Fuck, Have Sex, or Make Love  

Juliet610 51F
802 posts
4/8/2006 5:14 am

Last Read:
6/4/2006 2:57 am

Fuck, Have Sex, or Make Love

The other day, "The Girls" and I were sitting around talking about everything under the sun, when the topic turned to sex. Now there's a shock, huh women??? Do guys honestly think we don't talk about that? Well, we do, and we don't back away from the tough questions. One of those came up in our discussion, and I'd like to throw it out to y'all and get your thoughts on this.

We were talking about my relationship with Mr. Potential 2006, the man The Family set me up with at the end of February. They wanted to know how he was in bed, and I told them in all honesty that we hadn't been intimate yet. Naturally they were surprised, well, okay, shocked, that two healthy adults, both with strong libidos, could go out for over a month and not end up in bed. I didn't bother to tell them that we had actually, literally slept together one night when we'd finished a large bottle of wine... Anyway, this is the Reader's Digest version of the speech I gave them.

In my opinion, there are three ways a couple can join physically: 1) they can fuck; 2) they can have sex; and 3) they can make love. Allow me to define each term, so we're all on the same page. Remember, these are just my definitions; this is just my opinion!

The first "level" is fucking where two horny people come together to relieve a physical need. There is generally no connection, no involvement, no commitment. These are your "one night stands" and " oh yeah, that one at the BBQ last summer" partners, where you may or may not remember their name or their face. However, it can also be the first time in what will ultimately go on to be a relationship.

Next is having sex. This involves a bit more than pure hedonism which I have nothing against--see my post Found a REALLY Fun Church. Having sex is what Friends With Benefits do, or your “routine” scratch-that-itch-sex is all about. There is a connection, some sort of involvement. There might even be a commitment on one or both sides. But it still falls a bit short.

Then the third way a couple comes together is through making love. Here there is definitely a connection on more than just the physical level. It can be mental, emotional, or even spiritual, but whatever you call it, it’s more than just a sexual connection. The level of involvement in each other’s lives is greater here. Typically they genuinely care about what is happening in the other person’s life. The talk daily in person or over the phone. They spend time together other than time between the sheets. And they have some form of commitment to each other. It doesn’t have to be “until death do us part” or an exclusivity agreement. It’s sort of hard to describe, but there is a feeling that you can count on this person when you need a friend.

As you may have surmised, there is a strong correlation between an increased level of involvement and moving up the scale. However, this is not to say that the scale is one-directional. Quite the contrary.

Once a couple has made it to the making love level, they can jump up and down the scale at will, depending on their moods and needs at the time. There is definitely a time and place in a good relationship for raw, animalistic fucking on occasion, as well as scratching-the-itch sex. However, there damn well better be a lot of time for making love--a deep, solid connection of two souls--or it isn't much of a relationship in my book!

Well, I guess that's a pretty good clue as to where I stand. I have fucked more times than I care to remember, and refuse to do it anymore, outside of a relationship. I feel cheap and used after the fact, and at this point in my life, frankly, I don't need that. I guess I’m not really willing to settle for just having sex either, because I’ve made love and been made love to by my partner. That’s what satisfies my emotional need. That’s what resonates with my soul. That’s what I want with Mr. Potential. And that's what I think we’re very close to having.

Remember, these are just my thoughts, and I’m a hopeful romantic. I'd love to hear yours!


Today’s thought to stick to the roof of your mind.


bluegirl39 49F

4/8/2006 5:52 am

I think your right on the money here. Perhaps women tend to put more inot making love then men do..not sure on this being I am not a man...but making love is much better..you go for it..take your time with this guy..if he is it then you'll be making love in due time...


reverend21 49M
1913 posts
4/8/2006 5:58 am

And very acurate thoughts it seems. The spiritual and emotional connections are the most intimate, and they either come easy or they don't come at all. Don't get me wrong, you can go for yearswith out the connection, and then bam, a feeling so warm and caring that envelopes you and leaves you weak in the knees. Sometimes it almost instant, hence love at first sight.

and women seem to talk of sex more than men, as a matter of fact if men were privy to the converstations women have, the would be embarrassed into silence.


expatbrit49 62M

4/8/2006 6:18 am

I think you have hit the nail right on the head there and I defiantly agree that one can lead to another. In most cases the connection that ends in making love takes some time to develop.

