Not Feelin' It  

Knot4Everyone 40F
734 posts
5/16/2006 5:36 pm

Last Read:
5/21/2006 8:14 pm

Not Feelin' It

A few weeks ago I was out and about on a Saturday night, alone. I stopped by a pub to have a drink and ended up talking with the guy next to me for most of the night. He was polite and kind. He was the type who could have a good time anywhere, doing anything. I was never nervous around him at all - in fact I was as comfortable around him as I am with old friends. Though he had many good qualities, I was not attracted to him or interested in him for anything other than a friend, and he seemed to be on the same page as me.

A few nights later I met up with him at a different pub. We had a bite to eat and a couple of drinks (I literally had only two drinks), all the while talking. All of a sudden he asked if I would consider being his girlfriend. As kindly and honestly as I could, I told him no. I told him that I wasn't interested in that at all.

He seemed okay with that, saying that we can just be friends and hang out from time to time. We went on with regular conversation, when a short while later he began telling me that I really should be his girlfriend. He listed all of his qualities and all the reasons why I should reconsider. I explained to him again that I just wasn't interested, and cut the night short.

We talked on the phone a few times after that night - nothing special, just chit-chat really. On a few occasions he would send me text message after text message, asking what I was doing and inviting me for drinks. I started to feel a bit creeped out, and didn't respond.

Well, I just got off the phone with him. He wanted me to meet him for a drink to celebrate a promotion he just received. I congratulated him and declined the offer.

Here's the thing: He's a nice guy and I know he really likes me, but I don't like him. I feel bad about this! I'm just not feelin' it, and I can't pretend that I do. I have tried honesty and for some odd reason it hasn't seemed to work. I'll figure it out one way or another, but I still feel really bad about turning him down...

When a great person is interested in you but you're not interested in them, how do you handle it? Do you try to let them down gently? Do you turn into a complete bitch? Do you say "to heck with it" and give it a shot anyway, thinking maybe this person will grow on you? What do you do?


Twister2bed 47M
617 posts
5/16/2006 7:01 pm

hehe the guys an axe murderer and a stalker he is standing behind you right now.

LOOK OUT DUCK

In reality I can't advise you there I really suck at telling someone I'm not interested normally I just tell them I don't feel the same way the most polite gentile way I can and if that doesn't work I avoid them like the plague.
Just pepper spray the guy already


LearningOne1973 43M

5/16/2006 7:54 pm

I'm not the best person to be giving out dating advice, but being a "nice guy" who's been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I'm going to suggest you say "to heck with it" and try giving it a shot anyway. You like the guy, you're just not feeling chemistry, right.? Maybe, the chemistry will come with time? Feelings come and go. Just be up front with him that you're giving it a shot, but he has to accept the final verdict whether it's in his favor or not.

Oh yeah, as Twister2bed suggested, bring some pepper spray! Just in case!


toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
5/16/2006 8:02 pm

I never, NEVER give it a shot if my instinct warns me against it.
I am polite, but firm.
You should by no means feel bad. You have no obligation to date him or even see him again. You had a couple of drinks together and some conversation. That by no means constitutes any commitment on your behalf.
Smile. Wish him well. Move on.


Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
5/16/2006 11:16 pm

What do I do?

Two Words:

Airhorn!

lol

Grow on you?? Shaaaa....and Victoria Secrets Angels will fly outt mah butt!!

(YESS....you CAN keept that lovely image for your mental scrapbook....I don't mind in the least...just pay me for the priveledge! )

Seriously, you can never ask a girl to be your girlfriend....it either happens on its own or it doesn't

Or ideally...she should be asking YOU!!

(like a hair model) "Cuz....I'm worth it" sssss...

Poor clueless, yet predictible overly polite sweetie he must be

I Pity da fool lol

Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!


alphuctup 40M

5/17/2006 12:58 am

It just doesn't sound quite right to me.

