid having sex with my neighbor if I can hold the will power, she is hot and all, but it just doesn't feel right. Well, time to nap before work, happy trails.

Nimbae

Today's Most Thought of Sexual Fantasy: Giving head to a guy while he is playing video games...hey what's that look for? It sounds fun!

Layodet 36M

12/23/2005 8:41 pm

Well past time I left. Soon, they will hand me a degree and I will be at last wisked off to seek a higher one. And believe me, I will be somewhere VERY different from Indiana.


rm_sxyincpl 42M/37F

12/27/2005 9:50 pm

Too bad that you consider couples "nearly out of the question"!!


R&S


Layodet 36M

12/29/2005 2:49 am

R&S,

Keyword, NEARLY. If I can get relaxed enough, or if they would let me bring my friend Jamie from work, who has the uncanny ability to relax me. Than it would be golden.


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