He's "Unhappily Married"...  

LilBlondeNZ 40F
1259 posts
9/8/2005 9:26 am
He's "Unhappily Married"...

So I called it... re: my last post "I'm Not Sure About This One". I knew here was something definitely sketchy about the situation, and it ended up being the classic "BTW... I'm married" scenario...

Was I shocked? No.
Was I angry? No.
Was I disappointed. Yes. Very. Because I thought I could have really had something with this guy...
I'm already more attached to this person than I intended on being. I literally felt sick when he told me the news, and actually let a few tears slip out on the drive home. (i know... Ridiculous!) I've been thinking about him all last night and today... I don't really know what to do. In my heart, I want to continue to see him.. in my head, I'm thinking I'd be a complete idiot to do that.

I have my own opinion, but I don't exactly trust my own biased judgement on this one. My emotions are completely clouding my rational thought process (not uncommon). So I have a continuing poll going of all my friends- I may as well include my online friend in the fray:

Have you been involved with someone who's married?

Does it make a difference if they truly seem unhappy?

How many truly unhappily married men really leave their wives?

Do you believe in morals & karmic implications of dating a married man?

There's also an added dimension to this story- I was very unhappily married.. and left my husband for someone else with whom I was very happy with for 3 years... Is my own experience clouding my perception of the situation? Am I giving a little undue empathy to someone to justify my past choices as "right" in my own head...?

What do you think? I dunno...

digdug41 49M

9/8/2005 10:16 am

I fit that unhappily married scenario but I have young children who need me and there mother so I just deal with it and it would be nice to find someone on the side but its not a reality because of those feelings poping up like you mentioned in your blog so I just deal with it but in here it seems its ok for a married woman to have fun on the side? I guess it depends on the guy but for a guy I've been getting shot down soon as they see married so I changed it because if it has nothing to do with the playmate who responds then they just dont need to know about it thats just my personal feeling after all it is a sex site and I'm looking for a lil exercise on the side not a long term relationship wrong site fot it

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

GoodMorningBrew 51M

9/8/2005 10:53 am

I'll give you my personal opinion based on the fact that I'm one of those unhappy married men.

Everybody in the world is a little bit different than everyone else. But until I find that other person I am looking for, I will stay put. Granted she is great in bed (twice a month if I'm lucky and don't piss her off), and that is one of the reasons I married her 19 years ago. I have learned one thing, never marry someone who is NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. Another words, don't marry someone or fall for someone in your case, because of sex. Sex is a lonely road.

rm_dizzyandfun 48F
752 posts
9/8/2005 11:12 am

You have to ask yourself..why did it take him so long to tell you??

rm_shay7637 53F
3 posts
9/8/2005 11:16 am

i wish you all would quit missing around with married men, i'm one of those wifes that has been hurt and so has my children, with you its a game to see if you could win his heart, but you forget about the wife and the children you are hurting..

rm_FUQANDUS2 42M/43F

9/8/2005 11:29 am

Well, I was actually the recipent of this type of scenario. Life was great, or so I thought. My husband has never been a huge sleeper, always on the internet playing poker, so I never thought anything of it. Never sensed any difference. He met someone here (AdultFriendFinder), and the next thing I know, I get a phone call at work regarding the situation. I know that at the time, he truly cared for this other woman (I prefer to call her "the mold" because she always seems to find her way back even though she's "gone"). I am sure that our situation is much different than most, so I somewhat understand why it occurred, however, I don't agree with it. Once it all came out in the open (he and "the mold"), it helped us identify some areas in our marriage that needed work. Now we are here. Ultimately, it put us back on track (even though I never knew we were off track).

Personally, I think it best for the unfortunate person, who didn't know the other was married, to leave well enough alone. Ask up front to find out if they are married, and if they say no and you find out differently, they really aren't worth the tears. It is never a good idea to get involved with a married individual, man or woman, happily or unhappily...someone is going to get hurt, and I guarantee you, the person doing the cheating isn't thinking about that.

MiAmore62 49M

9/8/2005 11:44 am

Well, my personal opinion is that you should write me...then maybe eventually jump on the ferry........ cmon....write me! YES........ i am SINGLE! and right off the ferry....

rm_pchamp012004 55M
2672 posts
9/8/2005 12:02 pm

Anyone, male or female that allows a partner to get involved in a relationship with them without first disclosing their marital status is a cad. I don't care if they are happily or unhappily married. LIBlonde, drop him and drop him quick. This will only cause unneeded drama in your life and life is too short for that.

