My Future...Part II  

JohnerH 35M
44 posts
6/21/2005 11:58 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

My Future...Part II

So...

Not bad not bad... 2 blogs in 4 days... With a bit of luck I might wrote a bit more...

Amazing, on my day off what do I go and do, I go out, pop in to the local DVD shop, and hire out 3 DVD's.

Get a load of this... 3 DVD's...

All of which where girly fliks...

Kind of goes towards the “mood” I'm in. I enjoyed one in particular.

The irony used went exactly towards my kind of dark ironic humor.

But you know the best part? I live it out daily and don't even notice.
The ironic humor I mean... Most of the time I turn around and say, “I/me will never do bla bla bla” and then a couple of weeks/months/years, it's like I're right back were I was before.

Once upon a time In my tiny little life, I promised myself I would never, ever, have a long distance relationship. And what did I go and do? I kind of got involved with someone from back home.

Remember me saying earlier that I had something else on my mind that's been caving my head in? Well that's it. Not enough having everything else pilling up, now I find myself at the end of this barrel.

Story,

I met this someone last year while I was back home visiting my mom. At the time I though nothing of it, it was basically someone I met on the net that casually just happened to live near where my mom lives.

So naturally when I went home for a visit we met up. At the time there was a student festival going on. This is like an annual thing that is organized by the local university just before the final exams kick in giving the students one final chance to chill out and have proper fun before blowing their brains out during the exams.

Moving on, SO, I met her and we went to this festival which lasted for a week or so and in which every night there were different famous Bands (mostly national) playing.

So during that week we kind of “hooked” up, me and this someone, and it was all groovy. Great week great time, BUT, the end came... And what an end that was.

Painful to say the least, although being a direct cold heart bloke (like I like to think I am most of the time) I came back and just literally pushed her out of my mind. Didn't speak to her for a while, didn't write, etc (this was, in my reasoning, to prevent me for getting attached while at the same time avoiding the whole distance thing that would eventually lead to me getting hurt one way or another)...

January, I go home... Who did I have the bright idea to call and “casually” meet up for a drink? (this was after I started speaking to her again, 2 months before hand, note: I'm not a prick...)

5 hours, that's how long it lasted before we attached ourselves to each other in such a way that could only be described in my mind as beautifull. But having said that, to the casual passerby it was probably a video moment that lasted for about half an hour or so, judging by the people that were just standing there looking...

For the next 3 days, we spent most of the time together (note: I forgot to mention something before, we never actually slept together at any point... not even the first time we met) and what a time that was...

Again, the goodbye? Painful, but this time it was worse. I mean, I came back and I was near tears. How on earth did I let myself in to that?

(Remember at the beggning, I promised myself I would never again get in to this kind of situation, ever...)

But then again to be honest, I'm glad it happened, it made me believe I could still feel again! That I was not a block of ice, for which I was afraid I was transforming myself into....

But now I ask, how do most people cope in this situation?

This, like most things are approached differently by different people. Some say that it's doable while the love is there. Others will say that it was doomed from the very begging due to many and various reasons.

The main one in my opinion is... loneliness...

I hate this feeling, it's probably the single thing that can really affect me.

Now I ask. Knowing myself as I kind of do, what on earth am/was I doing? I've had enough trouble in the past couping with someone that was 10 miles away, why am I even contemplating having a relationship with someone that's 3000 miles away? Am I losing it?

But one thing does remain, with all this pressure mounting up on several fronts,just the plain thought of me beginning to feel lonely is definitely something that I don't need... Fact is, as days do go by, I feel more and more lonely and with this I tend to hide away in these walls and behind these screens.

I'm really starting to get fed up with this whole “I'm growing up and getting to the stage of calming down” thought I lead myself to believe in.

Something tells me if I don't do something about this and start behaving badly again, I'm going to become that 15 year old nerd I used to be, and quite frankly I don't see anyone with the patience to drag me out of it if I do become that person again...

J

I'm going to 2 concerts... one this weekend and then one the weekend after... Can't wait....

P.S.: I gotta start getting used to writing ssmmmalllll blogs...

Wrote this while listenning to:

"Gotan Project - La Revancha Del Tango - Santa Maria"


rm_SpnshButrfly 39F
26 posts
6/21/2005 6:48 pm

Hey babe, all I can say is, I am sorry I am not there to help you through this. I try not to get mixed up in long distance relationships for that exact reason. I may start to REALLY like someone but, I try not to show it. So, I can honestly relate, trust me!
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I KNOW how much that hurts.
I would say it's a bad idea to become a '15 yr old nerd' again but, I don't know what to tell you. I don't have a solution. After all, I am going through this 'loneliness' phase as well, although I don't want to admit/accept it. But, there isn't really much I can do either. I have to wee ones who I am blessed with. So, although it does help to have someone to love. That doesn't really fill that void.
And you can write blogs as long as you like. I enjoy reading them. They give me something to think about and this one helped me start to accept my feelings as well.
All I can say is do whatever makes you happy, just be careful.
Have fun at the concerts for us both! I could use a night out and away from my current self. I need to break out of my shell for at least one night.
Hugs and kisses (as many and wherever ^_^)
~J


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