|Blogs > Ladyblue802 > REDHEAD RAMBLINGS......|
Another one bites the dust................
Another one bites the dust................
oh hell yeah ---- i am in a mood, pissed, ticked off, one of the moods to bite the head off a dick, u know? (imagine all the men grabbing their dicks and squealing right now) (ok, reading back, this ended up longer and more soul-baring than I intended but what the fuck........... if ur bored, read on and comment........ if u dont want to be depressed --- STOP AND EXIT QUICKLY!)
I thought my recent guy was going to be a long-term kind of thing. I really thought THIS IS THE ONE! and I wasn't looking, i was actually on my way off the site for good when he approached me on IM here, never even saw my profile. He only wanted one woman for an exclusive relation, I was looking for the same. He was the one early on actually telling me he loved me, AND my puppy, AWWWW ! Altho he lives about 40 mins. away, he was the one always saying he didnt mind the drive, he would even like to live out here and would make that trip everyday to work, etc.
While I had never said out loud that I had strong feelings for him, i did tell him on IM or sign a letter with that damned "L" word. I was even thinking of asking him shortly if he was would be interested in moving in here. Again, he was the one always saying things that lead me to believe he was in this for the long haul......... hinting that he wanted to live here.
There were many instances where he pulled away and distanced himself. He admitted at one point that he was trying to "hide" because his last relationship ended badly and he was having such strong feelings for me it was his mind-set of "leave her before she dumps me or cheats on me". I told him at one point when he claimed to see me online on the site, then made comments, "oh so ur looking for someone else...." that no man I am in an LTR with had better EVER accuse me of cheating! He wouldn't believe that unless u actually LOG OFF at the bottom of the page, it shows u online forever. I told him i stay here at this point to write and read blogs until i can get back to writing full time. I had even put a notice in my profile that i was no longer available. I even told him that I would even give him my password to prove he could trust me.
I have tried to be emotionally and physically available for him, in what he says is a stressful time with his job. Again, in an LTR, i am always available for my guy ..... obviously my biggest fault --- giving a shit about someone.
He has tried to push me away by saying he has nothing to offer me (belongings, money, etc, because of shit that's happened to him). I've told him several times, I am not out looking for someone with $$ ; you say you love me, care about me, want to be supportive etc...... yet u keep trying to push me away? I'm not sure if he was testing me or what.
He thinks he's got stress???? We have been very open (I hope) since we started seeing each other. I grew up in an abusive house (emotionally, mentally and sometime physical) because of a mother with bi-polar disorder and god knows what else. This was not realized until the past few years when in her 70's she started showing signs of dementia.
My first fiance, about 27 years ago, ended up snapping one night and beating the shit out of me. (It wasn't till a few years ago, a back injury from that incident flared up as a herniated disk and bad arth. in my lower back). A year later, I ended up marrying THE LOVE of my life, a tall strapping old fashioned kind of firefighter. He died in the line of duty a few months after we were married. It literally took me 25 years to even want to find another relationship.
My life revolved around raising, training and showing my show dogs during that time -- my dogs literally were the only things keeping me alive. When my dad passed away suddenly in '98, I was left taking care of my mother -- yeah, the abusive one. She had no idea how to manage anything and I had to take care of saving the house for her because she basically was "imcompetent" about finances --- a bi-polar trait I recently discovered.
The next two years were so totally stressful full me having to deal with her, I lost 30 # in a short period, fell into a depression, etc and was on the verge of a breakdown. She started to tell neighbors etc I was living on diet pills. Truth was, I was only able to work 30 hours a week because of her. She sat at home, watched t.v. and thought of nothing else but what she would have me do when i got home....... plus I was the one taking her to dr. appts., running her errands, etc, plus doing all the yard and housework while the Queen sat on her ass. And the verbal abuse got worse.
I ended up getting married the end of 2000 to someone i thought was fantastic........... a week after we got married, his head spun a few times, he showed his true nature of being insanely jealous --- i was no longer allowed to talk to any guys I knew -- and working in a local dept. store for years, i pretty much knew everyone in town. If anyone said hi to me while we were out, he would accuse me of having FUCKED HIM too?? well even if i did, which i didn't, it wasn't any of his business before we met. I was never allowed to even go grocery shopping w/o him with me to keep an eye on my. He was also a pathological liar right up to the end. The night he attempt to put me into a wall and punch me in the face, I knew whoever I thought I loved never existed. The only thing that stopped that punch was when i told him, Go ahead, but u have to sleep sometime.
