Now It's MY Turn!  

LilBlondeNZ 40F
1259 posts
1/17/2006 9:39 am
Now It's MY Turn!

bulging_boySo you wanna share stories, honey

Yeah, yeah... everyone have a good, long laugh about the poor, blonde, American girl learning to drive in New Zealand. Ha, ha, very funny... Glad to be of amusement to you all.

Well now it's MY turn! Woo hoo!

Come on, Bulging_Boy, you knew it was coming.

And you know exactly what I'm going to tell everyone about.

No, not *that*... although I could go on at length in praise.

It's difficult to find things to make fun of Bulge about. OK, actually it's not that difficult to find things to laugh about because he's hysterical, it's just that he's always the one to make fun of himself, so he beats me to it! Really, he's amazing... you should see him around the house and with the kids. Friggin kick ass dad and husband-to-be. I am constantly questioning what I did in life to deserve him. OMG and you should see the way he...

OK OK... I have to restrain myself from giving away all the private details. You guys all know how awesome I think Bulge is; I'd trust him with my life!

There's only one thing I wouldn't trust him with.

My roast.

That's right. It seems his Achilles heel is not being able to remember to take a roast out of the oven.

Dinner delinquent.
Supper slacker.
Tea totaler. (As in total destruction of tea)

Roast arsonist.

He can't be stopped!

Now everyone knows I *love* to cook, and as Bulge will tell you, I'm pretty good when I'm on the ball. I was so excited to have people to cook for again, I was happy to spoil Bulging_Boy and his kids the entire time I was there. But being the considerate man he is, he wanted me to take a night off the first week I was there. We had the kids with us for tea (dinner) and so he thought it would be good to put in a roast since there would be 6 of us.

Right babe, good idea!

And he started out so strong! He cut up carrots and actually parboiled the potatoes, put rosemary on the roast and set it up all nice. FFS most men don't even know what "parboiled" means! So he definitely has to pick up serious points there.

At the point that he put it in the oven is where it all went downhill. Or maybe not at that point, but at the point 90 minutes later when he neglected to take it out. Or maybe the hour after that...

So Bulge takes the roast out of the oven.. and I see from across the room that it's pretty black. But then again, his broiler is pretty hot, so it must just be the top side that got well done. So he carves it and plates everything up. Kids are all taking up the dining room table, so we get comfy on the couch right adjacent, next to the Christmas tree.

He gives me a little warning on the way over to bring me my plate.

"Sweetie, it's a little overdone, but..."

I take the plate and give him a kiss, "Thanks, honey!"

And he turns back to the kitchen to get a glass of water from the sink. And in that moment I look down and realize...

FFS! Overdone!?!?! I think it might be nuclear!!!

It is charred.

When I say charred, I mean completely black on the outside, and a leathery, greyish-brown on the inside. It no longer resembles any formerly living carbon-based organism. The carrots and potatoes are scorched black on the side that was sitting on the pan, and they have lost all molecular structure.

I suppressed my horror as I also realized he had given me a butter knife with which to cut!!!

"Honey? Can you get me some water too? I forgot mine." (Fuck knows I'm going to need it! LOL )

Now kids don't mince words. They haven't learned about the art of diplomacy, and they don't care.

"Dad, this is BURNT!!!"

OMG I wanted to bust out right there and lose it. But I didn't because I could see he was a little upset about the tea being incinerated. He had tried to do something nice like make us all dinner, and it was not the success he imagined it to be. He was bummed.

So I saw what needed to be done.

"Oh Honey, it's really not that bad, it's only the top really because the broiler is so hot."

And I dug in. Attacked the carrots and potatoes first as they were easier to cut. Then I sawed though the roast bit by bit, trying to disguise the sheer force it was taking my arms to cut through the dehydrated, jerky-wannabe entree with said butter knife.

And I ate every little bit.

And smiled and said "Thank you, baby. Dinner was great." and kissed him on the cheek as I got up to take our plates to the sink.

Because maybe the meal was less than perfect, but he certainly wasn't.

helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
1/17/2006 10:57 am

A... hang onto this guy... you have a diamond, honey, and they only sparkle once in our lives!!


PS. Did the kids chew through their incinerated, um... I meant "well-cooked" meal too? Or did they go and make themselves some toast?

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥

dasher121 36M

1/17/2006 11:04 am




As u can clearly tell, im in friggin tears over here!!!! oh thts classic. and you miss NY made one fatal mistake when dealing with an um lets say "over cooked" main course. you dont grub down the rest of the well cooked meal first, you alternate to make the eating more um........tolerable?

either way, hats off to you for getting through.......ummm....tea time??? lol.

slidein2meplz 62F
1994 posts
1/17/2006 11:14 am

It's clear he needs you. ROFLMAOPMP.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

1/17/2006 11:16 am

OMG! This is tooo good! lol! You two are an awesome pair.

