DIVORCE: Punishment or Reprieve?  

IamWetFire 52F
739 posts
8/19/2006 3:53 pm

Last Read:
9/29/2006 5:29 pm

DIVORCE: Punishment or Reprieve?

On Marriage:
"He blew in like a rain cloud and stood there darkly on my threshold. And when I look back on it now, I can see it was a threshold."

And Divorce:
"And there I was, Reader, thinking she had already spent her grief, when in fact she had many rooms more inside her just waiting to be emptied."

-- Louis Bayard,
The Pale Blue Eye



Are you divorced? Still caught up in the process? Was/is the dissolution of your marriage a punishment you can't get over, or a reprieve from a life so unhappy you thought you'd never escape it?
I never wanted a divorce and feel like I'll never get over it.
Marriage was such hell, I wanted to dance down the street naked when it ended.
It was just one of those bumps in the road of life.
Divorced then remarried. No sweat.
I haven't healed enough yet to be sure.


ZZ_Todd 59M

8/19/2006 11:19 pm

Yep... just another bump on the road. I guess at the time we were just so desperate to be married, we never considered how important it was to be married to the right one. I've remained single since it ended in 1985 (come to think of it, last week marked the 22nd anniversary of my divorce... time flies, eh?) Anyway... being single so long has been by choice, really. Nothing so romantic as not being able to find anyone like her... (oh puh-leeze... we got divorced, right!)... just that I guess when it's gotten close, I got scared, remembering the first time and how sure I thought I was before I got married.


rm_warmguy05 64M

8/20/2006 3:10 pm

Excellent question IAWF

On marriage and divorce.[/COLOR]

I don't regret my marriage, I grew in dimension and wisdom.
My regrets have turned to lessons, I know being inattentive is poison whether with friends or lovers, but especially in marriage. By all measure it was a success, I am a successful parent because my children are balanced,


Sweetpickles69 47F

8/20/2006 6:44 pm

Mine was hell. He was abusive & controlling. When I got out I felt like a bird being released from a cage!

Peace,
Pickles


TheOracle2006 105F

8/20/2006 7:17 pm

Okay, the last reply disappeared so I will try again!!!!

Okay, I only lived under common law marriage with my husband in Portugal... Thank God I never succumbed to my father-in-laws threats, "If you don't marry my son, things are going to be different around here." Well, little did he know... but I think the rotten apple didn't fall far from the tree... that I was already planning the first of many escapes from my Sadist captor/husband. It took five years, four countries, two kids and lots of Moxie to escape that marriage but Ze finally got the hint and the authorities deported him for the last time. I have been free and unattached since...

So for my #1 fantasy in life: to learn Bondage & Discipline "ropes" and return to Portugal... seduce my Ex... not hard... (evil laugh)... tie him up and strap one on... I think your imagination will figure out the rest... (another evil laugh) I think he will like it! Why do I still love that dirty bastard and want to give him pleasure... but you know, the pleasure is all mine, I'm sure...

But the question is: will you still respect me when I have had my way with him????
(another evil laugh)

L'Oracle de L'Amour

I have a challenge for you all... keep busy...
Bloggers Challenge: Keywords
[post 476831]

PS: Fire email me from my page and please give me an email where we may chat... your cupid settings stop me from being able to send you emails... thank the Goddess we are not a match!!!!! TheOracle2006

Hi again


IamWetFire 52F

8/21/2006 7:01 pm

    Quoting Sweetpickles69:
    Mine was hell. He was abusive & controlling. When I got out I felt like a bird being released from a cage!
Ditto, Sweetpickles. Toad was this sweet young boy when we married. It didn't take him long to drop that disguise. That I gained 60 pounds in the first 3 months of our marriage--going from a perfect size 5 to a 12--says alot. But, I believed in the vow I took. . .better or worse and all those promises.

But the night the police took him out of our home--along with one of his whores who had come to confront him once I informed her he was HCV positive--I literally stood in my kitchen and thanked God. It was the most amazing feeling, like the entire world had been taken off my back and shoulders.

As I said in my open letter to him here on this blog, I wouldn't trade the adventures we had for anything in the world, but if I could simply erase his memory from my mind--at least after 1997 when he was first diagnosed with Hepatitis C and turned into the monster who , beat and humilated me in front of an entire Navy town, I would do it in an instant.

But as WarmGuy also said of his marriage, it helped me grow and there is certainly good to come of it. Had I not married him, I might never have become a journalist or gotten my degrees. I might never have lived overseas or in so many wonderful places here in the states. But, if I'd married another man, a worthier one--like "B" instead--I might have children and even grandchildren now. It's tough, at times, knowing that your family bloodline ends with you. The baby I miscarried in summer 1982 would be 23 now! Can you imagine it? I can and do sometimes.

But what ifs are irrelevent. It's tomorrow that counts now and only that.

Thanks so much for dropping by the grotto! It's great to see you here.



IamWetFire 52F

8/21/2006 7:11 pm

    Quoting TheOracle2006:
    Okay, the last reply disappeared so I will try again!!!!

    Okay, I only lived under common law marriage with my husband in Portugal... Thank God I never succumbed to my father-in-laws threats, "If you don't marry my son, things are going to be different around here." Well, little did he know... but I think the rotten apple didn't fall far from the tree... that I was already planning the first of many escapes from my Sadist captor/husband. It took five years, four countries, two kids and lots of Moxie to escape that marriage but Ze finally got the hint and the authorities deported him for the last time. I have been free and unattached since...