Thank You for Your Time and Attention


rm_twoblue4u2 65M
9 posts
4/8/2006 6:45 am

you may think that these are just your definitions/opinions, but I wouldn't change a word if I had to write them down myself....
and once you are at the third level, you need to use the first two on occasion to keep things spiced up!!


angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
4/8/2006 7:19 am

Awww Julz....I think this was a wonderful, beautiful, and "hopeful romantic" post! I think you were right on in your definitions....especially that after a couple moves to the making love stage they can revert back at any time. I definitely agree that making love is the best....but sometimes within a couple that sweaty passionate, good hard fucking is the best too! Great post.....and good luck with Mr. Potential.


doug_e37 48M

4/8/2006 7:51 am

I think, as it seems do the others who have already commented, that your framework here is a good one. It certainly resonantes with me. Like you, I'm at a stage in my life where fucking just doesn't do it for me. Anyone can fuck, but it's worth the investment to go for making love. Thanks for summarizing this so succinctly!


seek_u_topia 50M

4/8/2006 7:56 am

I think, as it seems do the others who have already commented, that your framework here is a good one. It certainly resonantes with me. Like you, I'm at a stage in my life where fucking just doesn't do it for me. Anyone can fuck, but it's worth the investment to go for making love. Thanks for summarizing this so succinctly!


im_curious_4u 50M

4/8/2006 8:12 am

I was having a discussion on this very topic the other day with a certain someone. Your post better articulated what she and I were trying to say.

A question was posed to me then, can you make love to someone you're not in love with? She and I agreed that the answer was no, but two people can have passionate sex. To me that would fall between sex and love making in your categories. Any thoughts?


LustyTaurus 48M  
21253 posts
4/8/2006 1:10 pm

So having said that, when are you taking the new guy for a test ride?...maybe he sucks in bed and all that potential is severly devalued...just like NORTEL every time they release their books to the public.

Great post BTW...I'm only teasing about the test ride..lol

lustytaurus


Juliet610 51F

4/8/2006 4:01 pm

Thank you all for the comments. Sometimes I think my romantic side gets in the way of reality, so it's good and necessary to do a reality check. I truly appreciate all the "second opinions" you've offered. It helps validate my point of view (which I wasn't going to change anyway) knowing that others agree with me.

Curious, I have given that some thought as well. I agree, that passionate, connected sex falls in between regular sex and making love. However, at the risk of sounding completely insane, I'm going to hypothesize that in certain situations it is possible for people who are not in love to make love.

Now this assumes there is a difference between being in love with someone and loving that person. Maybe an example will help: I am no longer in love with my ex-husband, and although we've been divorced for nearly 20 years, I still love him dearly. For reasons I don't want to go into here, we determined long ago that we will never get back together on a permanent basis. But there have been occasions when we have gotten together, and ended up spending the night together. I honestly feel that we made love those nights, although I'm sure some would disagree. However, they weren't there, so it's my word against theirs. And I think Ryan would be on my side as well!

And Lusty--about that test drive. I have a theory that has been borne out time and again: The feeling or reaction you get from the first time you kiss a new person is strongly correlated to how well you will connect once you do become intimate. If you'll read my post, "The Date" Dissected, you'll see that the first kiss was incredible, and one kiss was not enough. In the ensuing month, it's only gotten better, so I have a good feeling about our first time together. He says he wants it to be special, romantic, which I definitely appreciate. But because it's him, Mr. Potential, it would be special just about anywhere. Hope that's not too mushy for you!


rm_anacortes 74M
2850 posts
4/8/2006 7:49 pm

There is also, "SACRED SEX" but few know about it and fewer yet seem to make the effort.


im_curious_4u 50M

4/8/2006 8:39 pm

I think romance gets pushed aside by many on this site. Maybe people just do that to protect themselves. Personally I much more prefer romance over random sex with a stranger, but hey that's just me. So don't worry about letting your romantic side get in the way, I for one appreciate it.