I think toothysmile pretty much hit the nail on the head!


SleekIcilyVarix 41M

5/17/2006 2:16 am

I agree with polite, but firm. Not interested means Not Interested, and isn't open to interpretation, pleading, or argument. In this case persistence in the face of adversity isn't an admirable quality in the guy. If he keeps bugging you despite your firm and gentle rejection, get mean, or introduce him to your new boyfriend (enlist the bouncer at the pub you were at ).


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:10 pm

    Quoting Twister2bed:
    hehe the guys an axe murderer and a stalker he is standing behind you right now.

    LOOK OUT DUCK

    In reality I can't advise you there I really suck at telling someone I'm not interested normally I just tell them I don't feel the same way the most polite gentile way I can and if that doesn't work I avoid them like the plague.
    Just pepper spray the guy already
HaHaHa - you made me look behind me! LOL No need for pepper spray - yet.


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:13 pm

    Quoting LearningOne1973:
    I'm not the best person to be giving out dating advice, but being a "nice guy" who's been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I'm going to suggest you say "to heck with it" and try giving it a shot anyway. You like the guy, you're just not feeling chemistry, right.? Maybe, the chemistry will come with time? Feelings come and go. Just be up front with him that you're giving it a shot, but he has to accept the final verdict whether it's in his favor or not.

    Oh yeah, as Twister2bed suggested, bring some pepper spray! Just in case!
I can't do that. It would be way too awkward and dishonest. Some people say it's good to be with someone who loves you more than you love them, but I don't agree. (Not that we're talking love here, but the theory works with like as well.) I don't like being told what to do, and I don't like feeling trapped - both of which have already happened with this guy. I think it's probably best if I stay far away from him for now... Thanks for sharing your thoughts!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:14 pm

    Quoting toothysmile:
    I never, NEVER give it a shot if my instinct warns me against it.
    I am polite, but firm.
    You should by no means feel bad. You have no obligation to date him or even see him again. You had a couple of drinks together and some conversation. That by no means constitutes any commitment on your behalf.
    Smile. Wish him well. Move on.

I think you're right! My instincts have served me well in the past... Thank you!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:15 pm

    Quoting Wordsmith2004:
    What do I do?

    Two Words:

    Airhorn!

    lol

    Grow on you?? Shaaaa....and Victoria Secrets Angels will fly outt mah butt!!

    (YESS....you CAN keept that lovely image for your mental scrapbook....I don't mind in the least...just pay me for the priveledge! )

    Seriously, you can never ask a girl to be your girlfriend....it either happens on its own or it doesn't

    Or ideally...she should be asking YOU!!

    (like a hair model) "Cuz....I'm worth it" sssss...

    Poor clueless, yet predictible overly polite sweetie he must be

    I Pity da fool lol
You're right - it either happens or it doesn't. Can't be forced. Thank you!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:16 pm

    Quoting rm_mzhunyhole:
    Follow your instincts..if they're saying no..then go away!
You're right - thanks for backing me up on this! I'm starting to feel better!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:18 pm

    Quoting alphuctup:
    It just doesn't sound quite right to me.

    I think toothysmile pretty much hit the nail on the head!
Yeah, he seems to be a pretty smart guy, doesn't he? I am going with my gut on this - Avoidance Mode Activate! LOL Thanks!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:22 pm

    Quoting HandsumDarktall:
    mzhoneyhole and I are on the same page! If you dont feel it now you never will

    And I always try and be as nice as I can when i turn someone down. afterall its so flattering - gee at least someone wants to fuck me! - but when there is nothing there then you have to let it go.
It is flattering, and that's partly why I feel bad. If someone came up to me and said they thought I had the most beautiful hair they have ever seen, I wouldn't slap them and walk away. I'd say thank you and smile. Not quite the same thing, but by turning him down I kinda feel like I've slapped him in the face. See what I'm sayin'? You guys are right, though. Go with my instinct. I tried to be nice about it, but if it comes up again then I'll have to get mean! Grrrrrr!!! LOL (I'm such a terrible actress!)