It was 4 long years of mental and emotional abuse, I lost everything I brought into the marriage, along with two of my retired showdogs. He became disabled 2 months after we were married --- once again, I was the one to do 99% of everything, and there was no sex at all due to the disability. This only intensified his jealousies and suspicions. We ended up living with his elderly parents, where I also ended up taking care of the house and yard of the house we were to inherit when those old farts died. They claimed to love me like a daughter, etc....... couldn;t believe how much i did even when i had to work. In 2002, my back injury (which i didn't know i had from all those years ago) was re-injured at work, leaving me disabled and fighting for years to get disability........ along with suffering from fibromyalgia for 20 years. (one of those things dr's say are all in ur head) .
When husband #2 died suddenly sept. '04 , his pending workers comp case ended , as the widow I had no rights to his settlement! nice huh? And i was the one who had to tend to his leg ulcers, etc when he developed lymphodema years earlier from severe weight gain from his injuries and meds. His life ins. policy wouldn't pay ....... then his wonderful parents suddenly disowned me, a month later his mother passed away and his dad decided to kick me out of the house with my one dog........ and I hadn't even started receiving any welfare benefits yet...... took 3 months to even get food stamps --- even at that, he only reason i was "allowed" to apply was due to my pending disability case.
That was only approved in Oct. '05, benefits never started till feb. '06. I am still in a court fight over trying to get survivors benefits from his comp. case. The only good thing 2 years down the road...... my SS benefits will double to what the 2nd -ex was receiving. ANd yes, i can live comfortably on that. Do i want to be on disability?? hell no. It's not some thing I have ever told people I didn't know well........ too many people get the notion that unless ur in a wheelchair, the person is just lazy, etc. Well shit, I don't get much $$ to live on, but I am managing........ always trying to keep up hope things will get better......... I have never "looked" for an LTR with the hopes of someone "saving" me, because quite frankly, I dont think I could ever trust a man again to want to be married......... I would def. live with someone only IN MY OWN HOUSE. I could never live under the stress of fear of being made homeless again.
In Nov. '04, I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. VERY long story short....... her behavior had become so bad in the few years i was out of the house. Fifteen months ago she collapsed......... again long story short..... it has been one fucking nightmare for me of her in and out of hospitals, her behavior we realized was dementia and getting worse quickly. Whether it was her bi-polar or the dementia, her moods were like a light switch......... i lived in fear never knowing when she would go off on a tirade, verbally or physically and attack me. I have lost count of the number of times the fire dept. medics have been to the house for her falls.......... when i open the door, i ask, Ok who's been here before?
In feb, without going into details, my mother injured Angel, my 80# golden ret. so badly I had to have her put to sleep. Not yet 11 y.o., she was my buddy who went everywhere with me, my confidant who had been thru hell with me since 2000. I have lost many dogs over the years, mostly due to age or illness, but to have to say goodbye to my baby girl because of such a senseless act, devastated me. I literally became suicidal the following week and went to my dr. to beg for tranqualizers. He knew I was in bad shape because I always refused to take any kind of meds -- and he knew what I had been going thru with my mother and her problems. He was afraid to let me leave the office at that point because, even more than a week later I couldn't stop crying.
The first social worker we had last year was wonderful, knew all about dementia patients, etc and supported what i had been thru. In March, a real cunt of a woman came on after another major fall. I had been begging for help with mom, her dr. refused to believe she had a problem. This new s.w., admitted she had never dealt with dementia patients before........ again LONG story short..... she was believing anything mom told her. The woman constantly threatened me by saying it was her duty to tell mom she could throw me out of the house if it was too stressful living WITH ME! I was doing everything, house, yardwork, her errands, dr. appts. etc. And while I don't mind keeping busy, and there are things that HAVE to be done to keep a house going, no one sees when I HAVE to lay down because I am in such pain -- yet wont take pain meds.
(My many hobbies are the dogs -- I now have a new puppy I have been waiting 4 years for -- quilting, jewelry making ,etc.) Yet except for taking care of the puppy, I never have time or energy to do the hobbies I enjoy. All because of the constant care for mom.
The s.w. and the system kept constantly returning her home and each time she was loosing more ground with the dementia, and getting weaker in her legs..... with the dementia......... she was refusing, forgetting and always loosing where she left her walker. Ergo, another fall on the floor. Yet the s.w. would rattle like a broken record that an elder has the right to remain at home, even if they arent making "safe" choices. Ok, like the 2 fires she's started and I just happened to be home?
She was finally declared incompetent by two parties over the past several months, and had 6 falls in 2 weeks, once splitting her ear open, the last fall fracturing her kneecap. She has become so incontinent that even wearing a pair of Depends is useless.......... was to the point I was changing her bed every day, she was leaving her soiled clothes wearing she dropped them etc. With the fractured kneecap accident, they caseworker at the hosp. was trying to talk her into going to the n.h. for rehab (several weeks earlier a meeting here, 2 social workers and 2 nurses told her she cannot go into asst'd living, she needs 24/7 care -- I had even been busting my ass getting her covered by Medicaid for long term care. ANd i was lucky enough that only half of her income would go to the n.h., the rest would be left here for house maintainance because I was under the clause of part owner and DISABLED child. The new s.w. KNEW this as she knew I had the Power of Atty, Medical proxy etc in my name since '9
Yet this never stopped the bitch from telling me i had no right to live here.