Good Luck

overworkedloon 56M
400 posts
9/8/2005 12:09 pm

Nope no cheating spouses for me. One reason I never got married was because I didn't want to end up in the middle of a divorce. If I don't want to be in the middle of my own divorce, I sure don't want to be in the middle of someone else's.

luciousleggs44 56F
2 posts
9/8/2005 12:14 pm

yes, My Dear.....I have too, been involved with this same situation!....4 yrs ago....I was involved with a married man here on this very site...Then, I was only looking for sex, but yes, my feelings got the best of me, even tho I knew he would never leave and did I ever ask him too...No, I didnt...He was very unhappy, and I cherished everytime I got to see him...He was such a loving, careing man...and yes, I did fall in love with him, knowing we could never be together until his son was of age, which will be in 3 yrs now...but just 2 yrs ago, she left him, they divorced...as we still talked and were such great friends,,,He never cared about me the way I cared about him, but was always a wonderful man to me....When his wife left him...and we were still talking, but not seein each other....We had always planned our life after his son got of age...for us to be together....only if I were still single...yes, i was and still am single...but I still knew he didnt love me like one was suppose to love another....and one day I recieved an email...knowing it hurt him to write me only to say goodbye...like the good man he was and still is...He hated hurting me, but knew we would never be....so he said goodbye and told me that he hoped I would find true happiness like I really deserved...He never meant to hurt me, and vowed to me that he would always care about me, but I know that same feeling he felt...Ive been in that same situation...so yes, I did understand his feelings....even tho, I loved him so and still do....I would never go back and allow him to hurt me like that again....Ive had so much bad luck with dating, and I feel that this is payback time for me....for being with someone elses man, I've learned my lesson...and hope you will have learned yours also....its not worth the heartache my dear....theres plenty of single GOOD men out there!....the problem is finding them!...I wish you all the very best and luck you deserve too!

KMA5 40M
771 posts
9/8/2005 1:22 pm

I don't think there is any reason to berate or encourage you. You CANNOT control who you fall in love with. The fact that he didn't give you all the factors right off sucks,alot, but now the ball is in your court.
You can go through this next chunk of your life thinking Budha will punish you later by making you a stink bug or that your neighbors will look at you cross-eyed or you can do what you feel is right. There is no guilt involved with what you did. Now that you know that he cannot offer you anything substantial until he is divorced, you can determine where you are headed and what your next move

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 2:08 pm

Wow wow wow... it seems that "unhapilly married" is a hot topic of discussion today... Just a few thoughts in reply to all the really good posts so far today.

Digdug41- I think you touched on something... there seems to be a little bit of a double standard... is it more acceptable for wives to cheat than husbands? If a guy cheats, he's a bastard. Period. If a woman cheats... she's "trapped by circumstance", "helpless", "has no other choice", "needs attention", "needs to feel loved and wanted" ... Why is there more sympathy for women who cheat? Because womean are inherent more decent and in order to cheat they must have truly been driven to it? I don't know about that. There's a whole bunch of porn and sites that revolve around the concept of the bored and or desperate housewife... usually drawing on some kind of assunption that they truly are "stuck" in an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage without the same power to leave. But is that really the case? We don't feel bad for men who are "stuck" in unhappy marriages... in fact its almost implausible that they are actually "stuck".. we just always assume they can leave if they really wanted to without a problem. And I'm not sure that's any more of a fair assumption...

As far as not telling the people you meet youre married... I'm not one to judge. If you truly feel that all your relationships are purely sexual, then I guess you dont see the need to give out extra information that would only serve to hurt the person youre cheating with.... although Im quite sure the main motivation is that chick won't reply to emails from guys who have "married" checked off on the profile. Then again this is essentially a sex personals site- what do people really expect? Youre right about that.

GoodMorningBrew- You are right on. Although Ive had men propose to me after having sex with me, I certainly can see the case against saying "I Do" based on chemistry. Chemistry fades.. friendship is forever.

