The second mouse gets the cheese!  

Kaliedascope61 41M
3157 posts
3/23/2006 8:42 am

Last Read:
3/29/2006 7:36 am

The second mouse gets the cheese!

In keeping with my last couple of Eddie Izzard posts, I thought I would share another favorite comic of mine, Steven Wright, those of you who have seen him on television or in person know his one line genius and have laughed your asses off! I know I did. Here are some of my favorite one liners from this fuzzy headed crazy man with a voice that sounds like he hasn’t slept in 10 years.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

jadedbabe78 105F

3/23/2006 8:50 am

LOL, I've heard a few of those before

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/23/2006 9:51 am:
funny huh?

libgemOH 56M/52F

3/23/2006 11:20 am

Isn't he the one that asks what do you add to instant water? -B

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:29 pm:
yep thats him!

2943 posts
3/23/2006 12:10 pm

Yeah he's pretty off the wall...but like Andy Kaufmann, high in intelligence...those are funny!


Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:30 pm:
even looking at him makes me laugh!

rm_emmie234 52F
608 posts
3/23/2006 12:22 pm

Here are some others of his I love!
Thank you for the laughs.
Still enjoying my guitar solo. It rocked the house. Thanks dude! ROCK ON!

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:30 pm:
those were on there too but I had to cut the list down, or it would have been like 10 feet long!

frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
3/23/2006 5:08 pm

ROFLMFAOOOOOO OMG.. I just love that brake repair one... will have to send that to my friend.. a mechanic..lmaooo T


Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:31 pm:
tell me what he says!

rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
3/23/2006 5:17 pm

I love them, itwas so wierd while I was reading them I heard him saying them in his voice.

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:31 pm:
Me too! thats what makes him so good

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
3/23/2006 6:01 pm

These could inspire blog topics on their own, lol. Look at this list - a MONTH of blogs...

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/24/2006 8:33 pm:
I was thinking the same thing!

LadytoPleaseYou 64F
5447 posts
3/24/2006 6:31 pm others, I, too, have heard some of these, but had no idea who had come up with them. Thanks for posting them.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

docdirk 47M

3/28/2006 8:26 pm

Dude is pure genius. (As I kick my feet up on my decaffeinated coffee table.)

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...

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