Your Cheating Heart  

JoeC93 43M
19 posts
8/26/2005 12:51 pm

Last Read:
4/24/2006 12:27 pm

Your Cheating Heart

One of the topics that has been beaten to death in the advice lines is the subject of cheating. Is it okay to cheat? Would you ever trust a cheater? Why to [insert gender] cheat?

It’s pretty much gotten old.

But, I have read a few comments and thoughts that have been posted, and I did notice a double standard. Somehow, it seems more acceptable for a woman to cheat. I just don’t get it cheating is cheating.

Men who cheat are regarded as scum. Some of the women posting replies have made it quite clear that men who cheat are worthless scumbags. Married men don’t stand a chance at all of getting with these women.

I understand this. I can appreciate the desire to not be with someone who is “dishonest” enough to cheat.

BUT…. the little devil in me wasn’t satisfied enough with this answer. I had to dig a bit deeper. I actually examined some of the women who were so vehemently against cheating men. Guess what I found? Some of them are married? Married and actively looking for men on AdultFriendFinder!


Granted, some said they’re here with their hubby’s permission, but still stress the desire to be discreet. Some say they’re in a loveless marriage and that their husband won’t make love to them. Some say they’re just sexually unsatisfied and/or their husband doesn’t know how to please them.


But why the double-standard? Why are these excuses for infidelity acceptable for one gender, but not the other? I find it odd.
Why do they think it’s okay for them to cheat, but not the men they’re ripping apart in their posts?

After all this is supposed to be the age of equality, right?

I don’t understand how it’s somehow empowering or “proper” for a woman who is sexually unsatisfied in her marriage to be unfaithful, but wrong for a man -- even if the reasons for the infidelity are exactly the same.

Men can feel sexually unsatisfied in their marriage. Men can be married to a woman who refuses to have sex with him. Men can be in a loveless marriage as well.

So why is it unacceptable for a man to seek these things outside of his marriage? And furthermore, why does it seem like these situations are always spun to make it the man’s fault?

If a woman cheats, it’s looked upon as if she’s satisfying a need that’s not being met at home. She is in touch with herself and filling a void (no pun intended!) in her life. Her man can’t please her and give her what she wants, so she goes elsewhere.

If a man cheats, he’s a dog. He’s cheating because he’s too lazy to work on his marriage. He just wants another notch to add to his belt. He has no respect for his wife. He’s scum for looking elsewhere.

Men in loveless relationships are pretty much held to a different standard. Men are the ones who are supposed to honor their commitment. Men are the ones who are supposed to “change”. Men are supposed to adapt. They are the ones who are supposed to alter their behavior, change their work habits, and go out of their way to try and please the woman. The women aren’t expected do anything differently. They aren’t expected to “change”.

Why? Because it’s his fault to begin with.

I don’t get it. Somehow, the man is always to blame.
He’s always the persecutor/tormentor and she’s always the victim.

It just doesn’t make sense to me…

Now, I realize that not all situations are like this, and I am VERY jaded from reading the Advice line responses.

I’m sure I’ll have a clearer head later.

But right now I’m annoyed and I feel the need to vent, get some crap off my chest, and try to stick up for the men.

And that’s exactly why I started this blog ‒ so I can get some crap off my chest and transcribe to the best of my abilities what’s going on in my head.

rm_hayyooji 31F
16 posts
8/26/2005 1:54 pm

i think cheating is unacceptable whether its a man or a woman. but answering ur question about those women who r married and still r members on AdultFriendFinder, well some of them truly love their husbands - or boy friends, as it is my case, and i would never cheat on him even if i knew he is cheating. but sometimes u need a way out, i think this website offers u what u can have if ur having a relationship with someone other than ur hubby or bf, at the same time ur not physically cheating, u just read other's fantasies and write ur own. sometimes what u read or chatting with others help u solve ur personal problems. being a member on this site doesnt mean u have to go out with every member u chat with or sleeping with them.

ellenluv 58F

8/26/2005 2:09 pm

I happen to be one of those "cheating" women and I feel horrible when I really dwell on it. But unlike the rest of the women you're crucifying, I don't hold men to a different standard. I believe we are "sick souls" for our infidilities. We are missing something desperately in our marriages and although we may be very much in love, there is something drastically missing right now. I was married for quite awhile and never cheated, never gave it a thought, until, I got seduced. Yes, I got seduced on massage table at a very respectable spa. Once the "geni" was out of the bottle so to speak, I haven't looked back. I have come alive in that department and it feels so wonderful. I feel wonderul, I feel beautiful, sexy, attractive and everything else. And on top of it, I dare say, I'm a nicer and sexier wife. Now this may sound terrible sick to many of you, but so be it. Sometimes, I have very mixed emotions about this. I don't take it lightly. And I hope one day that I can put the "geni" back in her bottle. But for now, she is out and she is wild.

rockwriter58 56M
1389 posts
9/5/2005 1:56 pm

Perhaps cheating as a topic has been done and done again because it is a cornerstone of this website. If people weren't here to step out on spouses... there would be significantly fewer folks here.

That being said, there is a double standard here. Some of that has evolved because women set the acceptable mores of the website. Many men are afraid to voice that concern because they are afraid they will be shunned. With the ratio so much in the favor of women, that is a valid concern. It is interesting to see how women can use their numbers as an advantage here to set the tone.

In case you get a renewed interest in the topic of infidelity, try these recent postings: [post 81072]; [post 81844]; [post 82720]; and Busted!.


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