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He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You
My friend Meg is torturing herself over some stupid man. Why? I don't know. Sure, he seems nice, very handsome, great in bed, nice body, great smile, good job, blah blah blah. Calls her and texts her all the time. But he stood her up last night. No explanation, no call. Then called today (at 12:30 pm) to say "I'm sorry I forgot it was last night that you and your friends were going out".
And she just called me all happy that he called to tell her so: "I was so glad he called... I was worried!" (Argh.... Meg you're being an idiot...)
Does she forget that just 12 hours ago we were doing "Men Suck" shots at the bar and she was complaining to me how he was such a jerk? No, she doesn't forget. She's just OK with making excuses in her brain in order to hold onto a non-relationship, so she doesn't have to say she's alone. It's always hard on the ego to admit straight out to yourself that someone's stringing you along... you are his "Back Burner", "Ms. Right Now", "Second String" girlfriend, until something better comes along, you'll do. I had heard enough, so I finally told her...
"He's just not that into you, so get over it and find someone new."
And I hurt her feelings and I felt bad. She hung up on me saying she had errands to do. I knew it had to sting to hear it from me so bluntly. But she called me back 2 hours later and said I was right. Because I am. She was afraid to admit she's alone. Puhleeze.. like there won't be anyone else? Every other person on this earth is a guy. They are everywhere!
There's a book that came out that my other friend read that was entitled "He's Just Not That Into You". I read 2 chapters- it's hysterical. It's written by a guy and some chick, and it summarizes my whole philosophy on dating and relationships. The chapters are all things that I've said or thought at one time or another. I was a master master bullshitter in my former existance. I can spot crap a mile away.
1. "If He's Not Calling You, He's Just Not that Into You"
He forgot his phone=bullshit.
He didn't get your voicemail=bullshit.
He accidentally erased your number in his call log=bullshit.
He forgot to call=bullshit.
He fell asleep=bullshit.
If he wants to talk to you, he will. If he doesn't call, he didn't want to talk to you that badly.
2. "If He's Not Asking You Out, He's Just Not That Into You"... e.g.
"He's just shy"= bullshit excuse (plus means he has no balls)
"There's No Reason A Girl Can't Ask a Guy To Hang Out"= bullshit wrapped in pseudo-feminism.
"He Just Got Out Of A Relationship"=bullshit
"He's Not Really Looking For A Serious Relationship"= He's not looking for a serious relationship with you.
Guys run most countries and corporations. They can pick up a friggin phone and say "Let me take you out Saturday night". And if he can't, he's a pussy and doesn't deserve you. Or he just doesn't care.
3. "If He's Married/ Engaged/ Has a Girlfriend/ Is living with someone/ Has someone else on his mind... He's Just Not That Into You"
If he wanted to be with you, he would be. End of story. Stop making excuses for his lameness. Find someone else who is free to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Stop settling for afternoon trysts in motel rooms, and going out to dinner the on February 13th or February 15th.
4. "If He Broke Up With You, He's Just Not that Into You"
"He's just scared of commitment"= usually bullshit, and if he truly is a commitmentphobe- he needs to work out his underlying issues on his own. Plus he's pussy.
"He Made a Mistake"= Yes, he did. The mistake was that he didn't appreciate you and forgot to figure out that there wasnt anyone else out there better than you BEFORE he broke up with you. Now he's looked around, can't find anyone else that will put up with him, and wants to come home. Do you really want to be that girl? No.
5. "If He Doesn't Want To Marry You, He's Just Not That Into You"
"He doesn't believe in marriage"=bullshit. And do you really want to be with someone so cyncial?
"He is divorced, and doesn't want to go through that again" = bullshit. If he really thought he wanted to be with you forever, it wouldn't be an issue because the possibility of a second divorce would be remote in his mind. Editor's Note: I say that all the time- it means "I don't think you're someone I could want to be with forever"
"Financially it's just not feasible"= bullshit. People in 3rd world countries who's yearly income is $23 get married all the time.
When a man is truly in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life by your side, nothing will stand in his way. If he doesn't want to get married (or specifically marry you), and you want to settle down, move on.
6. "If He Doesn't Want To Have Sex With You, He's Just Not That Into You."
"He's just tired"= bullshit. I can see a night here or there after working a particularly long day, but 3 months? Come on now.... He's not in love with you anymore, or he's cheating on you. Or both.
"I've Gained Some Weight/ Got Bad Haircut/ Insert Any Other Low Self Esteem Excuse Here" = bullshit. If you gained 50 pounds, maybe there would be an issue. If you had disfiguring burns to 80% of your body, maybe. But if a guy loves you and really thinks you're hot- he will not be able to keep his hands off you.
"He has issues with intimacy"= usually bullshit. And let him work out his issues on his own, not on your time. Find someone else who can't get enough of you.
If he's in love with you, and you give him the green light, you'll be having sex. All the time. Period. You'll spend entire days in bed. You'll call in sick to work. You'll order take out. I mean come on.... these are MEN you're dealing with.
Women of the world. Stop making excuses. He's either into you, or he's not. If he's not, just admit it to yourself and move on. Not every guy I meet is into me. Do I call him 10 times to change his mind? No. Fuck'im. Do I email him? No. Do I text him all day? No. Because if he wanted me, he knows where to find me. When a guy is into you, you know it. You never have to wait for a call. You never have to ask "When do you want to hang out?". Maybe this sounds anti-feminist, but it's not. It a word to all women to stop debasing your self worth for a relatioship that's less than true. You deserve better.
If he's "just not that into you", get over it. Find someone new.
9/24/2005 11:15 am
Rock on! I love this dating philosophy and have adhered to the rules for some time now. I haven't officially read the book (only have heard 3rd hand and read bits and pieces) but I have to say it was really enlightening. |
Recently someone I was dating was making excuses for not getting in touch with me (he was swamped at work and his computer had been down for a few days... lol- it was bullshit). He seemed a little befuddled when I didn't get upset or take it personally. I simply said, "hey, it's no big thing. If you had wanted to spend time with me you would have made it happen. Really, don't give it a second thought! No hard feelings, but I am not interested in spending any more time with you".
This apparently was the first time that he had a woman deal with him in this way... and he is struggling with how to conduct himself now.
EMPOWERMENT... is a beautiful thing.
9/25/2005 9:29 pm
Good for you, Watchme...!|
I'm not a "rules" girl perse... im a just a chick who doesnt fool herself anymore. I see my friends hanging on for the scraps they're thrown... pitiful....
Who has the time? Good luck on your search for a REAL man...
10/1/2005 3:47 pm
OK I can see most of that's true - but some of those rules are just gonna kill any interest he has in you in the first place.|
I love asking girls out, I like the excitement you get when you make that phone call, and I'll show how much i love someone I'm with, and yes, I realise that a lot of your list does consist of excuses men make when they can't be bothered...
But I LOVE it when women show they're interested too. I'll phone a girl and ask her out, arrange and find something cool to do, but I'd LOVE it if just occasionally I'd be the one being asked out, or the one being taken somewhere (and not as token boyfreind). It's not me being faux-feminist, like it says in your list, I just want to know that if I feel that wasy about someone and want to have fun with them, that theyre thinking the same thing...
And sometimes over-eagerness CAN scare people away, so maybe occasionally I should wait a couple of days before calling..
Women commit 90% of the crimes in your list, which is why it's so great when you find one who DOES respond to your texts and who calls back when they see they've missed your call..