The Perpetual "Work in Progress"  

KC_JJ 53M
5219 posts
4/9/2006 7:37 am

Last Read:
11/10/2007 11:24 pm

The Perpetual "Work in Progress"


Below is the rough draft outline for what was to possibly become an article in the A_FF magazine. (or something)

I had a few chunks of it stored but last night I whimsically saw somewhere in a anothers blog where it almost seemed appropriate. So I then began to roughly assemble it.

It's still not complete but this will now become it's "home spot" where it will conintue to evolve as I continue to do multiple face plants and encounter a multitude of ridiculous rejection scenarios in the brutal but necessary first hand research for it.

And I do it not for myself but for the greater good of the full spectrum (not rectum) of the universal online dating community.

for now I will paste it in verbatim as originally posted as a comment in the blog of another.

-----------------------------------------------

This may or may not be applicable here but it seems to be in the general ballpark at least.

It's a collection of some of my own field notes I've been assembling for a potential article. It's a work in progress and don't take it all too seriously. There is something of value in it for someone out there though. I have no doubt of that.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Suggestions for Basic Sanity Maintenance in Online Dating


Just a quick overiew of the way that I've begun conducting myself in these matters.

These words are me talking to myself. Telling me the rules I made for myself so that I don't continue to make the same stupid and painful mistakes over and over again. I'll add a few extraneous notes to it for those of you who are not me. Those of you who are me should already know this stuff courtesy of the school of hard knocks.

1. Never ever allow yourself to go head over heels for someone you only know through web contact exclusively. If you are inexperienced enough to idiotically commit this blatant error over 103% of the time you will have fallen in love with something YOU dreamed up based quite solidly upon what you DON'Treally know about this person.( I had to make this mistake twice before it really sunk in. )

And you are beyond a stone cold idiot if you in any way furtherly proceed to blame the other person for this happening.

2. only allow yourself into the head-over-heels zone if you have met them (possibly on a few separate occasions) physically and things still seem relatively consistent with what you knew and imigined about them before you met.

3. Never meet them unless you've had at least a few telephone conversations with them and you feel relaxed and at ease with the situation. A little butterflies is OK but "odd and strange feelings" usually do mean something. Be aware of them if they are there and listen to your gut when it loudly signals you.

4. The ideal situation for meeting is when you relatively feel that the both of you are free from most overbearing expectations and pressures. As much as possible keep your expectations fully set at neutral. Neutral is an unbiased position which can go any direction.

If you come into something like this with sky high and unrealistic expectations you've got almost nowhere to go with that but crashing straight into downersville. Plus usually you are in some way wearing these expectations on your shoulder even if you think you are not and they oftentimes will serve to totally "weird out" the other party at an unspoken and intuitive level. And vice versa of course. This is why staying in neutral at the beginning is such a golden skill to posess.

Bringing along a little hope isn't bad but if you go into to it with a highly detailed vision of how glorious and great it's all going to be YOU ARE A SUCKER!!!!!!! You are cooking up a recipe for your own disaster and possibly you'll be the catalyst that makes a usually friendly and fun person behave in weird ways that even they are shocked by. Overblown expectations can indeed exert some incredibly powerful and sometimes very weird effects on people.

Starting in a "sky high" position is almost always a postion from which you will take a steep nose dive. There are exceptions. They are extremely rare.

Giving up the high expectation habit will do you worlds of wonder in the realm of online based dating.

If you find that you are initially weak with this "starting in neutral" capacity the skill can indeed be developed with some steady and deliberate work on it. Once you see how genuinely effective it can be in easing and helping a situation feel unpressured and way less uncomfortable and awkward for both parties you realize it's extreme value.

If you can engender this level of calmness in others by having it yourself you make an unforgettable impression. Even if you look like the creature from the black lagoon.

I can't say if I'm so skilled with it but I've experienced enough of it now to know what it is and how to work on improving it.