So. work. then filed for an emergency guardianship because mom was refusing to go to the nursing home...... she told me this was only to get her placed against her will. again long story short............ guardianship was given to an outside atty. The s.w. called to tell me, w/o giving me the right to be present. I was told the judge wanted to know why no family was there.
She has constantly refused to let me have guardianship, or my brother. Over the past 2 weeks i have been back and forth to attys for advice. NO ONE cane believe an outsider was appointed when I held all the legal paperwork in my name. One atty. talked to the guardian, who had no problem turning guardianship over to me, but then he called the social worker, then called me back and said she refused to sign my own mother over to me. If it was just a matter of doing paperwork it would cost me a few hundred , but going to court and fighting would cost me several thousand which i dont have. This last atty. i talked to was going to call the "enemy's" atty. and "see what he could work out" then let me know about the financial cost.
Been a week, no answer.
What no one can figure out, if mom is now in the nursing home where EVERYONE -- family, dr., etc say she needs to be, why wont this fucking bitch give me my rights back???? I've had 3 attys and one caseworker tell me, NO ONE can touch the house......... yet I WORRY!!! day and night!!! And along with the outside guardianship-- said person now has control over mom's income...... also having all mom's mail forwarded to her. It took me the past 3 months since she was declared incomp. and have control of her checkbook, which has my brother's name and mine on it. I just last month got all her overdue bills caught up and was looking to save for house repairs that are needed and I attempt to do myself.
I even went to the Attorney Generals office today looking for help........ as everyone sees this as a social worker abusing her power, and threatening family members.......... making me look to be the abusive person. She even put in her Affidavit for court that " mom has told her several times that I am abusive towards her....." yet she never put that it was unfounded, dementia talk. I jsut recently found out from a neighbor that mom used to tell everyone many years ago that dad was always abusing her! That broke my heart. I lived with them......... no one could ever do enough to make the old lady happy. Again, her bi-polar disorder. The AG's office told me they couldn't help, it wasn't there kind of case....... I need an atty.
I want this fucking bitch of a social worker not only crucified but in the unemployment line! I just contacted the local city newspaper, hoping they can help investigate and possibly print a story.
What does this have to do with MY GUY ??? well, he knew all this from the start, has met mom while she was still home. He knew a lot about my past and was very supportive, as I with him. His problem, he tends to hide within himself. He keeps himself invisible. Rarely chats to me first, so unless I say hi to him, he's quiet on his end. I need a relationship, esp at the beginning where there is back and forth banter and that still getting to learn everything about each other. And esp. when u live at a distance, u dont have to call every night, but an IM or e-mail sure would be nice.
WHen he does come out to stay overnight, it is NOT about sex. We have spent many more nights together w/o sex than with. And it's nice. He loves to cuddle and caress and sleep with his arms around me. Yest. when he left here, he knew i was heading into the city to the AG's office. I would've thought if he cared he wouldve called or IMed when he got home to see what happened..... but no. Wasn't till after 8:30 I asked if he was home. Told him I got fucked again trying another angle with mom's case. He starts again telling me to quick playing the VICTIM!! oh hell yeah, that set me off!!!
Like i told him, I am not playing the victim...... everytime I stand up and fight for myself, the bastards keep kicking me back down. There just comes a time a person gets tired of fighting alone. Then he accuses ME of pushing him in a corner. ???
Ok, color me confused.
If you can't be a man and just let me vent over another disappointing frustration............ do i need u in my life???
christ allmighty............... I dont need someone telling me, or accusing me of PLAYING the victim...... I am not looking for sympathy........ I need someone to tell me everything will work out, hang in there ,etc. I feel like he takes my frustrations over what i am going thru and turns it into his insecurities and acts like he's the one getting the short end of the "moment of attention". And this is the man who always says he care about me and loves me, and the puppy....... always makes comments when i say i have to do this or that around the house that he will help etc.
Even the other night before he came out, what started as playful banter on my part, he took the wrong way and made a comment that "it always has to be about you......" Uh excuse me......... because I said I want you to come out a few hours earlier than 10 p.m. if you've been home all night and not doing anything????
Well if he's been trying to push me away by being an asshole............. i think he has finally succeeded.
I have enough stress in my life right now, have sent an e-mail to the paper, hopefully a reporter will want to pursue a story of some kind. Yep, like I keep telling my puppy, Tater Salad, "Your daddy sucks!" It's better just being alone.