As far as the difference between being in love and loving a person...I know all too well what you mean. Been there, done that, and had that said to me. I learned the hard way that yes there is a difference.

BTW I just recently came across your blog and I've enjoyed reading your posts. I look forward to readng more. Lastly and certainly not least, I have to tell you your photos are incredible. Wow!


rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
4/9/2006 3:52 am

Great post, Julie, from one ASHA member to another.


runzwithknives 59F

4/10/2006 3:21 pm

What you say hits it on the head for me.
I agree that you can "make love" to someone that you are not "In Love" with. Deep, passionate and tender sex with someone you love and care deeply about. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself? Glossing it over or creating an illusion to feel better? Since I'm now pretty sure I've never really been "in love", but spent alot of time trying to convince myself I was; I really wonder if it's the same for me with "making love"?

If I presume I've made love in the recent past then I have noticed what you say about jumping around the scale. There is a place for raw, animalistic sex, or a quickie with no other particular purpose in mind. Or to tend to you partner for the sheer pleasure of it. What is nice is the realization that making love will not and does not happen each and every time between couples. But that the emotions which allow making love to happen lie under it all.

I have to ask tho...Exactly what is "falling short"? What differentiates a Fw/B relationship and one that is not quite a couple or an "us" relationship? Is it Love at first Sight? The level of committment? Living together? Exculsivity? Monogamy? Talking every day? Sex every night? Seems to me that there is an in-between here. The slow movement from FwB to a "couple" and realizing that the trust and emotional involvement can take time and letting it?


Juliet610 51F

4/10/2006 9:06 pm

RWK,

The falling short that I was referring to was the emotional connection I have with my partner when I know we are making love. When I make love to my man, I am giving myself to him completely: mind, body and spirit. We connect on a level that is deeper, more intimate and more intense than the connection we make when "just" having sex--which I also enjoy immensely!

Please remember--these are just my terms; what makes sense to me. It could be, and probably is, different for everyone reading this post. As I stated at the beginning, this post was inspired by a discussion with a couple of my sisters, sisters-in-law, cousins and girlfriends. We didn't all agree, and I wasn't as articulate with them as I was in the post. I wanted to clarify my thoughts--which are still evolving--for my own sake as well as throw them out into Blogs-ville, and see what others thought. Please feel free to take what works for you, and customize the rest.

Posing questions and grappling with their answers is the way I learn best. Thank you for stretching my thinking.

Julz


OlympicView00 51M
1 post
4/15/2006 4:12 pm

I have been married twice and have been with (probably) far too many beautiful women in my lifetime. I have had a good fuck, great sex, and made love to previous partners, as well as one night stands. I don't think your romantic side gets in the way of reality, but more the other way around. There is nothing more soulful, pleasurable, romantic and intimate as finding that special place with someone... whether you know every detail about them and have gone up and down the sex scale, or just the simple luxury of gazing into each others eyes and finding out how connected you are to this person you just met. While reality continually exists, romance and a soulful connection happen in a moment, without any notice. Take it whenever you find it... I love your spirit Juliet!


bardicman 50M

4/18/2006 7:49 am

As a fellow hopeless (hopeful) romantic I am forced to basically agree with your definitions.



I am not dead yet


TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
4/23/2006 10:47 pm

A little late on this post, but I totally agree with everything you say here.


BigMacUB6IB9 67M
1 post
5/2/2006 8:20 pm

Wow, you sound wonderful. I just joined up and after reading your feelings am so happy! As a clean, healthy man the experiences you had can be 'ditto' with us.....I can attest.
I've been married before, and after 15 years have found single life very disappointing. Either it's 'sport sex' twice a week, or make me cum three times a day and then cook for me.....deep loving sex is so rewarding, and I find it so easy to become close and relaxed and open then. After you share that experience with a person, then the other two opportunities just happen......get back. Don


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