I hope someone learns something valuable from this.

extra, bonus link to a more humorous, less serious article type, relationship/dating oriented posting of mine. Check it out here...
When the Babe Magnet Phenomenon Hits Full Force




MMM [ MMM


EroticaXTC 49F

4/9/2006 10:51 am

~sigh~
I already learned the hard way....


bardicman 50M

4/9/2006 12:39 pm

Hmmmm, Very intricate thoughts and I am forced to agree with the basis of their founding.



I am not dead yet


KC_JJ 53M

4/9/2006 12:53 pm

As is the way most will learn this stuff.

My stuff is really more of a humorously intended footnote.

NO, rather make that 'genital impression'

MMM [ MMM


KC_JJ 53M

4/9/2006 1:59 pm

My first response there there is bouncing off of eroticaXTC comment but since the order commets show is often not what you'd call WYSISYG it got bumped up in the chain.

and my usage of the phrase "Even if you look like the creature from the black lagoon." is really no exaggeration.

No offense intended to the creature from the black lagoon on that either.

And thankyou Bardic, I can only take that as thumbs up comment.

Thanks too sexyfit, since you have a genuine and quite respectable track record with such things I'll take that as almost more than a compliment. But that don't also imply that your comment is actually worth any less Bardic.

And anyone please bitchslap me a good one if I sound like an idiot politician with that sort of talk.

MMM [ MMM


KC_JJ 53M

4/9/2006 3:41 pm

I make a few spelling corrections on my epic 100th and the friggin' censors here now have the thing in custody and will not seem to set it free.

For most of the day today.

What's up with that noise?

MMM [ MMM


Whispersoftly5 52F
15176 posts
4/9/2006 4:43 pm

These are good lessons. I agree that this will make a really good article - thanks for sharing it here!!!

Whisper...


bardicman 50M

4/9/2006 8:06 pm

Ahh I was wondering where your 100th post went.



I am not dead yet


rm_cockmerollme 45F
1223 posts
4/9/2006 9:28 pm

So accurate, my friend.

May I add something?

If you are invited to sleep with someone from AdultFriendFinder, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO QUOTE THE BLOG BACK TO THE PERSON!!

That's tacky, and it's overreaching.

I recently slept with a nice enough guy from here, but I couldn't blog for days because I knew he'd be reading this.

You are not to assume anything.
I am a woman, I can change my mind, and I can change it back again.


Don't get too assertive the first time we sleep together. You don't know me that well. All you do is read a blog, which is about 1/10th of what is going on in my life at any given time.

Go easy. Don't start pulling out all your "tricks" the first time. I am giving you every clue as to what I'd like to do.

You do not order me to suck you off the first time we hang out,

You let the female lead until you are both comfortable.

You don't wait until I have to get up and start cleaning my fucking apartment at 2am for you to get the hint that no, no, you will not be sleeping over. It wasn't that good.

Don't overdo it on the dialog. I know how to speak.Maybe I just want it to be quite for a while... Let me get comfortable, you know?

See, there is a huge danger in meeting someone from here. Blogs make you think you actually know someone, and what's in their head.

You don't. You can only go on the information that is given to you, and only to you. The rest should be seen as entertainment, or a look into private thoughts.

Just a personal opinion.

Thank you for your time.

I'm healing.

LET'S GO METS!!!


kissnlik 40F

4/16/2006 6:01 pm

I completley agree with what you said. I only wish this was put into pamphlet form so I can give it to my children when thay start dating. It really applies to life too.


KC_JJ 53M

9/18/2006 10:33 am

    Quoting rm_cockmerollme:
    So accurate, my friend.

    May I add something?

    If you are invited to sleep with someone from AdultFriendFinder, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO QUOTE THE BLOG BACK TO THE PERSON!!

    That's tacky, and it's overreaching.

    I recently slept with a nice enough guy from here, but I couldn't blog for days because I knew he'd be reading this.

    You are not to assume anything.
    I am a woman, I can change my mind, and I can change it back again.


    Don't get too assertive the first time we sleep together. You don't know me that well. All you do is read a blog, which is about 1/10th of what is going on in my life at any given time.

    Go easy. Don't start pulling out all your "tricks" the first time. I am giving you every clue as to what I'd like to do.

    You do not order me to suck you off the first time we hang out,

    You let the female lead until you are both comfortable.

