I am NOT here...  

Iwakura16Eyes 37F
603 posts
8/15/2006 1:40 am

Last Read:
8/23/2006 10:09 pm

I am NOT here...

I think I've never been here at all....

It is 4:20am... I CANNOT sleep suddenly.... ...and I hate it...

as I lay here thinking too much, I wonder if a wool has been pulled around me. Forget my eyes... the wool has been wrapped around my person. I have no clue what to think.

I have nothing in my head but the last discussions between us and his last actions. We could not get enough kisses from each other. He had to lean in my window for one more..... why? I know in my heart that he feels the same way about me that I do about him... or at least I thought he did.... why do things have to turn out this way? and worse yet... why does it bother me....?

I went to another damn wedding over the weekend. I will be honest with you ALL about why I hate them so much. They are a dull reminder of how lonely I am and how unwanted I feel. I am always happy as hell for the couple getting married, but I still can't stand to be there. I was alone at a large table for 10 for about an hour and a half or more.... surrounded by families and couples... it was depressing as fuck. AND I HATED IT.

In the meantime, I have no sexual feelings in my whole body. Why? Feelings are too personal... and the cause too embarrassing. In the midst of my fun, I forgot how sensitive my lil kitty was to the elements. *frowns* And the drugs I was given to combat that caused another problem. It will go away, but in the meantime--I feel incredibly uncomfortable (I should not have posted that--no one wants to hear that). BUT... I feel nothing.... yay apathy.... ..and why should I feel anything...? yanno?

I am tired of being fuckable... when did I become unloveable? I want to know... the former makes me feel empty now after all has been said and definitely done... the latter has yet to come... I could have been... he could... or could he? I mean, all he has to bloody do is make time. The hopeless romantic in me tries to tell me that if he dug me that much, that things would be different. I understand how busy we all get with life... but when there is such a connection there--if it truly exists---when did we become too busy for what could possibly be love?

If it is important to all of us to not be alone, why do we let it fester? especially him... why do I have this feeling that I am everything and nothing at the same time? and worst of all, why am I wishing so hard for something that obviously is not going to happen?

I'm sorry if you all read this and got on a major downer, but I had to express it some bloody place... I'm about to cry about it... any other time, I would honestly masturbate, get off, roll over and go to bloody sleep--forgetting about the bullshit....

right now? I need someone to break the silence screaming in my head...

(Stabbing Westward) - Why

I am ready and wanting for something REAL...

(there's a pic of me trying to look happy at the damn wedding... I can fake happiness, but I can't fake orgasms )


chasingfun27 38M
1108 posts
8/15/2006 2:55 am

I won't comment on your circumstances, you know them far better than an I; but it sounded like it was going so well, and I hope it does continue, and that this is nothing but a 'speed-bump'.

You being merely fuckable, not loveable? Fron what I can see - you really are both.

Don't apologise. Say what's on your mind; hopefully getting it off your chest will help somewhat.


ProtonicMan 48M

8/15/2006 5:33 am

Hang in there, friend. I'm sorry to hear the wedding was such a drag. And tell handsome that he's being an idiot. Or I will. You deserve to be happy.

TJ


AndyUnique 68M

8/15/2006 5:58 pm

Too bad...it looked like everything was going so well for you. All I can say is that the mass media and it's portrayal of sex is an illusion. I've seen so many people on here searching for something that probably doesn't exist. Better than half of marriages end in divorce so, at least showing up for a wedding let's everyone know where you stand and gives the newly weds a vote of confidence. I think you're starting to learn that fucking some guy's brains out is going to leave with a mindless idiot and not a mate.


Iwakura16Eyes 37F

8/15/2006 10:09 pm

    Quoting AndyUnique:
    Too bad...it looked like everything was going so well for you. All I can say is that the mass media and it's portrayal of sex is an illusion. I've seen so many people on here searching for something that probably doesn't exist. Better than half of marriages end in divorce so, at least showing up for a wedding let's everyone know where you stand and gives the newly weds a vote of confidence. I think you're starting to learn that fucking some guy's brains out is going to leave with a mindless idiot and not a mate.
I'm not a complete idiot... I knew about fucking someone's brains out, yada yada....

this was not one of those...

just because I am young does not mean I am totally naive please do give me some credit *giggles*


AndyUnique 68M

8/16/2006 3:58 am

    Quoting Iwakura16Eyes:
    I'm not a complete idiot... I knew about fucking someone's brains out, yada yada....

    this was not one of those...

    just because I am young does not mean I am totally naive please do give me some credit *giggles*


vrec_dawn 40M

8/18/2006 4:16 pm

Bummer. You have sex without love, and I seem to always end up in love without sex. Why is life so darn confusing?


JudeL5 46M
1550 posts
8/19/2006 10:46 pm

Writing it down is good therapy...


DiscreetFtWayne 38M
106 posts
8/22/2006 11:23 am

Without knowing much of the details involved... I'm assuming you've expressed these concerns to the mystery man? If you have, and he's not ready to make time, you need to back away from him. If he's not ready to love you, you can't love him, it's not fair to you, and you'll only end up hurting yourself in the long run.

I've had a few close friends in the same situation, and every time it turned out that the guy just wasn't interested in them, not truly interested in them, either that, or the time away made the guy realize what he was passing up and he came back.


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