Guilty or Innocent  

Lapkin4u 42F
497 posts
8/3/2005 6:40 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Guilty or Innocent

Well I haven't written anything in awhile because I haven't known what to say, but today I want to talk about guilt. Do you know people in your life that have a way of making you feel guilty about everything? I am so consumed by guilt that I feel guilty my friggin hair is brown, and at this point, yes, guilty that I was ever born. No matter what I do I am always wrong, my decisions always hurt someone and I am deemed selfish. Is it me that is selfish, or them that is selfish for not allowing me to spread my wings. I feel so suppressed, no matter what I choose I'll be made to feel guilty for the rest of my life over it. So do I go for my lifelong dream and crush everyone else's, or do I make the sacrifice and forget about what I want? I'm losing my ability to cope more and more each day, I've tried to be nice, but I know me and it won't be much longer before I say enough is enough and I explode, which is not going to be a pretty site. I've never been really good about people criticizing me or attacking me and right now I feel like I am under attack constantly. Every part of me is exposed and being picked at, causing a festering wound infected with resentment and disgust. Without treatment I fear it may spread and my conscious may become as dead as I feel inside right now. Either way death is the result, be it death of a dream or death of a relationship, something's gotta give. Can someone draw me a map to the light at the end of the tunnel? Where I know the right answer is, but cannot find my way there through the guilt that is clouding my eyes. Guess that is enough crap for now.


nightstogether 56M

8/3/2005 7:31 am

And everyone else is perfect and makes no mistakes? Everyone else can come to you have have things done, but doesn't return the favour?

Time you decided what you want to do with your life and how you wish to enjoy yourself. Yes, there is always going to be someone who appears hurt, or who doesn't like what you're doing or going to do, but that's a part of life too. Why conform to the endlessly changing ideals of everyone else instead of living out your own ideals?

nightstogether
private-intellectual (.de)


ByteChaser2 53M

8/3/2005 8:28 am

That sounds terribly black and white. Following your heart won't crush those around you, I promise.

You know, I had a friend tell me about one of my (many) shortcomings that may help you make the decision your groping around for...

There's givers and there's takers - and as in most things in life, a measure of those who are both. I'm a giver. I have this need to give - advice, friendship, support, money... Whatever. If I have it and a friend needs it, I'll give. And it's a good thing - to a point.

The problem, at least in my own case, is two-fold. I (givers in general) tend to "enable" takers. We, by our very generosity, encourage takers to cross over from self- and intra-reliance to dependance. You see it all the time. That same person you helped out last month keeps coming back for more and more. If you don't watch out, they can drain you dry and leave you empty.

Worse than this enabling behavior is that some of us givers neglect that one person in our lives that needs what we have to give the most. OURSELVES.

It's like, we have this emotional bank account. From our beginnings of coherent life, we and others are making deposits into this account. Kind words, friendships, good and useful advice... If we're lucky, we enter our adult lives with a nice fat bank account. For the givers, we'll begin making withdrawls from our own account to help build others' accounts. Problem is, for some of us, we don't make any deposits and before long, we're emotionally broke.

I'm finding, through my own battles with emotional bankrupsy, that I've neglected me. I haven't followed my own dreams and advice. I've given all that I have to the takers around me and never gave anything to me.

So what's the point... Follow your dreams and make some deposits in your account. Stop enabling the takers and start enabling yourself. Don't be so consumed with the effect you'll have on those around you, they can take care of themselves for a while (or they'll go find some other giver to leech from). It's not a matter of guilt or innocence to care for yourself.

Besides, how can you be giving, caring person if you've given everything away and have nothing left? Follow your head and heart. It'll all work out in the end.

I promise.


Barbiebunny69 43F

8/3/2005 3:46 pm

yup what bitechaser said. new pic is fab


Lapkin4u 42F

8/4/2005 6:28 am

Bytechaser, Thank you so much. That is the best thing anyone has ever said to me, and it's so true. I am a giver, always have been. I have been taken advantage of many, many, many times in my life because of it. I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else to snap me back into reality. You made me think alot of what you have said and following my dream is not me being selfish, I am doing it as much for my children as I am for me. So that I can GIVE them a bright future, where we don't have to worry anymore. Nothing in my life has ever been done selfishly, I don't think I have that bone in my body. From this moment on I shall be a rock and do what has to be done to achieve my goal and move forward, and if that is too much for some to bear, then I have nothing left to GIVE them. Thanks again for the reality check!

Oh! and Bunny, thanks, I really love the new pic too, it turned out great...a rare thing for me.


giggidy1969 47M  
43 posts
8/4/2005 11:45 pm

My boss makes me feel like sh!t everyday.
As far as ppl criticising(sp?) your every move and decision...my best advice is to say "HEY! this is MY life and if I want to do this or that,then it's my choice!"
OR just ignore the critics and find some new friends.
Believe me,I have been there done that,and yes it does hurt when ppl close to you make you feel guilty,but it will get better.
After reading your post,I feel that you need to talk to someone and just vent your frustrations.
If you ever feel down and depressed,please email me and I will be a shoulder.
I am a good listener hun.


giggidy1969 47M  
43 posts
8/4/2005 11:46 pm

BTW, I love the new pic, very nice!


rm_smd70 46M
51 posts
8/8/2005 6:51 am

It sounds to me like you already know what to do. I hope you have the courage I don't and just do it. You are stronger than you realize and i'm sure you can take someone elses critisism, after all, they never last too long. Good luck!
And LOVE the new pic!


dark_whispers 38F

8/8/2005 9:22 pm

Hi.. I have stood in your shoes.. can be a very painful place.. but.. you have to realize.. you are the one person in life.. who will always be there for you.. if you give away all that you are.. and never build your own foundation.. eventually you will find that you have become an empty shell.. with nothing of meaning or value in yourself.. It is not selfish to want to take care of yourself... think of it more as a .. gift to you..from you.. that will only make you a better stronger person..and able to truly give more to others if that is your desire.. Also.. if you were a friend to someone life you.. what advice would you give yourself..? live your dreams... be the person you want to be..the person you are.. Just my thoughts.. you are a truly lovely person.. have faith.. the way is not always easy..but is always worth it.. huggles n bb..Respectfully, me..


want_u2_blow_me 48M
68 posts
8/25/2005 7:00 am

If it is a decision betwen the death of your dreams or a relationship, it's a no brainer. Without our dreams weare nothing, so whoever it is that is holding you back from realizing your dreams has got to go. A word of caution though, be careful what you wish for, as you just might get it! Make sure this is really what you want and not just a passing fancy before you make that leap!


want_u2_blow_me 48M
68 posts
8/25/2005 7:04 am

Also, the pic posted with your comments seems very appropriate, you look very innocent in that picture, what a beautiful smile! I'd love to see more of you!


Become a member to create a blog