The old embarrasing journal  

Kaliedascope61 41M
3157 posts
3/25/2006 1:25 pm

Last Read:
3/27/2006 1:27 am

The old embarrasing journal

Old Journal 1994.

I was looking through boxes today and came across an old journal of mine. I was 19 years old when I wrote this and taking classes at a local community college. I thought I would just share something of my past and things that used to concern me when I was a kid.

Even though I am usually known for being shy and reserved. My nerves have always been calm, and generally I am collected and cool. But, everyone in awhile I have found myself in situations in which I haven’t been comfortable. My hands were shaking, my face turning red; I can feel the heat as I start to sweat. The coffee bar I generally to is a place where I’m comfortable; it’s very friendly, except on one evening in particular.

I was sitting with a close friend of mine that I’ve known for some time. Her friends were gathered around us and everyone was having such a good time chatting. For some reason I started to feel a little out of place, these were college kids who had things to talk about, important things, and I wasn’t feeling up there level. The topics covered a wide range of local and global issues in which I had no clue about. I didn’t want to seem unsociable; after all I was trying hard to impress my friend who I had developed a secret crush for.

The conversation continued and I found certain spots to my head yes or no, and to say small comments which seem to fit in, but I wasn’t prepared for the fateful question “what do you think?” I didn’t know what the topic was about; much less have an opinion about it.

I could feel my face turning red and I started to loose control. I felt stupid an uneducated, these were defiantly not the kind of people that I generally associate with. I could not answer, I was getting embarrassed and I wanted to leave.

After my opinion was asked, I could not stay on topic, my mind went blank. I only wanted out of the situation. I only said the bare minimum that I knew, and was quickly shaken off by the others. I could tell they were not impressed with me. They made their opinion known by not asking me my opinion again.

I sank back in my chair wondering exactly how all this happened. I craved normal talk of baseball and the goings on at a work place, and who was flirting with whom the night before. I’m used to small talk over beers and sharing secrets with friends. I didn’t know how to calm myself and, after an overload of caffeine, my nerves were shot.

Looking back, I know that a daily dose of the newspaper would have broadened my horizons immensely and that most of the topics covered during that conversation were all news related items. I am also thinking that the amount of caffeine that I had taken in greatly contributed to my nervousness and my embarrassment. Paying attention to the conversation and the people speaking would have given me some insight on the topics and I could have formed quick and witty opinions and added to the conversation instead of hindering it.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I could have made things go a lot smoother that evening, but I was so nervous that I couldn’t form the words to speak while my brain was working over time scrambling for information.

When I was younger, I was never comfortable speaking in front of crowds. I was shy and didn’t know my own voice. As I go older I began to understand a little more about people and that most are nervous and anxious in front people, even some of the most well spoken people.

All though I still turn red in the face as the temperature rises and my voice falters in the beginning I have no real fear of public speaking. My initial shock fades as I become more comfortable and the more I talk the easier it gets. I understand more about how things are in the world; I have started reading the newspaper and became aware of current events.

Standing in front of a class still holds some fear for me but I know that fear will vanish in seconds as long as I know what I’m talking about.

libgemOH 56M/52F

3/25/2006 2:35 pm

Isn't it cool looking back on stuff and seeing how much you've grown! Even from papers I did 2 years ago in school, I think to myself ,"who the hell was that?" It's something I regretfully didn't save, my old journals. You're lucky to have found them! -B

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:28 am:
It is, my journals are my treasures

2943 posts
3/25/2006 3:43 pm

You've come a long way baby!!


Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:28 am:
I still think in the way. But I can express myself better these days.

champagnechaser 41F
1639 posts
3/25/2006 4:01 pm

You definitely have found your voice, and it's so damn sexy!

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:29 am:
You know more than anyone could.

Whispersoftly5 52F
15176 posts
3/25/2006 5:40 pm

Please make sure to vote for the Warden of Punishment for Blogville - See post = [post 284927]

Thanks - Whisper...

P.S. Excellent blog and post here - too cool to look back and reflect like that and see how far you've come and based on your blog champagnechaser is right - you've found your voice and damn it is SEXY!!!

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:32 am:
The Grand Poompa of Blogland didn't you know I'm the president of blogland? you better read this!

(What the fuck is this shit..?? *rolls eyes*)

3/25/2006 5:48 pm

The same as you, I too have found Journal writing to be a reflection of who I was, I use it purposely as a mirror for myself I often write to my future self so when I become that, I can embrace the person I once was and to take measure in the person I am today....Ready


Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:37 am:
I like to look back, and see what I was thinking back then. Life makes it hard to remember sometimes the way you used to least for me anyway

rm_cru1972 44M
4407 posts
3/25/2006 6:09 pm

Lucky you, mine have all been thrown away Over the years

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:38 am:
The same fate happened to me, to most of the music and poetry that I had written.....spiteful ex wife put a torch to them.

imLadyBambi 58M/50F

3/25/2006 10:03 pm

Tell us more about yourself...

You've Been Tagged!

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:38 am:
Don't you know it's now illegal to play tag in blogland?


3/25/2006 11:58 pm

coming into your own

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:39 am:
I'm starting to feel that way.

kelly402005 52F

3/26/2006 1:27 am

You did find "your voice",
it speaks volumes now.
For that,
we thank you.
~~~I do, at least!

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:39 am:
I'm just happy there are wonderful people like you who come by everday to read what I write.

_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

3/26/2006 2:48 am

Thanks for sharing this...

Liefs C

Kaliedascope61 replies on 3/27/2006 1:40 am:
Pink Coffee!!!! where do you come up with that stuff!

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