    You don't wait until I have to get up and start cleaning my fucking apartment at 2am for you to get the hint that no, no, you will not be sleeping over. It wasn't that good.

    Don't overdo it on the dialog. I know how to speak.Maybe I just want it to be quite for a while... Let me get comfortable, you know?

    See, there is a huge danger in meeting someone from here. Blogs make you think you actually know someone, and what's in their head.

    You don't. You can only go on the information that is given to you, and only to you. The rest should be seen as entertainment, or a look into private thoughts.

    Just a personal opinion.

    Thank you for your time.

    I'm healing.
Cockme wrote.. You do not order me to suck you off the first time we hang out,

I really like the implication in the wording you used here that the specific privelage of making such an order can indeed be earned.

MMM [ MMM


KC_JJ 53M

9/18/2006 10:38 am

    Quoting kissnlik:
    I completley agree with what you said. I only wish this was put into pamphlet form so I can give it to my children when thay start dating. It really applies to life too.
I guess it could even be written up like one of those Online Dating for Dummies type books.

MMM [ MMM


KC_JJ 53M

9/18/2006 1:05 pm

    Quoting childofthe70s:
    Wish I had read this 6 months ago... well written..
I'm sure most folks here have a time they could look back to inh which this info would have been a godsend. But hopefuilly it can now still maybe funtion similarly for a small few who might encounter it here.

Overal, making the mistakes themselve is not an completely bad thng. It just might feel real bad for longer tham you might have hoped it would for a short while. But those feelings should ( in theory ) make a deep enough bummer impression so that they will truly mtotivate you to do whatever you can to not repeat that experience.

Personally I was quite baffled about how all the behavioural dynamics and all that might be getting the ugly results I was getting from my initial online based relationship efforts . But taking the "field notes " that I did and reading widely in the blogs here helped me to formulate what I have here.

Somehow I'll bet that I still do have a few hard knocks yet to experience through all this. In fact I just had one quite recently. But overall each time I do seem to do a little better than the last and that remains encouragiung.

MMM [ MMM


velvetgrrrl 39F

10/23/2006 4:19 pm

Too true and I think thats why out here there are so many
meet and greets

because of those weird feelings some of us women (and men) get when someone comes on strong or seems forceful. Seems like we're setting ourlseves up to being on the evening news. I liked this post a lot and it made total sense thanks for linking it for me to read KC



you're a doll!

`Velvet
Hell is when u should have walked away, but u didn't.


KC_JJ 53M

10/23/2006 5:51 pm

    Quoting velvetgrrrl:
    Too true and I think thats why out here there are so many
    meet and greets

    because of those weird feelings some of us women (and men) get when someone comes on strong or seems forceful. Seems like we're setting ourlseves up to being on the evening news. I liked this post a lot and it made total sense thanks for linking it for me to read KC



    you're a doll!
Hi velvetgrrl,

I'm glad you found this collection of ideas comprehensible and relevant. It still needs some fine tuning and I also need to go out and do some more real world research using these basic ideas but I think the groundwork for it as layed out here is still sound and stable stuff.

And thanks too for the doll comment. I think that you are a doll yourself! Wish we lived closer so we could more easily experiment with something like meeting up and having a "neutral expectations" competiton.

MMM [ MMM


KC_JJ 53M

2/10/2007 2:01 pm

    Quoting rm_MissDittyWit:
    what stopped you from publishing it?

    great thoughts, and I love reading the comments, especially cockme
I haven't yet gotten it to the point where I think it's ready yet. But I did give it a major revamp two nights ago so what you read here is the latest new and improved version. It's nearly ready to hatch I think.

Yes wasn't cockme's a gas? I think she's my favorite fem comdedian. Too bad she's not posting so much lately. But that seems to be the general trend by the whole of this place.

I thought it was just me for awhile but it ain't.

There are a lot of obscure gems in cockme's blog. It's like a secret esoteric underground blog. It doesn't try to be that, it just is.

MMM [ MMM


SwainishClone 105M
1138 posts
2/26/2007 10:19 am

i also learned it the hard way...
but you know... sometimes we are too stubborn to learn from our mistakes.


