posts 9/6/2006 11:09 pm
9/29/2006 12:44 pm
The Toad of Darkness sends an ugly, threatening letter!
|Instead of the usual form letter in crumpled, used envelope with the 5-6 piecemeal stamps he cobbles together to make adequate postage!|
To quote Tom Nutall from Deadwood, "He, too, is God's handiwork."
Poor, Toad of Darkness. God must've really had a migraine, four impacted wisdom teeth, ingrown toenails, and hemorrhoids that day!
I actually do pity this man. How sad the emptiness of his soul that he has to continue to act like the poster boy for shitheadedness just on my behalf.
DFAS--the Department of the Navy that takes care of pay--shorted my share of his pension this month. I sent him a brief but polite email telling him about it and asking if he could make up the difference since even the $28 would hurt me if I didn't have it for my bills. You'd think I'd set fire to that little sports car of his, or worse, told the whole world he was a lying biohazard Hepatitis C POSITIVE member of A. F. F. who sleeps with as many women and couples as he can without protection all the while assuring them he's DD-Free.
Ooops, wait. I DID do that. And thanks to a merciful God, he's deleted his danged membership at last! After 6+ years of that mess and who knows how many people infected!
And the people say, AMEN!
Oh, this new letter was actually addressed to me by name! And, naturally, was filled with lots of indignation and like rumblings, but as with that note he writes in all caps in the memo line of the monthly pittance of a check he sends--"COURT ORDERED SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE"--I don't know why he bothers.
I certainly don't need to be remind that, one, I was married to him for more than 15 years, two, that he's been promising me for years he'd see me and the cats living in a box on the street, and three, that he has absolutely no control over me now and that slays him.
And that's the thing. You remove an abuser's ability to control and they go fugazi. He can't touch me. There is a permanent no-contact protection order against him because of the little sending-me-to-the-ER stunt. It's been revised solely to allow for business transactions. Nothing else.
But, that didn't keep him from coming over here last year to unzip his trousers and wave his penis at me on MY sofa in MY condo. Complaining to me that whichever pathetic sow he's scamming at that moment is a lousy lay and he needs what I've got and he'll take me on vacation and out on weekenders.
STOP. WAIT. HOLD THE EFFING PHONE.
See, this is the beauty part of divorce: you do NOT have to do that mess with the person you're divorced from!
Isn't that marvelous? I think so.
So, I put him out on his loutish ear and I've hence been persona non gratis with him and the recipient of his fervent attempts to make me a non-person.
Life goes on, praise great GOD Almighty, life does go on!
So I'm going to bide my time prior to replying. I need to formulate the gom jabbar as it were (Sorry non-Frank Herbert/Dune fans. . .just think really sharp, poisonous needle to test a person's worthiness to live). I need to remind him that I tried for nearly 2 YEARS to get him to direct deposit that pitiful check into my account. I gave him the account info countless times to no avail. There was always some excuse or other. So, after 2 years of this mess, I wised up. Stop trying to make an abuser be responsible. They'll never be. Plus, it just gives him the jollies to have me beg.
So, I put up with the idiotic form letters and such noise. It's nothing in the scheme of things. And as I plan to tell him, if that's what he needs in order to feel like he's winning whatever imaginary contest he's playing with me as his adversary, by all means, lay on McFuck. (Sorry. . .the Bard must be rolling in his grave with that one!).
The truth is, the only game is in his own head. I have moved on.
I run my own business and do freelance writing on the side. It's not much, but I'm my own boss and do what I was born to do. I live in one of the most beautiful parts of America in a town so clean, the Cleavers would feel at home next door to me. I have a fantastic church family, an even larger circle of friends. I date when I feel like it and don't when I don't. I sing in 2 choirs. I have 4 amazing fur-kids that are the light of my life and a God-giving blessing called creativity. If not for a shortage of money most months, I would already be in heaven. I want for nothing because, in the end, it's MY life and God's got it. Period.
Oh, I do have bad days, but not to the point that I have to treat people cruelly to get my kicks, or cheat, lie, steal or any of the other perversities Toad seems to relish and boasts of. You'd think being a brilliant surgical nurse with an incredibly sharp and clever mind would be enough.
Oh, well. . .