Dizzyandfun- Yes, that was my first question back to him. He replied that he didnt really think that we would be anything other than maybe just a chance meeting, or a one night stand, and once he realized how much he liked me as a person, he felt caught up in the lie. To be fair, after I knew that he had feelings for me, he did tell me right away that there was something he was not being honest with me about and just needed to figure out how to tell me (which is that point that I pretty much figured it out for myself). I think I was more disappointed in that he didnt trust me enough to tell me right away, more than the actual news itself.

Shay7637- I'm feeling that you're a little jugemental without knowing all the facts, but you're certainly entitled to your opinion. A) I didnt know he was married, I'm not someone who chases married men nor do I list it as a pastime-I just happen to attract them for some reason C) there are no children involved.

FUQANDUS2- Very interesting sitation and I value your unique point of view. To have been on the other side of the table, and have moved past that to try and fix the actual problem in your marriage rather than blame the other women is rare and commendable. I absolutely will take your advice to heart.

MiAmore62- What? Single? I was starting to think that there were so such people on this site.... Bridgeport to Port Jeff takes only 2 hours...

Broah- Yet another interesting perspective; your story is a common one and I sympathize without judging. This is why I have a certain amount of doubt about the feasibility of being with one person forever... people change, and relationships change with them, new challenges come up, circumstances change... its very difficult for me to understand how 2 people withstand all of that and the inordinate amount of pressure modern day life exerts on us. I know it's daunting to me, maybe I'm just cynical...maybe I'm realistic. I dont know. Your point about intimacy and sex not being the same thing is right on. I've had some great sex this summer, but I'm at the point where I dont want to entertain thoughts of repeating the experience with that person if there was no intimacy or connection involved... Sex itself is boring to me without the magnetism that draws 2 people together.

pchamp012004- Yours is the response most of my girlfriends have given... BTW are YOU married? Hmmmm.......

Overworkedloon- I agree. Let's say I stick by him and wait it out and he actually does leave her...Although I surely would not be the "cause" per se of the divorce, I certainly would be involved with someone who would be going a really tough time. Going through my own divorce was tough enough, do I really want to go through someone else's? Yeah, I dont know.... Plus wouldn't it taint our relationship as having been a product of something so painful?

Thanks guys and girls for you input- I look forward to many more insightful responses on this issue....they are very helpful.


LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 2:53 pm

d3bustywoman blue - Your post is kickass! In fact it makes ME want to kick some ass! LOL You are right and your rationale = what my mind says... if only the rest of me agreed... I miss him already in my heart, and the rest of my body is disappointed because the sex was friggin unbelievable....

I know, I know... that shouldnt be the deciding factor....

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 2:56 pm

luciousleggs44- what a sad story! But it looks like youre over it... Thanks for the encouragement!

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 3:02 pm

KMA5- Thanks for not being judgemental... one of the main reasons I blogged this recent conundrum is that I found a lot of my girlfriends to be very judgemental about the situation without even wanting to know the whole story involved or trying to examine the circumstances. I knew my more liberal-minded online community would give me another perspective on the situation.

I'm the first one to admit I'm way tooo nice to people. I dont want to be taken advantage of, but yet I am very reticent to close the door on potential.... the question is potential for what? Nobody knows... it could be potential for disaster, or potential for something cool to development. There are no guanrantee's in life, and I'm just wondering which way I should hedge my bet...

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 3:12 pm

Funrall- I hear ya.... although I'm not quite so sure I can make a good call as to whether he's really thinking about leaving or he's just bullshitting me in order to gain sympathy so I'll accept the situation. He doesn't seem like a wimp, so I would not be surprised if he did just up and leave. They dont have kids, they've been married a relatively short time, and they dont have joint assets. Then again, he seems to be feeling pretty guilty about breaking things off so I wouldn't be surprised if it took him a long time. (although if he knows he doesn't love her, I think he shouldnt waste her time- that's just adding insult to eventual injury)

I can't call it, but I dont think I would wait around that's for sure....