Thank you!


Knot4Everyone 40F

5/17/2006 7:26 pm

    Quoting SleekIcilyVarix:
    I agree with polite, but firm. Not interested means Not Interested, and isn't open to interpretation, pleading, or argument. In this case persistence in the face of adversity isn't an admirable quality in the guy. If he keeps bugging you despite your firm and gentle rejection, get mean, or introduce him to your new boyfriend (enlist the bouncer at the pub you were at ).
You're right! Kudos to him for asking in the first place. Congrats to him for having the guts to ask a second time - but enough is enough! I'm not a Magic 8-Ball - my answer won't change just because you've asked the question again.

The boyfriend stand-in! Why didn't I think of that?!?!? LOL Thanks!


LearningOne1973 43M

5/17/2006 9:33 pm

    Quoting Knot4Everyone:
    I can't do that. It would be way too awkward and dishonest. Some people say it's good to be with someone who loves you more than you love them, but I don't agree. (Not that we're talking love here, but the theory works with like as well.) I don't like being told what to do, and I don't like feeling trapped - both of which have already happened with this guy. I think it's probably best if I stay far away from him for now... Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Yeah, that makes sense. Especially since he makes you feel trapped. I guess I didn't get that from your initial post. It sounded like you mostly liked the guy, but didn't feel "chemistry" for him.

There was a women once that I liked in every way except for initial physical attraction, so I never asked her out. Then as time went on, I got to know her better and the more I got to know her the more I liked her and I began to develop a physical attraction for her. Unfortunately, by the time I realized it, I also found out she started dating someone and I missed my chance. I thought you were describing a similar situation and I didn't want you to miss your chance.

I've also experienced having someone express interest in me and then get all clingy. It's awkward and uncomfortable. I told her I wasn't interested and now try to avoid her as much as possible. Which sounds like your situation.

You're right in just trying to avoid him.


TrapsTomesSteed 42M
202 posts
5/18/2006 6:00 am

I've always been a fan of honesty and I think you're taking the right approach, especially since the guy seems to have started obsessing after hanging out just a couple times. On the other hand, if you do want to give him a chance to grow on you, as you mentioned, there's nothing wrong with that. However, you don't have to be his "girlfriend" for that. Just friends. If he grows on you, great. If not, oh well.


HBowt2 58F

5/18/2006 2:51 pm

has to be chemistry......and if there was you wouldn't be asking these questions...


rm_4wolfsr 57M

5/18/2006 4:17 pm

First of all I can't imagine meeting someone and asking them to be my girlfriend on a first meeting. I think if I were in your position there would be some major red flags going up, especially if the subject continues to be raised. Sounds like your instincts are right on track here. If something doesn't seem quite right, it probably isn't.


clitalicious67 49F

5/18/2006 9:41 pm

I think I would avoid him...his continued interest and your lack interest will only make it awkward and who needs that? Just my thoughts...and if you are feeling creeped I say go with your instincts..


rm_bobcatu2 68M
5 posts
5/19/2006 3:51 pm

I have aleays had that same experience ! When a woman is attracted to me it quickly becomes obvious---sex,friendship and whatever happens next than comes about ! to look at ! i think i'm just common looking, another guy in the crowd !But if you feel my spark look out it can be fireworks and the fourth of july 1 obviously this is not a frequent event ! but don't you just it when that happens / redtigre


rm_bobcatu2 68M
5 posts
5/19/2006 3:53 pm

I have aleays had that same experience ! When a woman is attracted to me it quickly becomes obvious---sex,friendship and whatever happens next than comes about ! to look at ! i think i'm just common looking, another guy in the crowd !But if you feel my spark look out it can be fireworks and the fourth of july 1 obviously this is not a frequent event ! but don't you justlove it when that happens / redtigre


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