|Blogs > Lamorenita22 > The shit I go thru|
Late Birthday Blog
Late Birthday Blog
Yesterday was my b day and as usual my husband fucked it up. Monday he got upset because I did not want to have sex with him. I do not like having sex with my husband I would rather do almost anything but have sex with him. Today he decided to not speak to me he hasn’t said a word to me all day which I think is just straight wrong. I never treat him like shit on his b day or during the holidays. I'm starting to think that since he has his green card now he knows he doesnt need me anymore so he is going to do whatever he has to do to get rid of me. Which doesnt really bother me to be honest in the end things will work out no matter what happens I will be ok. As far as I’m concerned he can take everything he has ever given me and shove it up his ass. I can take my kids and leave because no matter what happens I am not alone. He cosigned for my car and sometimes I feel like throwing the car keys at his head and telling him I entered this relationship with nothing and I will leave this relationship with my kids. To me my kids r way more valuable than anything I own. I can buy a new car I can get my own place I can get myself a computer all in my name but I can not replace my children. Today I gave him some ass just so he would leave me alone and go back to being the normal asshole he always is. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am actually glad he is leaving! I have 3 ½ weeks left till he goes to el Salvador . I t will give us time apart and maybe while he is there he will some how learn that sex without passion is just going thru the motions and that is what I have been doing for about 3 years now. I have almost forgotten what its like to not only desire the person I am with but also care about them. Before I met my husband I didn’t believe in cheating I thought all cheaters are wrong and all they do is spread pain and hurt because all they wanted to do is satisfy their bodies cravings. I spent about 17 years of my life being a faithful girlfriend and 2 ½ years of my marriage being faithful. I can honestly say my husband was the first and only person I have cheated on. I’m not saying that because I’m proud of it I’m just saying it because some where during that time I changed. I still think cheating in some circumstances is wrong but in some situations I understand it. In some cases I think its better to leave the situation I can say honestly if I didn’t have my kids I would’ve been gone a long time ago. I probably wouldn’t have a profile on this site and I probably wouldn’t be trying to improve my life. But everything happens for a reason and I do believe someday my marriage will end and that I might be prepared for it or I might not be. But either way I will be ok and next time around I know what mistakes I shouldn’t make and I understand that sexual pleasure is not love but it can be a way to express love. I would rather live a life full of love than live a life full of sexual relationships where I put my clothes back on say my good byes (in some cases) and walk out the door. In the end u may have one need satisfied but u still have that empty feeling afterwards like damn I’m still not happy. Some of us ignore that feeling for some reason that I haven’t figured out yet but it always comes back to haunt you some how some way. For example how many times have you heard a single person say they don’t have a reason to go home because there isn’t anybody there waiting for them. Once I was having a conversation with my husbands friend and he told me that when they went to the casino every bodies wives were calling them and my husband said I wish my wife would call me. I felt bad but the truth is I prefer to not be around him I’m not saying he doesn’t love me I’m just saying its gotten to the point where I realize we have grown apart. I honestly don’t desire his company, when I did want him around he preferred to be drinking with his friends, seeing other women, and leaving me alone way too much. He often accused me of cheating which hurt me a lot because I was so faithful it wasn’t funny. I ignored all men literally and I ignored all the men that even so much as glanced at me plus I didn’t drive and I didn’t have a cell. I’m not saying you have to have a car and a cell to cheat but I will admit having both items does help! I think any other woman in my position would have strayed after the first year. Its perfectly natural for us to look for the affection (in some cases) we are not getting at home or in the relationship we currently in. In some cases people just grow apart and there isn’t much anyone can do when that happens. I care about my husband and if he does leave me someday I won’t be angry I will wish him good luck and tell him I want him to be happy.
The first time I found out he had cheated on me (which he still denies to this day) I was devastated I thought my life was over it was like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me in my heart multiple times. I couldn’t stop crying I went with my friend to the clinic and I sat in the waiting room and I cried. This old man I didn’t even know gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be ok. Too bad I didn’t know that was only the beginning of the pain my husband would put me through. There were other women and as usual he continued to spend large amounts of time with his friends. Only this time he kept trying to make me stay in the house but I learned to drive, started working and in a way became more independent. Last year I was fired from my job and I haven’t worked in a year now because I got depressed and I didn’t believe in myself. So I have been taking small steps trying to get to know myself better learn what truly makes me happy and hopefully that will all get me the job I need to have and everything else I need. I just need to be patient because growth takes time. If I hadn’t lost my job I wouldn’t have had the screwed up relationships I have had and I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this shit out. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed to learn to get me this far now I don’t regret any of the fucked up relationships I have had because I have learned from everyone of them. My life is far from over and I have a lot more left to learn so I minus well pay attention and learn so that the next lifetime I can cross some stuff off of my list. *smile* I got this quote on my pda the other day “Knowing that everything you go through is for your perfection makes it all worthwhile” Sylvia Browne