I Googled My Ex.  

LilBlondeNZ 40F
1259 posts
11/8/2005 12:27 am
I Googled My Ex.

Have you ever Googled someone from your past?
What came of it?

The other night I was lying in bed...fighting insomnia.. my mind wandered back to when I was 18, triggered by something familiar I had seen that afternoon. I went back in my memories, recounting the significant men in my life so far....

To reminisce,
To remember,
To wonder...

Where are they now?

One person in particular stands out. A boy named Jonathan whom I loved with the complete abandon only possible when you're young, before you've learned to protect your heart. He had chin length, bright red hair and a million freckles... an actor, writer... he was truly my other half, my best friend, my obsession... however, he got into some trouble with drugs, and we broke up a year later because of it.

Three years later, he cleaned up and joined the Navy as a nuclear engineer at Ballston Spa. At that time, he found me, got back in touch and I went to go visit him in Saratoga Springs in late February 1997. We spent three days in bed, and it was like nothing bad had ever happened, and not a second had passed. In my memory, they were the most amazing 3 days of my life.

But I was engaged, and he was with someone else. We couldnt extricate ourselves from our pending commitments, and the reunion ended as quickly as it began. I remember to this day taking the Greyhound bus back down to college in NJ... looking out at the New York State Thruway passing by, a light snow's cadence matching tears, falling slowly from my eyes.

We never talked again. It's been 8 years.

I finally broke down tonight. I typed his name in the little rectangular text box... I felt my heart race just a little as I pressed "Search". I don't know what I was thinking I'd find... his last name is very common, but his middle name is unique. Nothing that matched him came up. Who knows... he's probably married with 4 kids or something.

Or maybe he's lying in bed, remembering me.

I'll never know, because I don't have the guts to pursue it.

Do you ever wonder about the ones you left behind?

Have you ever tried to reunite with a lost love?

Was it a success or a disaster?

Loosetooth 41M
1146 posts
11/8/2005 1:59 am

I have googled an ex. It was someone who mattered. Like you it was not something that was done as a progressive step (I love the term you use 'finally I broke down'). I do not think that when we Google an ex we are doing something healthy, rather we are hankering after a time that has gone and is irretrevable. Did I find my ex? No but I found the person she met after me! Are they still together? Dunno, hope so. They were nice people. Do I have the guts to find out? Well I do not look at it like that, more like I am sensible enough to realise that that part of my life is over and no good can come of me gate-crashing their lifes because I wish things had gone different. Getting older can be a hard thing. Missing something, that you did not value enough at the time, can be a hard thing. Trying to recapture what your past is impossible.

Now my case may not apply to your case. There is a chance that you man is out there staring at the Google box wondering where you are, but that is a lottery winning chance. What decides whether you pursue your ex is an examination of your motives. Are you oing this because you truly love him? Or are you doing this cause life is not so great right now and maybe he is the solution?. In one instance you are looking for him unselfishly and the other instance is selfish.

CumNgetMe2Day 50M

11/8/2005 3:36 am

Yes I've often wondered...even tried 2 locate unsuccessfully. Some things are meant to be that way. Maybe that box was never meant 2B re-opened. Past experiences and relationships are added ingredients that help you cook the perfect meal in the end. Cum enjoy my desert.

KMA5 40M
771 posts
11/8/2005 3:39 am

She gave me my first treasure, my daughter. We were never really on terms after she was born but I loved her still. We feel into each other last year and the feeling of comfort was still there. Unfortunately, it was a disaster. She hadn't changed a bit and was still as horrid as when we parted ways. How can such a great person have become so secluded and selfish? (No, it wasn't my fault)

bulging_boy 49M

11/8/2005 3:58 am

It's kinda spooky when we can google someone dontcha think?

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
11/8/2005 7:00 am

Loosetooth- I absolutely agree 100%... although I've thought about him over the years, I think I tend to more when I'm disatisfied with my current array of romantic involvements... "Why can't it be like it was back then...???" And of course I remember all the good things... the nights together and the plans we made, how we talked all night and ordered in, the way he gave me his coat and kissed my neck... never the parts at the end where I bailed him out of jail, when he spent all his money on drugs and forgot my birthday, when he hit me...

Sure he's a changed person since joining the Navy, but I think it's more of a myopic nostalgia, than a true desire to want to get back together. If I'm not with someone, there's usually a pretty good reason... why force circumstances that would only remind us both of what that reason is? And certainly I would never want to intrude on the life he created after we parted ways. I don't think I would contact him even if his name and all his contact info magically popped onto the screen. True... you usually can't recapture the past. And who knows if we would even get along at all? I'm certainly a completely different person than I was 5 motnhs ago, 2 years ago... and certainly 8 years ago.

I think it's curiosity, coupled with a simultaneous altruistic hope that he's happy, maybe married with the family he always wanted... and secret selfish hope that I still occupy even a little part of his heart, which was, at one time, completely mine.

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
11/8/2005 7:10 am

CumNGetMe... Yes- our past shapes us into the people we are today... without those experiences, both good and bad, I would never be as confident... confident in school, in work, in friendships, online, in the bedroom... I would never be living as I do, writing as I do, still believing that the future is bright. The past men in my lives should be jealous of the ones that are yet to come... for they will get to benefit from all the little personal growth spurts spurred on by the past few years of hardship. The saying is true...there's no time like the present.

KMA5- Wow, what a story... too bad it didnt work out... but at least you know for sure now that you're not meant to be. you can close the book and put in up on the shelf.

bulging- YES! It actaully is scary that you can get info on someone so easily. I actually Googled myself and was amused and a little alarmed with the information that came up. Of course, being divorced, I have different last names so pretty much no casual inquirer would be able to find out much... but someone on a mission could find me pretty easily with a little legwork. Yikes!

eastend79 38M

11/8/2005 2:39 pm

I've tried a few times, and thankfully I was unsuccessfull. I don't want to remember the past I had when I lacked confidence or sure footing. I prefer to forget about all of that and just look forward to the future...

(Juan S)
2642 posts
11/9/2005 7:55 am

Hmm...There are people in my past that are etched on my soul...

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
11/9/2005 2:08 pm

EE- youre right... i certainly dont thin I'd want to go back in time... I'm thinking about writing off my 20's as a complete disaster... a "total loss" in insurance terms... good thing I have another decade starting soon. Moving forward isn't as easy, but is more productive I think.

Trav.. Haha... I wouldn't doubt it!!!! Next Post: Ode to Bulging Boy's Kiwi... I feel inspiration already.... lol


toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
11/10/2005 7:25 am

Do you ever wonder about the ones you left behind? YES, QUITE OFTEN

Have you ever tried to reunite with a lost love? YES, SEVERAL TIMES.

Was it a success or a disaster? SOMETIMES YES, MOSTLY NO.

Nice blog, btw...

See you soon.

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