    So for my #1 fantasy in life: to learn Bondage & Discipline "ropes" and return to Portugal... seduce my Ex... not hard... (evil laugh)... tie him up and strap one on... I think your imagination will figure out the rest... (another evil laugh) I think he will like it! Why do I still love that dirty bastard and want to give him pleasure... but you know, the pleasure is all mine, I'm sure...

    But the question is: will you still respect me when I have had my way with him????
    (another evil laugh)

    L'Oracle de L'Amour

    I have a challenge for you all... keep busy...
    Bloggers Challenge: Keywords
    [post 476831]

    PS: Fire email me from my page and please give me an email where we may chat... your cupid settings stop me from being able to send you emails... thank the Goddess we are not a match!!!!! TheOracle2006
I love your fantasy, Oracle!!! And don't think it hasn't crossed through my mind a few times about the Toad. I've also pictured him in a prison somewhere. . .dropping his soap.

And love is a funny, ofttimes cruel thing isn't it? As I've told Toad to his face, I'll love him until I die. He was my husband for 15+ years and we went through heaven and hell ten thousand times over side by side. But, some people simply are too toxic to have in your life. In his case, his poison nearly killed me.

I know you know this, darling Oracle, but so many times one person in the relationship grows beyond the boundaries of it while the other grows stagnant, shrivels and curls in on themselves. Some people can listen to their own thoughts with happiness and contentment in their hearts. Others will do anything to drown out those thoughts because of their deep-seated self-hatred.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Oracle. No wonder you're so wise and kind!


FanErotic6996 56M
1019 posts
8/28/2006 12:06 pm

For me it was a reprieve and a new beginning to be had-(note-separated,not divorced YET). I wont ever regret it - children - some very good years together,not nearly enough - I had been speaking to a very close friend one day - 7 years before I spoke the words that ended it all - she asked me how my marriage was - I answered content - now our content was much better than what most have - but some 7 years went by and I just knew in my heart that I didn't want to wake up 20 years from now and just have lived content. I truly believe that difference of loving someone and being in love. Maybe I'm a romantic or just naive - but when I die I still want to be in love

Next best thing to perfect


IamWetFire 52F

8/28/2006 1:55 pm

FE, you're right. And I don't envy you your current process. Having been there and lived to tell the tale twice. . .it is one of the most devastating experiences a person can endure, even when you want to be free as it seems you and I both did.

And you are not naive, my dear new friend. There are oceans of difference between loving and being in love.

I loved my ex-husband, Leon. . .the one I refer to here as Toad of Darkness. ( The Toad of Darkness pays a visit to the Blog! ) I love him still. But, I was never at any time in love with this man. Until the Hepatitis C diagnosis and treatments morphed him into a monster I no longer recognized, he was my best friend in this world. My buddy. My confidante. We worked together, as we often told friends who envied our "perfect" marriage, like two mules pulling in harness. It was the betrayal of all that that cut the deepest.

B, on the other hand, I fell in love with. ( Typical Male, or Typical Female?, Enlightenment Through Sodomy ) The only time that's ever happened to me. And I am in love with him still. I will be until I die. He's the male half of my divided soul. I don't believe you can ever feel that way twice, but I am more than willing to be proven wrong!

At the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself, your own sense of morality and fairness. To remain in a situation where you will only make yourself and those around you unhappy is not healthy. And sometimes it hurts less to walk away.

FE


intierzha 43M

9/26/2006 5:55 pm

I saw your series of linked articles and such and saw this particular poll/post. I don't really like using the word divorced. I am more a certified pre-owned male (I even have the paperwork to prove it, lol

In all seriousness, I am not sure I want to deal with the hassle of marriage again. So many people in my family are on not just their second, but third marriages, and I am not sure I want that. I can handle living in the proverbial sin, but I don't need the social programming of marriage to define my love for a person, not anymore at least

C.


IamWetFire 52F

9/29/2006 2:11 pm

I certainly hear where you're coming from C. I would like to think I could be married again. . .but it's getting to that point!

I just can't see tying my finances--much less everything I am, want, need and dream of--to another person. At least not without him being as near to perfect as I can imagine. And I've given up hope that "he" exists.

I hate to sound that bitter, but the more I think on it, the more hope is lost in that quarter.

I don't think I could handle any long-term living-in-sin arrangment. I'm too tied into my church and it's outreach missions. What sort of example would I be setting!? Argh.

BUT. . .

I'd need to. . .at least kick the tires and light the fires for a test flight. . .or I'd be far too gunshy to take that walk down the aisle again.

But there's this part of me--say, the hopefully little girl part--that can see me sitting in church next to a good man that loves, respects, honors and cares for me and me alone. Loves the cats like I do. Admires my mind and my talent. Hell, is even a Trekker and sings tenor! Know what I'm saying? He doesn't have to be Scott Bakula or have Trump's money. Just a good soul.

Never say die, I guess.


intierzha 43M

9/29/2006 4:52 pm

Oh, I have that same caveat myself (except for it being a guy of course... prefer a good woman, lol). There is always the part of me that wants the illusion that should last forever, hearkening to one of my favorite B5 quotes from Lorien (to Ivanova, who really should have listened to him 'Only those whose lives are so brief can imagine love to be eternal. You should embrace that remarkable illusion... I think it is the greatest gift your race has ever received'. As one whose hopeful romantacism has never truly left, I found that to be the most heartening line in the entire series (and there were certainly many

Take care,
C.


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