I dont think its the "sharing" part that bothers me so much as the lack of respect I would have for him if he stayed seeing how miserable he seems. It takes balls to leave your spouse... but I did it (and I'm not even a man). I think if you're truly not happy and there are no other complicating factors such as children... I think the decisions pretty simple- the logistics are what need to be worked out in my opinion. So I think I would definitely be biased in that regard....

rm_cinnamonroad 58M

9/8/2005 3:55 pm

I, too, am married and this is the last place I'd ever thought I'd end up. My wife and I have been married almost 20 years, We have three kids and a peaceful, stable home in which they thrive. But, like one of the other posters warned, never marry someone who is not your best friend. She and I made that mistake. For the last six or seven years she has insisted she wants no sex or affection. She has stopped doing anything alone with me even though I've pleaded with her. I've talked and talked and tried to make this work. But the reality is, we just don't have that deep connection that enables intimacy. And I need that in my life. Will I leave her? I want to when the kids are old enough to handle it. For now, I hope to meet a woman in a similar situation who understands and doesn't want to turn her life upside down right now, either. I realize my chances of finding her are slim, and I'm going to be honest with anyone who contacts me. But I'm not here to hurt her. I'm here to fill a void in my life. Finding a lover on the side may actually help us stay together long enough to get the kids raised. As for my lover's feelings, I realize that playing around with the heart is dangerous and I'm definitely not into stringing someone along with false promises, but who knows. If we really connect and our relationship grows, it is very possible I would leave my wife for her. Just not now. And I am willing to honor her wish to not leave her family.

redmustang91 57M  
8657 posts
9/8/2005 4:21 pm

My views are based on my experience as a married and cheating husband. I love my wife and will probably not leave her. I am bored with our sex life and her much lower interest in sex and experimenting. I am looking for recreational sex for mutual pleasure. I have pretty close to zero guilt about it. I do not expect anyone to fall in love with me and I do not expect to fall for her. I think if I was single I would prefer a single, but there are advantages to a married guy. What percentage of the guys you date or have sex with will you marry? For most women that would be a small percentage. So what difference does his status make? Also surveys claim 80% of men and 60% of women admit to infidelity. My guess is the actual munbers are somewhat higher. As for morality, if mammals were meant to be monagamous all animals would be, and my understanding is that virtually none studied are. Divorce hurts kids and couples, but long term a non-loving marriage is very hard. Good luck in whatever you decide. Generally I am more successful with a married woman who also wants to cheat! Is that ok? It is to me.

madkitten 53F
291 posts
9/8/2005 4:24 pm

Its never black or white though, everyone has different circumstances and you never know whats round the corner. Im still married, but seperated I have stated on my profile the details of marriage. I havent yet done anything other than chat with people on here, but thats not to say I wouldnt. I also recently contacted an ex-boyfriend, 1st love call him what you like, and when we 1st had contact it was just chat, he is happily married with kids, and it has now progress that we are exchanging sex texts, does his wife know, she knows that we have contact but other than that I have no idea, do I feel guilty YES, would I meet him if he asked me, 3 months ago NO, now YES, could I stop texting him, I should but I cant, I have deleted his number off my phone, but still cant stop, does this make me a bad person, YES according to my brain, but my heart is running the ball game on this one, I just hope we never have the chance to meet, No i dont, I want us to meet and dislike each other on sight, then it will stop, I hope.

Not quite the same circumstances as yours LIBlonde97 as I knew he was married as soon as we had contact, but the heart is a funny thing, its why five_speeds heart vs brain log affected me so much.

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/8/2005 7:31 pm

Yet more personal and interesting responses.... this kinda thing is never easy.

Then again it might not be an issue for me to decide anyway... he might decide he's had enough fun or get scared back to the straight and narrow (for a few weeks or months at least). Happens all the time...

I think my final verdict is that I'll just sit back and chill. This whole thing isn't really under my control. I can be a friend and we'll see what happens....

LIBlonde97 40F
1028 posts
9/9/2005 8:35 am

RedMustang91- I think you're views are not unique, sex is sex and nothing more... I do not think people are meant to be monogamous their whole lives- I just don't see how its possible. Unless you really work at it with your spouse and put forth a genuine effort to overcome intervening obstacles to intimacy such as having kids and all that...

But there's a rush that comes from being with someone new that cannot be replicated with someone you've been with 1,5,10,20 years... Even as a single girl, I relish new sex with someone I really am getting to like, but dont quite love yet. It's a high that is better than any drug.

Madkitten- On one sie I hope it works out and you meet and have some really hot sex... on the other hand, you know that if you did -it could never just be a purely physical relationship. Plus the addictive nature of the whole think is just going to end up bad for you... Argh! I hope everything works out! Good luck....


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