How t o Handel An Asshole!!!!  

92 posts
7/16/2006 6:50 pm

Last Read:
7/17/2006 7:20 pm

How t o Handel An Asshole!!!!

Have you ever had one of those days when EVERYTHING goes wrong? Here is the cure: (Passed around the net many, many times)

For all of you who occasionally have a bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Do not take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DO NOT know. Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a telephone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?” I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the telephone was slammed down on me! I could not believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin`s correct number and called her She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You`re an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his telephone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a bad day, I would call him up. He would answer, and then I would yell, "You`re an asshole!” It would always cheer me up. Later in the year, the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I`m just calling to see if you`re familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the telephone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That`s because you`re an asshole!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there is ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I did not think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she is finally leaving. All of a sudden, a black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling; "You can`t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he did not even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is an asshole. There sure are many assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I am at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the telephone after calling 555- 4863 and yelling, "You`re a asshole!” (It is easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the telephone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and I thought I had better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It`s a yellow house and the car`s parked right out front." I said, "What`s your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When`s a good time to catch you, Don?" "I`m home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you`re an asshole!" And I slammed the telephone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen`s number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just was not as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my telephone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You`re an asshole!” but I did not hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.” He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What`s your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?"“ 1802 West 34th Street. It`s a yellow house and my black Camaro`s parked out front." “ I am coming over right now, Don. You`d better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I`m really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Asshole! “ He said, "If I ever find out who you are...""You`ll what?” “ I`ll kick your butt.” “ Well, here is your chance. I`m coming over right now Asshole!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the telephone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.

2943 posts
7/16/2006 8:00 pm

That's really funny...
I'll have to try that...oh wait I can't call my baby's Daddy,
he's in jail!! Oh well I'm sure I can find some other Asshole that will answer their phone...I'm thinking maybe the boss who fired me?


rm_Ellenback 58F
966 posts
7/16/2006 8:03 pm

OMG this is hilarious! I'm sure missing the days prior to Caller ID, although now we can *69, and now they'd be calling the telephone company to block your number and charge you with harrassment!

But I still loved it!



rm_PhxPhatChick 58F
202 posts
7/16/2006 8:18 pm

too funny!!

smirkingdevil 48M
237 posts
7/16/2006 8:57 pm

That was a pretty darn satisfying story. Tell us this all really happened, PLEASE!

rm_KKarebear 46F
27 posts
7/16/2006 10:02 pm

Thank you... I needed the laugh.


MWWwantmore 51F

7/17/2006 4:37 pm

LMAO I LOVE this one lol

I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!

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