|Blogs > KunningLingual1 > Playing With My Food|
Irregular thoughts...and testimonials!
Irregular thoughts...and testimonials!
Perhaps I need more fiber...and no, I don't own a monkey, but that picture cracks me up!
Or perhaps I should start being one of those lame bloggers (what, lame bloggers? perish the thought!) who post about the weather (wow, hot in Texas in August, who'd a thunk it?) or bad drivers.
OK, let's talk testimonials: the good, the bad and the ugly.
The bad: The overwhelming majority of testimonials, the random nonsense written by people clear across the country from the recipient extolling how hot the tetimonee is. Wow, useful stuff there kids! "She is so hot she makes me hard." What are you testifying about, a picture or a profile? Ever think the rest of have figured that part out as well? Do any guys ever actually get laid because some lady is so grateful they've left a testimonial that she decides to give them a mercy fuck?
There are a few women who do the same thing, especially for the guys with the photoshopped ... errrr, I mean giant penis pictures. "Ohh, I can't wait to feel that monster slide down my throat." Hey Miss Lonely Heart, any luck with King Dong getting back to you on that one?
The ugly: I've seen them before, but can't find one now ... the testimonial obviously written by the person whose profile it really is. If you see one, let me know. The scenario is generally a guy who brags about his incredible prowess in his profile. After a while of no action, he creates a female profile who immediately gives the guy a raving testimonial. The only thing is these guys aren't too bright, so there tend to be a bunch of similar spelling and grammatical mistakes. The "lady" leaving the glowing testimonial is easy to spot because she's only on AdultFriendFinder/Passion long enough to allegedly be serviced by the stud in question.
The even uglier: There's this one clown out of the Dallas area who fancies himself quite the expert on pleasing the ladies. However, I think he's just been reading Penthouse Forum a lot and thinks it's all accurate. This man of the islands writes this EXACT same very long "testimonial" to lots of different women he's never met (okay, paragraphs and white space clipped so it can fit):
"I'll make sure you are dripping wet before any thought of penetration. Touchy feely foreplay will start our experience of pleasure. I'll make love to you so slow you will feel every little movement we make. You will feel every twitch and move my cock makes and I will feel every tiny twitch your pussy makes while engulfing me. This will sensually heighten your excitement and pleasure. Your first orgasm will cum before I penetrate you. Clit and G spot orgasms will follow each other quickly after first penetration. You will have all the time you need for me to ride you and for you to ride on top to control all of your orgasms and how long they will last and how many. Time is not an issue with my stamina; take as long as you want. I'm there for you! I will not cum till you have been totally satisfied!"
What a cut and paste genius! Hey bucko, while a lot of those things are good ideas, any guy who knows what to do with a woman understands those are some nice starting points, but to guarantee responses is ridiculous. Believe it or not, different women respond differently to stimulation! And exactly how this rambling little bit of generic erotica is supposed to represent a "testimonial" is beyond me.
One friend of mine wrote the clown back after he left his standard testimonial for her and told him that really wasn't the sort of stuff she wants, and that it was pretty ridiculous to leave as a testimonial. He then blogged about it, his manly feelings hurt: "I write testimonials that would make any woman wet with excitement. After writing and posting a Testimonial for this woman, she had the gaul to write me and explain what she really wanted in it. Took the words right out of my mouth and changed them to what she wanted to be in print. Well let me say this I write the Testimonial. If it were not for the people that think you are a goddess, you would not get even a thought of praise. So asking us to make changes in what you want everyone to read about you is telling us who write it just how phony you really are. If any of you that write Testimonials have come across people like this, send your post and be heard. I'm tired of hearing this crap from these wanna be goddesses!!!!!!!!"
So he can't spell "gall", he thinks she's a goddess, and he KNOWS what he writes gets ALL women wet (if his keyboard does that just imagine the power of his cunning tongue!) She disagrees with him, and he accuses her of trying to rewrite his "testimonial." It's NOT a real testimonial, buttnugget! It's your fucking fantasy! This assclown is so convinced he's god's gift to women that he imagines they are all little automatons waiting to have their buttons pushed in a mechanical manner by this master of the manly arts.
The good: the REAL testimonials. You can tell if you read them...but they're not as funny! But they are more informative and generally more realistically sexy than cut and paste drivel.
SO...leave real testimonials people! No more bullshit testimonials about people you've never met and will never meet! If you meet a person and have something nice to say, SAY IT! If you have mean things to say, feel free to say it as well as words of warning, but remember, those testimonials get removed.
8/16/2005 12:31 pm
You are SO funny! And quite correct! You know what I always wanted to tell that island guy? That when you leave a testimonial,you aren't supposed to almost entirely talk about YOURSELF! SHEESH!|
I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted. ~~~Mae West
12/22/2005 4:28 pm
This is great! Thanks for making my day!|
12/24/2005 12:30 am
hey where did Lady Fantasy get that copy of my photo from??|
any way... I have received emails (I do get a few letters, can you believe it)...from one lovely man three times... exactly the same...... first one I fell for... "thanks, but No thanks"... 2nd and 3rd, very evidently a form letter can you believe it?... file 13 ... tyvm..and I go to a lot of pain thinking up ways to say 'no thanks' with out blowing someones ego off the planet
and then... from the beautiful boy that is younger than my youngest daughter..... jeeezzzzzzzze, why me? Do I look like I am that needy.... which I maybe, but not for that prime jail bait.
I would much rather see an intelligent face, unless there are strange and delightful things happening in my head when I see a picture of Mr Happy... afterall I am only human... and a bit needy , oops I said that already...
Have a wonderful Holidays....