As I told him over a year ago, and it still holds true today: he can go to his grave hating me, spinning whatever mythic lies about me he needs in order to vilify me and get the pity he requires, it seems, just to breathe, and it makes absolutely no never mind to me. Because:
I LOVE HIM AND WILL UNTIL I DIE.
I PRAY FOR HIM DAILY; FOR HIS HEALTH AND PROTECTION.
I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM COMPLETELY IN MY HEART AND BEFORE MY GOD.
I'll never forget what he did--splintering both our lives apart and destroying an over 20-year career with the Navy--but he is forgiven. But, it would be too easy to believe that, so. . .I'm some psycho vampire bitch who ruined his life, ad nauseum.
Fine. Whatever works for him.
By refusing to fight, I unman him. And while it is somewhat sadly sweet, I do realize that I feel an even greater pity for him than ever before.
I am a completely different person to the cowering, battered, and terrified woman he abandoned. I am a stranger to him. He, unimaginably, is still the man who did all those things and lived to tell the tale.
Is there a better word for this than sad? Tragic maybe?
And the best part of all this, almost an afterthought really, is how amazing it is for me to be at this point in just under 4 years of being free from him. I literally have come a long way, baby!
posts9/6/2006 11:57 pm
Good for you ,|
You sound wonderful and positive ,don't let him get to you on occasion,he isn't worth it
i'm here to stay
9/7/2006 5:16 am
Good for you, kid. Hope you have the best of luck in continuing your personal growth. I feel confident you will. Later|
PS: Sometimes it's just best to say, "Fuck 'em, I wish 'em well," and just get the hell away from people like that. No benefit, and only detriment, in wasting your time on resentments.
9/7/2006 8:46 am
The famous Sister Papy! My blog and I have now arrived. Your photo always gives me a smile. Thanks so much for dropping into the Grotto. You're right, of course. It hurts for a moment when he does these things, then I remind myself how AMAZING it feels to wake up every morning with the blessing of NOT being his wife anymore! Hooray, let's have a party!|
And good morning dear, beautiful, blue-eyed KPB. You're always here to give a me a grin and great advice. I remember an old comedy record of Brother Dave Gardener my grandfather had and I listened to compulsively as a kid. There was this one bit he did on the Bible where he cites Jesus saying, "Love your enemies and drive them nuts." There is no better way to screw with the mind of a negative, hateful person than to love them and wish them well! Isn't that just too delicious? You're doing the right thing and pissing them off. . .though I'm not quite sure that's what JC had in mind.
9/7/2006 2:28 pm
Congratulations to you, too, gorgeous Flyaway! With our beautiful upper frontals, we should be posing for some sculptor somewhere as alabaster bookends! |
I personally feel that, since so very many women share our story of woe, we should have a holiday to celebrate being released. Sort of a worldwide, Ding-Dong-the-Dick-is-Gone day! It would take place every year, probably early summer, and we'd all dance and sing together, have roasted pig, play pin the dick on the jackass games, and at the end of the day, we'd all join hands around a bonfire where an SOB-shaped pile of bullshit is burned in effigy!
Good to see you here!
9/26/2006 6:05 pm
Tragic, I think. From what I have read, it sounds as if you have grown and evolved while he has stood still. To that end, I certainly understand as in the almost 6 years since my divorce, I am no longer the man I was then, perhaps not even the man I was even 3 years ago. To me, she will always be the same, but that is mostly since she is in another state and I haven't seen her since the divorce. I have spoken to her when I was in Melbourne in 2004, and that, I think, unless something strange happens (or has happened in an alternate life , will be the last time we speak to each other. I think I needed her to validate me for so long, and I finally realized, I didn't need her validation anymore. I still love her, and always will, but my path is separate from hers, and I am ok with that now.|
oh, like the quote from Deadwood, but I am something of a quote-person (if that is a type of person, lol
9/27/2006 3:31 am
Oh, something I meant to add to this post, but my Internet went down for a few hours tonight. Writing has been my catharsis in my relationships, and it has also been an ending for me as well. I normally don't link posts, but it pretty much sums up my closing the book on my divorce and finally, moving on (though the piece is a bit more cynical than normal...): Anyway, it is called The Quiet Earth and while I like it as a poem, it is always a tough, but good read for me more as a reminder than anything else to keep moving on (which sometimes has been tough, as it can be).|