[blog The_Swainish]


KC_JJ 53M

2/28/2007 8:35 pm

    Quoting SwainishClone:
    i also learned it the hard way...
    but you know... sometimes we are too stubborn to learn from our mistakes.

Hey swainish,

I've probably not finished making the same mistakes twice. But hopefully I've now moved on to making more "mature" mistakes twice ( or more ) but I really don't know if that's true or not. But I hope so.

MMM [ MMM


sinderella7 39M/39F

6/21/2007 8:03 pm


I agree with most of these - except that I don't give out my phone number. At least not to everyone

For me, it's easier mailing and meeting over coffee before I share my number. How bad can it be? I'd have given 15 minutes to a jerk. 15 minutes is better than 10-digits

If I want to call it quits, minutes after meeting, I always make it a point to mail and call it off. No qualms about that.


KC_JJ 53M

7/30/2007 1:41 am

    Quoting sinderella7:

    I agree with most of these - except that I don't give out my phone number. At least not to everyone

    For me, it's easier mailing and meeting over coffee before I share my number. How bad can it be? I'd have given 15 minutes to a jerk. 15 minutes is better than 10-digits

    If I want to call it quits, minutes after meeting, I always make it a point to mail and call it off. No qualms about that.

Hey Sinderalla,

I would be quite offended if you would not give me your phone number.

Just joking.

But I would definitely take that as an indicator concerning anyone about how serious they might really be about meeting me. If they would not give it to me that is.

There is SO MUCH important stuff present in simply the intonations of the voice. I like to think of them as feeling tones.

They tell so much. And they give "between the lines" info oftentimes absent in the actual words spoken.

That is also the "language" most animals speak.

Lately whenever I have a computer problem I feel that I am speaking to someone in India! I bet I'm not the only one!

MMM [ MMM


givinuponlovenow 41F

2/26/2008 1:33 am

Ive chatted with many guys but only fell for two. One was a scammer, go figure. the other a greek.


_King_Cobb_ 53M
25377 posts
2/26/2008 4:24 am

It's funny how I can't even prop erly comment on my own old blog now but this is a response to givinuponlovenow.

It's also odd how completely not in control of the "falling" process we sometimes are. I wrote this with the attitude that you can pretty much take that process "by the horns" and corral it in such away that you can just turn it on and off at the whim of your beck and call.

But in reality it just doesn't work that simply! Ususally that is.

I have indeed learned to be much more vigilant and cautious concerning "on-line love" due to mistakes made which are quite similar to your own.

My first two on-line "faux paws" were with the equivalent of "gypsy swindlers and charlatans". But also, in some odd way I know I was also acting sort of like a powerful magnet for those types so I indeed was as much to blame for the entire picture as they were.

Using the principles stated in this document has indeed kept that from happening again. But it has also seemingly prevented nearly anything AT ALL from happening again.

So I still need to somehow make some adjustments to my overall approach.

I would still be better off with nothing at all though than to get more of the charlatan/swindler type!


insert exploding bomb image here


_King_Cobb_ 53M
25377 posts
3/10/2008 5:28 am

This response is for [blog Leila97330],

Yes go ahead and link it.

I do sense within you a decent presence for the possibility of "going overboard" so to speak.

I do know it can be fun to fell those "butterflies" but it having that sense going into something blind which is the thing I'm trying to warn here to avoid.

At all costs too.

I do beleive that is a genuine recipe for disaster in nearly all cases. But like I say here it will be something which you will prove to yourself again and again if you actually do have propensity for that sort of a thing.

Some girls become convinced that I am a proverbial "cold fish" because I now absolutely refuse anything even close to that to happen without e few good in the flesh meetings having taken place. But I don't care! Just speak to anyone who's met me in person.

There needs to be some sort of "voucher" system like that here. That might be my next call of duty around this place. To set sometyhing up like that.

A voucher network.

I've met about 30 AFFFFers in the flesh who would swear that I am indeed exactly what I say I am. That counts for a lot when you consider how many folks here are indeed straight up con artists.


insert exploding bomb image here


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