Tool Definitions  

LabioBent 105M
1273 posts
6/25/2006 3:46 pm

Last Read:
10/3/2006 3:23 am

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate machine gun bullets, its name is somewhat misleading. And its going to burn you.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts over-tightened 58 years ago by someone, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50ยข part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.


mm0206 69F
7767 posts
6/25/2006 9:05 pm

I knew 3 people that would have had a wonderful laugh at that Labio..


penguinluvr 58M
1084 posts
6/25/2006 9:21 pm

Been there, done that, accidentally set the T-shirt on fire while wearing it.


penguinluvr 58M
1084 posts
6/26/2006 9:13 am

Dear sir,
you asked on my blog:

Where can I buy a bike like that?
What is approximate cost?
How well does it perform in snow? On ice?

Had a good chuckle here! Thanks.

Answer: The bike was made by RANS aircraft company of Hays Kansas back in 1983 as something to keep their aircraft welders busy with during slack time between aircraft orders. It is still in production but in a separate factory. One similar to mine can be bought for about US$1200 at the factory. The seat on the latest model are much more comfortable that mine, and had eliminated the rubbing the skin off the tailbone issue I had earlier this year with mine. As far as how it performs in snow and ice, I live in Texas, I haven't seen snow or ice since I put it on the road in 2002. However I have ridden it on some really greasy roads after rain showers, and it can be kept upright in low traction conditions. One help in that is the seat is low enough to put both feet flat on the ground while riding. I use flat pedals and "ski" the bike through skids with my feet on the ground. There is a model that uses mountain bike wheels on both ends that can be fitted with studded snow tires for riding in icy conditions, but it runs about US$1900. I have to say though that if you like recumbents the upgraded model with the mountain bike wheels and disk brakes is fantastic in bad weather, according to the friend of mine who has one. The only problem you might have is what some refer to as the bike's "Kansas gearing", I don't know what kind of hills you have to deal with, but the original gearing that came on my bike was a little on the tall side. I like to tinker and have installed the perfect gears on my own bike, but it took me 5 tries to get it right. If you want to discuss this further you can PM me at juno mail under the handle opus_the_poet , juno is my spam trap.


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
6/26/2006 7:07 pm

I did a film for the military a number of years ago that taught safety procedures regarding OXYACETYLENE was filmed in one
of the buildings at the shipyard and was the most difficult film
I think I ever did because the script was incredibly boring and
so very difficult to memorize...and then, some guy was telling me
that he remembered when something blew in that building and they scraped bodies off the ceiling. I was happy to get outa there!

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

HBowt2 59F

6/28/2006 2:08 pm got to be careful how you play with tools.....

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