Now, Blonde, for the next few can so feel the pain of his children until you get there to rescue them all; that is, if they survive until then.

You two have restored my faith....I wish you so much happiness and success!

oldman1776 78M
3164 posts
1/17/2006 11:24 am

LMAO. Sweetie the call it a stick shift where I'm from to.

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
1/17/2006 11:31 am

Lol - At least he tried!

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 11:55 am


Oh no Trav! Cut it out! You'll have no ass left soon!



LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 11:59 am


Don't I know it! I should put Lo-jac homing device on his ass so nobody steals him. That the way the police can locate him when he's in someone's truck.

I dont know how the kids fared... they were on their own for all i cared. It was every man for himself!



LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 12:03 pm


You know I was half way through the roast when I reconsidered that my strategy was flawed! You got it on the nose.. I should have alternated the moosh with the sawdust for a more efficient job.

Oh well... next time.



LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 12:10 pm

Sister L...

Awww thanks babe!

He cooks other stuff well though... I think it's just roasts he has a problem with bc he has no attention span. He burned one the same way the very next week! (I didnt eat it that time though. Ack! Once is enough!)

His french toast rules though!



LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 12:12 pm


I know! That's what we call it here too!

Fucking "manual"... who the hell calls it that?... friggin weirdos.



bulging_boy 49M

1/17/2006 12:13 pm

I blame you of course.

If you weren't so fucking beautiful, I'd have been able to concentrate on the bloody dinner.

But NOOO! You had to go and be gorgeous didn't you!!


I had no chance

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 12:14 pm


I know- that's what was really mattered.

But it was pretty fucking funny too!

Thanks for visiting new friend-



LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
1/17/2006 1:16 pm


I know, baby. It's tough having a gorgeous girl distracting you from your cooking.

( * makes mental note: Get Bulge to go to the Optometrist.* )



Sister_Act_4_You 38F/38F

1/17/2006 2:21 pm

    Quoting LIBlonde97:
    Sister L...

    Awww thanks babe!

    He cooks other stuff well though... I think it's just roasts he has a problem with bc he has no attention span. He burned one the same way the very next week! (I didnt eat it that time though. Ack! Once is enough!)

    His french toast rules though!


LIBlonde97: Well, I guess now I have to make a firm plan to come to NZ; afterall, I too have been told that my French Toast rules.

We'll have to have a French Toast Cook-Off, or something like that. The loser has to go up in the Sky Tower and look down! Okay, maybe I am not that insane to risk that! Unless votes can be bought....

Blonde? How easy are you and those kids to financial persuasion? lol!

You two are adorable!

bardicman 50M

1/17/2006 2:24 pm

I heard he wasn't that good with his meat in the oven ..


I am not dead yet

rm_Bct2Esi 51M/50F
1375 posts
1/17/2006 2:32 pm

Oh my heaven you two are funny

I have always called it a manual, not a stick

hugs and smiles

boydcounty 67M

1/17/2006 4:26 pm

It wasn't burned. That's just the way kangaroo roast looks when it comes out of the oven. I'm suprised there is an actual oven. I thought bulgie used a fire pit.
U and he are AWESOME!!!


fantasia_shares 47M/43F
4164 posts
1/17/2006 6:56 pm

Alright, now we know the REAL reason the bulgy kids won't eat dinner at dad's house

You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !

Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!

And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]

Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!

romeoMEETSjuliet 52M/52F
162 posts
1/17/2006 8:00 pm

She says - I'm way impressed he had an oven and knew how to turn it on.

But I could never fault him for using the smoke detector as a meat thermometer. All those infomercials tell us to "set it and forget it" afterall. Then there's the issue of eleminating possible food poisoning. Don't consider the meal burned beyond recognition. Consider it exceptionally well sterilized. Now, if you could just squeeze him inside the broiler!

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
1/18/2006 7:28 am

Hmmm...maybe this would be a better weight loss method than his raw chicken.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

kyplowboy22 61M

1/22/2006 10:35 am

Lucretia Bulge....hummmmmmm, there's another blog in there somewhere! Thank God for bolona, eh? lmao. Later


Sweetest_Sin_Jes 36F

1/23/2006 6:25 pm

I think that is the sweetest thing! I wish I'd have been there! I like dry meat! I'm serious! Moist and tender meat is not my thing! I'm a very well done type of girl!

Ya'll are so cute!


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